I Can’t Say the Word Abuse

[BooksAreMyHappyPlace]

I ended my relationship in (detail removed by moderator) and have spent most of this year disentangling everything – selling our house, closing down bank accounts etc. etc. (detail removed by moderator) After I left, I found that I kept coming out with different examples of things that my ex had said or done that really weren’t OK. None of them were big but, as I started to talk about all of them, I realised it was a classic ‘death by a thousand cuts’. It was the sheer volume of things he said or did to me that, when considered as a collective, was awful.

It took a lot to leave because I constantly found excuses for his behaviour – his troubled upbringing, his mental health issues, etc. etc. etc. I never just took a moment to consider that he was just not treating me as he should.

My friends and family are pretty much unanimous in their view that his behaviour was abusive, but I find that I can’t say that word in the context of what I’ve been through. I feel like it’s too dramatic and that other people have been through much worse things than I have. That said, given how I have been unable to focus on much this last year and the emotional ups and downs I’ve experienced, I understand that I’m in some sort of recovery, but I am struggling to admit to anyone, let alone myself, that it’s recovery from ‘that’ kind of relationship.

I know I need counselling, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go yet. I know that what I’ve been through isn’t OK and I know that I need to face up to that and deal with it but, right now, I’m not quite sure how. Hopefully, writing this is the first step in my journey. xx

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have been enduring a lot for a long time. I understand it can be hard to use that word- its a lot to process and part of coping is normalising what is happening- trying to find a reason for their behaviour.

Any form of abuse is unacceptable and domestic abuse is about power and control. Its okay if you can’t say that word but do use this time to put yourself first. there is no timeline for recovery from trauma- its what feels best for you.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Sad and alone]

Maybe contact your local DA centre? Sometimes it seems they can do a lot more for you when you’re out of the relationship than when you’re still in it, so they may be able to offer you some form of counselling or just be there as someone to talk to that understands.
I registered with my local centre and they used term “abuser” when talking about my other half. It upset me a lot hearing him being described as that. So I get what you mean.

[Author]

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