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So I’ve been dating someone for a while (less than a year) and pretty early on I realised he would say some cruel or reactionary stuff to hurt me. I met him at a time where I’d lost a job that I loved and was in a job I then hated so I already felt vulnerable.
He seemed suspicious of me and would always question me or treat me with suspicion if I saw my friends or had a business meeting and I just thought it’s because he cares or that maybe I’m in the wrong and shouldn’t see my friends without inviting him. He told me that he’d always think to invite me before he sees his friends (which wasn’t true) and that I should do the same.
Went on holiday together and during that time he treated me very well, and I thought I was wrong about him. But before and after the holiday he’d said some very cruel things to me like he “(line of direct communication removed by moderator)” and “(line of direct communication removed by moderator)”. He also said he’d “(line of direct communication removed by moderator)”. I was crushed but once he apologised profusely I forgave him.
Fast forward down the line these arguments have kept happening and his comments have been getting nastier every time. The last argument we had was because I didn’t want to have sex because I wasn’t feeling well and he said to me the next day that “(line of direct communication removed by moderator)” and that he thought I was sleeping with someone else because of it. He would very often accuse me of cheating and I felt so sad because I’ve never done anything like that! That argument absolutely broke my heart and tore me to pieces.
I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and how could I trust him again after that and then the stress and sadness caused me to be signed off work for 2 weeks. I tried in those 2 weeks to end it with him but he kept saying the right things and apologising and telling me that he has nobody and he’d been abandoned by family so I kept softening and saying maybe we could go forward and then changing my mind, which I understand is unfair but I felt so conflicted.
he works near me and walked past my work and waved after I told him the other day I need him to leave me alone. (This was after him showing up to my house uninvited and messaging and calling me). That evening I had a weak moment because I missed him and still love him so much. On the phone he said that I’m to blame for a lot and maybe I am and he can’t look at me the same way because I left him. I feel like he just wanted me back so he could have the last word and leave. I don’t know anymore but this relationship has made me feel like life isn’t worth living… I feel like a failure and so disappointed and drained.
im sorry I know this message is probably all over the place because I’m very emotional and low and I had another argument with him last night. I just don’t know what to do anymore… I’m so stupid for opening that door again once I’d closed it but I just felt like he wouldn’t leave me alone and because I love him so much it just feels impossible to fully leave him.
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Hello,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you described sounds really exhausting to deal with. Abusive men will often make accusations of cheating, try and isolate you from friends and family.This is about power and control for him.
It sounds like you met him at a really vulnerable time in your life and he will be aware of this and your feelings for him. You’re not stupid- its understandable you want that love and connection- but this relationship doesn’t sound like a safe space for you. You’re not a failure- you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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