I can’t handle life with him and without him

[Chocolatebunnie]

I want my children to be happy

I want my family and there are good times

The older children really hate their dad and this can be normal, teenage thing. I just find the whole thing a head spin.

I look at other families and they seem so happy.

My older kids are having therapy and since have gotten very angry at me, but it’s been too much in that I feel bombarded and I am definitely sensitive due to abuse. I get they may be angry at me and definitely blame me for all their problems.

I have sat with them when their ill, felt suicidal, have taken them wherever they need to go and helped get therapy. With their education due to their difficulties and have always supported them. I’m passive and that’s a problem to them with dad. I couldn’t do anymore except not be with their dad.

So why am I still with him, why am I so b****y blind to it all why am I passive and allow his behaviour.

I absolutely hate myself for letting my children get hurt and letting them down. I’ve tried so hard but the one thing I should’ve done, I can’t and still not sure if I should or shouldn’t if he really is the root of the problems.

I saw his face with the youngest last night, who was upset. He got cross having tried to comfort our child then lost it. He was cross and it wasn’t his words or anything much but the face said it all the anger was there and I haven’t seen it for a while, I had forgotten it but he’s still there.

Feeling lost, stuck and weak and heartbroken 💔

[nbumblebee]

Yup am with you CB am with you.
🩷🩷

[Bananaboat]

Do you know why planes tell you to put the oxygen mask on before you put one on your child? Because you’re not able to help them until you are safe yourself and you risk both of you being harmed by thinking you’re doing the right thing. Sound familiar? I get it, I really do you want everyone to be happy and want to fix it and end up carrying the burden, but lovelies you’ll struggle to make anything better if you’re broken. Focus on your needs first and in time hopefully the other parts will become clearer, whatever that outcome may be x

[nbumblebee]

I sat thinking last night CB and realised all the school plays the parents evening etc my husband never came to one. He always said he was busy working i get that but he works for himself. The kids never wanted him there anyway. I think to now how we often sit and chat the kids and me but most times when he comes in they stop. Or if hes in a mood they will sit with me. If i ever dare go out my youngest will sit with his dad but he often says mum you owe me. Its like he does it so dad doesnt get angry with me. Its not fair on them at all and i live with the regret each and every day that i am not string enough to leave. Its too late now they are almost adults so whats done is done. We cant go back and change the past we did, we do what we do to stay safe both ourselves and our kids.
Dont blame yourself CB.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee bless you thats really hard how things have been for you, sounds like youve been parenting alone. Its so horrid to watch it happening but you know, its his loss. The relationships breakdown or don’t even form, but your kids love you and you are their safe space that they will sit with you and come to you when your husband is in a mood.

I found my elder kids just go to their rooms when dad is home, its sad as he does try at times, but the kids dont ever forget his bad behaviour, they dislike him for what he stands for and clam up when they do have to be around him, not always their are good times too (I often think yay things are getting better) but you cant undo whats been done.

Just things are a little more settled I do think my kids are angry at me, but they hopefully will understand more in time. I really cling on to the happier times as the bad days are so traumatic for me.

But yes you are correct, I didnt know my marriage was abusive, I just thought it was difficult, and that you have to work at things, because he doesnt hit me I didnt think it was abuse, and everyone told me he was great just keep going its just a bad patch etc.

Its only since I started readiing posts and posting on here, and one of my older kids pointed out the gaslighting (had never heard of it) that I started to learn. Even when you do learn, you to accept and believe it too, its not easy, its headspinning, confusing and you know as i do too, that you can only do your best.

CB X

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