I don’t know what to do

[Everhopeful321]

I feel so low and so confused, I don’t know what I do that’s so wrong,that causes so much anger and resentment towards me,I just feel so useless, I can’t stop crying, I can’t talk to anyone anymore because he’ll either find out or I think the couple of people I have talked to must be so fed up of it all. I’m sorry

[Eggshells]

Hi Everhopeful321

You are not to blame for his behaviour. He is not genuinely angry and resentful because you have done something wrong, he just appears angry and resentful to hurt you and control you.

You do not deserve this!

[Needtoclarify]

Hi Everhopeful

I’m so sorry to hear you have been feeling so low. I am sending you a hug and hope you can find some strength x

Can I suggest your read Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that?’

I think it explains a lot and may give you the clarity you seek.

Please keep talking to people, no matter how fed up you think they may be I’m sure that you could use the support.

When you realise it isn’t about you and that you are enough, you’ll soon see no matter what you do/don’t do isn’t really the reason. It sounds like you’re being manipulated/gaslighted and I hope you can free yourself from this. Stay brave xx

[nbumblebee]

I dont think we will ever stop asking ourselves why its just human nature to want a reason I giess but uts also one of those questions that will drive you mad and will stop you from healing from getting out from living a life you deserve.
It isnt you.
The problem lies within him what you do or say wont make a difference there will always be a problem as the problem is him.

[Everhopeful321]

So it escalated as I knew it would after having a full day of him alternating between anger, threatening suicide, feeling like he didn’t want to be here anymore,being withdrawn, non committal, questioning me over whether I’d spoken to anyone, until I couldn’t take it anymore and made a comment about (Detail removed by Moderator).  He’s then crying and shouting , saying he can’t cope, grabs hold of my wrists saying I just push him to it, on and on and on.

Eventually it settles, I don’t know how because my head is just a mess, but the thing that has really got to me is that once it’s settled, he says sorry, then says that he knows he gets angry but then says that it’s me getting angry that makes it worse, if I could just control myself and not answer him it wouldn’t be like this. I’m not at all an angry person but it’s like I just get to point that I can’t take it anymore.

Still I don’t know what to do

[Bananaboat]

Ask yourself what is he doing to help himself? Mine used to explode like this then apologise, he’d feign illness and say he didn’t want to live…I’d offer help, support, to drive to doctors/hospital, research help etc etc, use it all to excuse his rage in my head…then few hours later he’d be off out with his mates. It was a huge eye opener to look at his actions rather than believing his words. I realised I was getting the same textbook apology each time, using a journal I saw the patterns, that he’d make promises to change but never ever did. You are not here to save him, you are not a medical professional, you’re not even his mum. As an adult if he needs help he needs to seek that out, I know that feels cruel and against your natural instinct but as you’ve found he’s manipulating the situation to get what he wants, in this case information on who you’ve spoken to. My ex claimed to have hurt himself and I had to say ok call GP here’s the number, he never did, he realised after a week of faking it I wasn’t going to crack – and that method stopped. You deserve better x

[Everhopeful321]

A lot has had to be edited out, too specific I think. I’ve always ‘well, he’s never hit me, never phyducal’ and whilst he still hasn’t, the intention was there. But I’m being told I caused it – my feeling of standing up for myself, trying to say that his behaviour isn’t acceptable is seen by him as being argumentative, making him angry. I hate the way I feel, it’s like I don’t know my own mind

[nbumblebee]

Yep I got you there.
I dont show love I dont care Im to blame because I dont want sex.
The stronger I have gotten the more hurtful he is we cant win.
Or can we? Others seem to have right? Read stories on here of amazing women who just like us thought all was lost they were lost but somehow feom somewhere they found the strength they found the answer and whilst it must be the hardest thing ever to do they did many leave and are happy. Those stories keep me going keep me hopeful.
You can only be responsible for you. You cant be responsible for him and whatever he says he is going through there is no excuse on this earth anyone can give to excuse abusing a loved one like he does you. By name calling or thretening behaviour even if its not physical its still abuse and its still wrong you deserve better.

[Bananaboat]

They beat us down and twist everything to being our fault that we get to a point where ‘not being cruel’ feels like we are being treated like royalty.x

[Hereforhelp]

Keep a journal if you can. It helped me see the pattern and cycle of abuse.

He doesn’t really feel suicidal,.that is another tactic (mine used that until I rang the police to do a welfare check, he didn’t feel suicidal after that, he also made up many sob stories, claimed to have been to therapy and was better now… lies all designed to hoover me back in).
Him blaming you for making him angry isn’t true either and he knows that. Thry say things like that as we are kind, considerate people who wouldn’t want to hurt the person we love… but we are not hurting them, we are not making them do anything…. he knows what he is doing. Google Fear Obligation Guilt Cycle of abuse, that’s really helpful. Educate yourself on what domestic abuse is xx

Please think about getting in touch with Womans Aid… keep posting

❤️

[Everhopeful321]

Thanks all. It’s like once you start to see it, you can’t unsee it…but yet I still excuse it as struggling with mental health, day to day stresses of what we do here, me being too over sensitive.

My other worry is that my second eldest daughter heard him that night, she’s not said much, just asked if I’m ok, if he’s ok. When we were on our own (detail removed by Moderator) she half brought it up and I asked what she’d heard and she said something about him throwing something at me. I just reassured her everything was ok and she didn’t need to worry – that’s not the right thing to do though is it? Or is it? What do you say to them? I know they have an idea about how things are but what do I say?

[Bananaboat]

You said what we’ve all said to our kids and you’re coming from a genuine place of protecting them but I learnt through experience that the child won’t stop worrying, and will (like us) become hyper vigilant to clues and noises, they’ll listen in to every argument. Worse they’ll feel helpless because unlike is adults who know we can get help or go for a walk I.e. escape, kids can’t. Give her a safe place to talk to you, say you were upset/scared too and reassure her you’ll do everything to keep her safe. But also ask yourself is he worth all this, would you want your daughter being treated like this, as much as you try to hide it she’s watching & learning x x

[Daffy03]

sending hugs, i know you have had plenty of replies but i know the feeling of feeling alone, not talking to others as they don’t understand.

try keep a journal as others have said, i want to but don’t know where to keep it.

i don’t really know what to say just don’t feel alone xx

[nbumblebee]

Set up a private email account dont save it on your phone just log into it when you can. Write your thoughts down email them to your safe account tben delete from your phone or computer where you wrote and sent it from so he cant see. X*x

[Everhopeful321]

I did try this but he found out about it. I had things saved in drafts so when he made me log in there was nothing to see but he logged in when I wasn’t there and found that I’d written some things down. I’m too scared, writing on here is hard enough. That should say it all shouldn’t it

[nbumblebee]

You gotta be as fierce as he is you gotta be clever and one step ahead always. I hate lying it goes against everything i believe in but I lie to my husband I have to it keeps me safe and sane if it was up to him I would be locked in the house serving him so I lie I have too.
You need to make sure you delete everything once you have sent it. Always clear your ohone cahche especially once you been on here always stay one step ahead. Its tiring it hurts but it what we must do until we can find a way to break free. Find a fire within you one that burns and helps you find sone fight its there you just gotta poke it about a bit and start it off. Its the only way sweetie until you break free.
Stay safe stay strong xxxc

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