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I understand that part of the cycle of abuse involves the abuser being sweet and loving before the abusive period starts again. But in practice it just doesn’t make sense to me. I genuinely believe that he is sincere when he is being loving and thoughtful to me…I am really finding it hard to believe that this may be part of an ‘act’ to get me to stay even when he’s being abusive.
At the same time it does seem insane when one day he’s screaming at me for being stupid, or something equally cruel and the next he is talking about raising kids with me. But he seems to genuinely want that with me, it doesn’t seem like part of a plot to continuing abusing me at all.
Couldn’t it be that maybe he just has anger problems and only becomes abusive when he’s angry with me? In which case shouldn’t he just seek help for anger management? I really don’t know.
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It’s very hard to comprehend it all, isn’t it, Equinoxal?
I think it’s important first of all to realise that abusers are very unstable, emotionally. Their emotions are all over the place, their feelings spike and wane. I asked my ex if he’d loved me, and he said it ‘went up and down.’ The cool, calm and calculated type of abuser might be able to hide this instability of emotion behind a mask of sanity, but in reality feelings of anger, jealousy, anger and envy are simmering underneath or triggered in them all the time. Abusers have an anger problem.
At the same time, I do believe that manipulation is their first language. They’ve just become accustomed to behaving in ways on a daily basis that gives them power over other people or makes people do what they want. So, a lot of how they behave is because it is beneficial to them.
They have very shallow or infact on-existent feelings of empathy or true concern for other human beings. They are overly concerned with their own needs.
So, our abusers are essentially a mess inside, and so can’t treat us fairly or nicely, because they are too unstable plus we-like other people too- are their to serve their purposes. I think that even when abusers ‘fall in love’, they have an image of how we are or how they want us to be ( subservient, etc) which fits in with their plan of getting people to do and behave how they want. Then, when we show our separate personality or do things they don’t like, they very easily get angry with us because we aren’t fitting their ideal.
I think abusers think of love in a very different way to us. We think of love as loving the person for who they are- an individual- and we would never try to monopolise their personality. We want those we love to be happy, to develop, to grow. Abusers want their partner to mirror their every need, to back them up in their questionable behaviour your tiwards others, to become their willing. I Tim when they feel like taking their frustrations out on someone..To an abuser, if we loved them, we would put up with their rubbish. ( At the same time, I think they also lose respect for us in putting up with it!).
Also, I think that abusers feel negative emotions like anger and envy very strongly, but ‘love’ in a very shallow and manipulative way. That is, because they see others as there to serve their needs, they don’t much care about others’ rights or dreams or individuality. They are only interested in those parts of their partner’s personality that affects them.
I think my ex married me not because he loved what was individual about me, but because he saw someone who might attend his every need abd who he thought could be made pliable.
The times that our abusers say or do nice things may be because at that moment in time, we are behaving I guess in ways that they approve of or looking in a way we approve of, we are ‘fitting their ideal’ and fling as they want. It that can change in a moment. Their emotions are unstable.
I also think that they do ‘love bomb.’ They do and say nice things to get us to trust them, to love them, to become subservient again, if they sense that they are losing control of us in some way. They also say anddo nice things amidst all the abuse to feel us back in again. It’s called the pull-push effect.
Those nice times never make up for the abusive times, because in da t so much damage is being done to us by the abuse under the surface. These nice times are just ‘crumbs’ that the abuser is throwing at us, to keep us there, but we are grateful because we are so desperate for them to be the nice person that they can sometimes appear to be.
It helps us to understand our abuser if we realise that they and their own needs are always their priority.
Hope this helps, and sorry to have rambled.
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Thank you so much for that helpful response Serenity, you didn’t ramble at all. So much of what you said I recognise in my partner. When everything is ‘going well’ between us, he will tell me what a great person I am, how he’s so happy to have me etc. As soon as I mess up, suddenly he tells me he doesn’t like me anymore, I’m a selfish b***h who he needs to punish etc. Which I guess reveals his emotions to be very unstable.
What you said about abusers falling in love with their idea of you/how they want you to be also rings very true for me. I know he wants me to never disobey him and essentially be a ‘good little wife’. He even tried to hypnotise me once into ‘always doing as he says’, which is somewhat hilarious, if a little disconcerting. He doesn’t even seem to know who I am as an individual? Or at the very least doesn’t care. He either mocks my interests or gets annoyed when they’re not the same as his.
Anyway, thank you again- I will be referring back to what you wrote many times as it’s shed some light on why he goes back and forth between his two states, nice and abusive.
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PS Also, I think that they like to confuse us with their behaviour, because that means we are more likely to stay longer.
Abusers hate being alone. They need a victim to vent things on.
A user’s life aim isn’t to actively live someone and to put the needs of the one they love above their own. Abusers don’t like SS rificing things for others. They much prefer to think of ways of getting others to do what they want or need.
They are wired differently to us. Whereas we feel happy doing things for others, abusers feel they are losing power if they are not always putting themselves first. They feel power going out of themselves if they are concentrating on others needs and not their own!
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Hi
Think serenity explained it to a tee.
I felt like my abuser was two people Mr Angry and Mr niceguy. Mr niceguy came out to question my thoughts and keep me from leaving.
But it’s all an act. They like to torture is make us question our sanity.
FS xx
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My husband is being nice at he moment and it is just so confusing. It makes me think that perhaps it’s all OK really, maybe he didn’t really do or mean the things he said. I feel bad for thinking about leaving. I also feel bad about not feeling able to respond positively when he’s nice because I feel so hurt inside,and then I think that maybe it’s all my fault and that I’m just making the situation bad by not being nice enough. I also find it hard that he’s always been lovely with he children (obviously I’m really glad about that) but then he’s horrible to me. The fact hat he’s nice to the children is he main reason I’ve stayed. I can put up with him if he’s being a good Dad. I does mess with my head though.
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These abusers are like jekyle and hyde.snakes. shed there skin thats how i would describe my abuser. My abuser wanted me to be total independent on him!! But iam a very independent person.. i feel my abuser was so jelous of me!! ! In the end i seen a monster things he said to me made me feel so sick. There was no empthy with him .. he was all out for himself . I was treated like a slave servert for his needs only!! While he was leading a double life behind my back!! In the end i run for my life . He screwed my head up so much!! Why could such an evil person destroy you with such strengh!! And i loved him so much!!. I can spot an abuser now i seen ever red flag when i look back at the relationship!!! .. i hate the snake so so much .. i will fight for justice!! I have the power and control now.. xx
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Its funny this is EXACTLY how i think and feel.. he seems genuinely upset about things, genuinely nice when he is nice and generally the most awful to me ever when he starts its so confusing and so hard to comprehend.. yet we have both found ourselves here on an abuse forum trting to find help/support/advice.. so we must both know ultimately the behavious we are dealing with arent right.. or maybe coincidental?
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It’s nice to know that someone relates to me and this craziness, although I’m sorry you’re suffering the same thing as me… it’s just so impossible to understand how he can flip from one extreme to the other. I think we both do recognise that something isn’t right but keep doubting ourselves out of love for them/inability to comprehend the terrible reality of it all.
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Hiya equinoxal
I too feel as you do. I want to believe that I am wrong in thinking my partner is actually emotionally and verbally abusing me. (And has been for several months, even though i have severe depression.) It is such a complex web, isn’t it? Please stay strong, though I know it’s so hard to do.
I can completely relate to what you wrote about we must know, on some level, that our partners are wrong. And justfedup hit the nail on the head in that we are here seeking help and support from each other. The girls on here are so lovely and so wise and supportive.
I can’t imagine being without him. Crazy but true….and yet, for a few fleeting seconds I wonder can I survive on my own….and then I realise how damaged and worn down I am. And isolated.
Sorry, if my last paragraph sounded like it’s all about me. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Hugs. x
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Hi Poetrygirl, thank you for your kind response. It is so exhausting and I feel like I’m in a permanent state of confusion. I relate to the part you said about wondering if I could survive on my own as he’s succeeded in isolating me and tearing down any self esteem I have so much so I doubt my own capabilities to cope without him. I really hope this will get better for us both soon. Xx
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Just wanted to add to the ladies still stuck with an abusive partner to keep a journal. Secret obviously. You can then read it back in your sane moments and realise it’s him not you. My ex was so calculating he was never abusive in front witnesses. That’s not anger management that’s calculated abuse. And he got a big kick out of it. They never change ❤️
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I agree- I actually began compiling a list of all the ‘incidents’ a few months ago (needless to say it’s extremely long now) and I read through it to remind myself sometimes what he’s capable of. But when he is being so nice as he is now, it might as well have come from a different person entirely…and that makes me feel more confused/crazy. Like ‘did these things even happen? He’s nothing like that right now’ etc etc.
I accidentally let slip to him during a fight that I’d been keeping a log of the stuff he did..bad idea (obviously) he yelled at me that I was sad and pathetic for holding onto the past like that.
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I wish I had also wrote down all of the events. Its literally daily i get something awful happen and yet the days merge and i forget.. and when i try to remember i cant. At the time im an emotional wreck and its a blur unless i write something on here or text someone or even txt him to say i cant believe you said / done this im so upset.. then i just dont even recall all of the horror! Then when he tells me I have an easy life compared to most people and I dont even know the meaning of hard work or abuse etc I doubt myself because I try to think of comebacks and reasons and im blank! Yet it comes back to me in waves! This place is full of supportive people because we all understand what eachother are going through and how it feels to be your own shadow. We will all hit a brick wall in our time im sure when enough is enough and wether we want to admit to ourselves or others that it is abuse or just walk away and say failed relationship.. we know it was wrong and hopefully make us more aware and stronger foe the future! Xx
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HI HUn
I think they want to have kids with us to keep us trap and have more control over us, why these men do this to us is beyond me, i would say why have a partnere that treats u like s *** and then when he feels liek it is mr loving, he can be mr loving all the time or goodbye, loving your partner is about respecting each another , just think do we behave the way they do when they are in wrong
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