I didn’t tell anyone what really happened and I’ve realized I’m not over it.

[Onlygirlintheworld]

Im sorry if I posted this in the wrong thread!
(detail removed by Moderator) years ago, for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years, I was in an emotionally, sexually and financially abusive relationship. Only my mum knew the truth (my dad was a domestic abuser) and I call it a “toxic” relationship when I talk about it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I know other people have it worse than I do.

He would accuse me of cheating on him when I left the flat. He’d call me probably 200 times a day, demanding to know where I was and who I was with. If I didn’t answer, he’d come to find me. I worked in (detail removed by Moderator) at the time, and some days, he’d turn up and sit there all day, just to make sure I was there. If a male customer talked to me, he’d get angry and accuse us of having an affair. Eventually, I got sacked as the owner got so fed up with him. He took it as a victory and just wanted me to sit in the flat with him all day, every day where he could keep an eye on me.

But he hated it when I made plans for us. Bed accuse me of manipulation and for ruling his life for him. He went out, but he’d lock me in the flat so I couldn’t leave. He’d take my phone with him.

He isolated me from my family and friends. He’d force me to choose between him and them.

He also had addiction issues. So he’d gamble and take drugs when I was out. And then blame me for abandoning him so it was my fault that he took drugs or gambled his money away.

He would steal money from me or tell me that I had to give him money otherwise he would leave me or threaten to commit suicide.

He would force himself on me, sexually. I’d wake up and find him having sex with me. He told me that if I !over him, I’d have sex with him when he wanted.
One time, I had to have surgery on (detail removed by Moderator), and I couldn’t have sex for (detail removed by Moderator). The first night, he forced himself onto me, and because it was so painful and I cried, he went out and slept with another girl (detail removed by Moderator), as sex with me wasn’t good for him!
He was also rough, and refused to wear condoms and, I couldn’t take the pill as that was a sign that I was cheating on him. He would come to GP appointments with me to make sure I wasn’t taking any kind of birth control.

I’ve got mental health issues and he would regularly call me a psycho. He once announced, at a party in front of his friends, that I should be locked up in a mental health asylum as (detail removed by Moderator). That was near the end of the relationship, and I was so unhappy.

He slept with (detail removed by Moderator) girls, regularly, and got one pregnant. He would always tell me that she was better than me, as she had his baby. I didn’t (I had a miscarriage during our relationship too, and he blamed me for doing it on purpose)

He’d tell me what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, when I could leave the house, where i was allowed to go. Who I was allowed to talk to. When we went out, he would flirt with other girls in front of me and then !ist all of the reasons why they were better than me.
They were prettier/ thinner/ funnier.

When I tried to stand up for myself or leave, he would storm out of the flat and then text or ring me, saying that he was going to a popular suicide spit in out area and commit suicide. (He said he couldn’t live without me or I was an awful person as I was driving him to do that) and he’d switch his phone off, and go missing for days on end. His friends would deny knowing where he was. Then he’d turn up, deny he said any of those things and tell me that I was the one that threatened to kill myself if he didn’t come back. His friends would always back him up and agree that I said that. I know that it was gaslighting now, but I started to believe that i was the problem as my mental health was so bad.

He’d yell at me and throw things at me regularly, too. He didn’t psychically hit me but he pushed me and punch walls and I was scared that he would hit me. He had a short fuse and he did beat up men that talked to me. On (detail removed by Moderator) occasions, on nights out. He beat up men who talked to me. I hated it. But it was my fault. I made him do it.

Even typing those things, Im feeling that it’s my fault he did those things. That what he did isn’t so bad, which I know is ridiculous. I know that he is the problem, but there’s always that little voice saying I’m over exaggerating and it’s normal for a partner to do that.

When things were good, they were really good. He started off as a loving, supportive partner but it wasn’t !ong before he became toxic. But by that point, I’d convinced myself that I was the problem.
And, he ended things. He went to the other end of the country (detail removed by Moderator).

Anyway, the reason why I posted this today was I now work in (detail removed by Moderator). I love it. But (detail removed by Moderator), I met a client and when I was explaining to her my mental health diagnosis (I have (detail removed by Moderator)) and she just replied “(detail removed by Moderator)” And that brought back everything that my ex said and I spent last night convincing myself I was the problem in that relationship.

Since it ended, I have done a !ot of work on myself and my mental health is in a very good place. I just want to add I was never manipulative or violent, I self harmed. I internalised everything and he knew my biggest insecurity was being abandoned (my dad went to prison and commited suicide when I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old) so he would flaunt his affairs and flirt with other women in front of me and threaten to leave.

And because I have this condition, I feel that I deserve to be treated that way. That’s how I felt for so long and I am scared you are going to read it and agree that he was right to treat me this way. That’s probably why I haven’t told people!e the entire truth of what happened. I’m scared everyone will blame me and think I deserve it.

I just don’t know how to get past what happened. Everything else is really good. I’m in a much happier, healthier relationship with a loving guy. I am helping other people and I have !it’s of good, supportive friends, but this thing from my past is my triggers and I feel that I can’t get past it as like I said, I feel I deserve it. So I feel stuck.

I’m sorry. I feel I have rambled on. I guess I just hope writing this on here might give me a !title bit of closure or even some suggestions on how I can get closure.

Thanks for reading this.

[StrongLife]

Thanks for posting. The jealousy is common. Many a time I would get accused. For no apparent reason. Everyday ordinary people he would be jealous of – it was constant over the years. A pattern. Dreadful. Never had that level of jealousy before and never again. The next guy I dated – no jealousy.

Sorry you went through this and lost a job. Job loss is not uncommon as they want to continue their financial abuse.

Wanted you to know I read you story and glad you are able to post and heal.

Please seek domestic violence counseling- it’s helpful if you have not already. Try a good group.

Clearly his issues and his fault.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum Onlygirlintheworld,

I just want you to know I read every word you’ve written and you’ve been on the receiving end of such horrific behaviours. It’s amazing you survived it but you did. It’s great you have good, normal people in your life, and a job you love but of course you need to come to terms with your experiences of being badly abused on every level, and for so long.

I found I could only start to heal when I was safe and in no contact with my abuser ex- husband. It’s a good start to come on here and read the posts. Also share any feelings that come up. By bringing it all into the light by sharing about it on here, it’ll lose its power over you.

[Author]

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