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It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) year since I got out of an abusive relationship. About 10 months ago I tried to start domestic abuse therapy but I wasn’t ready to deal with anything so I stopped it. I threw myself into work and buried a lot of how I felt.
Fast forward, I have now had a new partner for (detail removed by Moderator) months. He is the polar opposite of my ex. Extremely laid back, trusting and calm. Everything I should want. I love him and I feel extremely lucky to have got out and to have met someone so kind but it feels odd. The calm feels odd. I’m not sure if anyone else has experienced this but I’m so used to volatility that I don’t know how to be happy in a normal relationship. I feel like I’m going mad, the ease of things feels foreign. I also keep having random days in which I can’t stop crying and feel although I’m grieving something or that my body is trying to process something, I’m presuming from years of daily abuse.
Not really sure what I’m trying to say with this but I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel a bit numb and empty. Really worried that I won’t ever be happy.
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When you look at the cycle of abuse there tends to be a period of calm before things start getting fraught and build up to the next incident of chaos. I think that after going through the cycle a few times, even though I didn’t understand what was happening in my head, my gut had learned to mistrust those calm spells so I’d still be hyper vigilant in those phases, treading on eggshells to keep things calm and watchful and pensive. When I got into my first healthy relationship I think I was unsettled by the calm initially because I was still hyper vigilant and watchful, and just waiting for the signs that things starting to go to 💩. And they didn’t and it felt odd. And eventually I started to trust and relax ad enjoy it, but it took time.
One of the best things I did was the Freedom Program and then the Freedom Forever Program as it helped me understand what had happened and my reactions both in the past and present. It was emotionally uncomfortable at times but very healing. Without it I think id have sabotaged my new relationship if I’m honest.
X*x
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I can totally relate to this. I am in a new relationship and the normality of it just feels so odd. Like you say it’s so easy which should be a good thing but it’s very hard to get used to. I am so used to toxic, controlling, violent behaviour that I don’t know how to react when my boyfriend treats me with kindness. Any disagreement is resolved amicably as opposed to absolute chaos. It’s odd for sure but hopefully we will both get used to it. We just have to hang in there for our happy ever after (hopefully) x
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Hi, well I’m just happy to hear of people who manage to find healthy relationships!
I think being in a relationship, if it is going well or bad. Brings up alot of stuff for us. My father was abusive, my ex partner was abusive. I don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like.
I’m sure it’s about re-training, re-learning. But be thankful your now safe, I have been out for a while and I still like to come back here to re-check where I am and remember what I went through, so I do not forget and don’t feel lonely or sad with how my life is, because my life is 100% better now but I can get sad. I have done the freedom program and the next course after that, I had over a year of therapy now.. I think I need tons of therapy! xx
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