I feel broken.

[hunnybun]

Recently, within the past few months, I began a long-distance relationship with someone I met online through a dating app.

It was fairly intense from the beginning, with him lovebombing early on.
He also seemed to be fairly insecure and have low self-esteem, as he’d often remark that I could do better and I was out of his league and fairly negative things about his own appearance.
I know this is something of a red flag, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

(detail removed by Moderator) or so into the relationship, we ended up having an argument. It resulted in a break up and he turned nasty really quickly. He was verbally abusive and sent me messages informing me that he’d contacted my workplace about me and intended to contact other people in my life too.
I reported this to the police and they recorded it as a crime and requested that I make a statement.
(detail removed by Moderator) he was so apologetic and (I felt at the time) so genuinely remorseful that I decided not to make a statement. The officer that I spoke to was pretty insistent that I should and spoke about a non-molestation order, but I felt like the behaviour was so out of character (from what I knew at the time) that it must have been because he was under stress or struggling with his mental health. I felt like the outburst was just a complete mismatch to the person I had in my head I was dating.

As the weeks have gone on the arguments have become more frequent. Everything and anything seems to set him off.
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells to try not and upset him and as soon as his tone changes and he starts being ‘off’ with me, I feel sick and panicky because I know what’s coming.
He will swear at me and call me names. Accuse me of being toxic and abusive. Message me incessantly for hours on end and call me over and over and over.
If I answer the calls he takes the opportunity to berate me over the phone and if I ignore it he accuses me of ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and becomes frantic and desperate and begs me to speak to him.

I chose to visit him in his town (detail removed by Moderator) ago and we mostly had a good time, but the minute I got home he switched and started accusing me of having feelings for his (detail removed by Moderator) (who I’d literally met for the first time during that visit).
He told me that he’d been self harming because of me and started threatening suicide and wouldn’t tell me where he was, so I called the police to do a welfare check.
The whole time he was messaging me telling me that he was getting closer to his destination and going to ‘end it’ and I felt completely powerless, as I’m (detail removed by Moderator) miles away from him.
He wouldn’t tell me where he was or give me any contact information of any friends or family members that I could get to him.
Thankfully, the police managed to get to him in time. He denied being suicidal or self harming to them so they couldn’t detain him, but he did at least go home after being found.
He was furious that I’d contacted the police and now regularly brings up me contacting them (detail removed by Moderator).

I feel so exhausted. I’ve tried to look up whether the relationship is abusive and it feels like it.
He expects me to be available to him every minute of the day and I feel that I must respond to him the minute I get a message or phone call, or he’ll get angry.
He has said that me speaking to my friends about how I’m feeling and the relationship is a ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and that going to me friends is ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. I’ve stopped spending time with my friends because he gets upset and says that I can make time for other people and not him.
He tells me constantly that I only care about myself, no matter what I do for him, and he makes me feel like I’m not good enough and never trying enough.
I’m autistic and he says that all our problems are caused by me and my mental health problems, because I can’t communicate.
He’s jealous and when he’s seen I’m online but that I’m not messaging him he demanded to know who I was speaking to. I (detail removed by Moderator) to show that I wasn’t talking to anyone, but he called me and swore at me and called me a liar.
When he’s upset he withholds affection and punishes me that way until I’ve convinced him I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done and managed to calm him down.

After we have these arguments he’s so apologetic and he has, to give him credit, sought out the mental health support that I asked him to get.
(detail removed by Moderator).
Initially he was open to the suggestion, but now he says I’m gaslighting and all those behaviours are ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and they’re all because of things I’ve done.

He’s never harmed me physically but, as we’re long distance, I wonder if that’s only because I haven’t been around him while he’s angry.
I can’t request information on whether he’s harmed former partners, as I don’t know his last five years of addresses.

We’ve split up again and he’s bombarded me with calls and texts calling me names, asking me to phone him, giving me time limits on when I should respond or he’s going to ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ (I’m guessing to my work or family again) and threatening to send the police to my work.
He’s called my work (detail removed by Moderator) looking for me, but thankfully my colleague told him that I wasn’t there.

I’m so exhausted from all this. I feel like I’m constantly on edge and waiting for the next thing that will trigger him. I’m anxious and nervous and tired all the time.
I’ve asked him today to stop contacting me, but he’s called me by phone, (detail removed by Moderator) times.
I didn’t want to block him, as this is one of his triggers and makes everything 1000× worse, but in the end I had to. He then found other ways of contacting me and messaged me through (detail removed by Moderator).
I’ve asked him to leave me alone, but he keeps contacting me.
I have some of his things, which I’ve offered to return, but he’s said that he doesn’t want me sending anything to him. Instead he’s demanding money for them and has said he’ll contact the police if I don’t send it to him.
(detail removed by Moderator).
However, he keeps saying that he’ll ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ to ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and speak to him on the phone, so it feels like he’s threatening me with the police if I don’t give in and speak to him.

Things have become so volatile and his behaviour is so erratic and I just don’t know what to do.
Is this abusive or just toxic? Should I seek out the non-molestation order? How can I just make this all stop?

[Mrsbluesky99]

Hey 🙂

This is without a doubt both abusive and toxic. I think if your situation was to be evaluated by the police you would probably be coming in at ‘high risk’ …

I don’t mean to scare you I was in this exact same position a few years ago. I would if I was you close down any social media accounts for the time being, E Mail and so forth … Change your phone number, And definitely go to the police and tell them everything you’ve said on here and get a legal document in place preventing him from contacting you again.

All the best with this .. I know how hard it is but I feel you really need to advise the police.

Take Care.

[hunnybun]

Thank you for getting back to me @Mrsbluesky99

Since my post I have made a statement to the police. I’ve also been put in contact with a solicitor by NCDV.
They all seemed to take it pretty seriously and an emergency injunction/non-molestation order has been discussed, but it’s gone pretty quiet since speaking to them. It’s only been about (detail removed by Moderator), but I just feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know where to go from here.

I feel sick and anxious all the time. There’s a tight feeling in my chest and I feel panicky. I’ve been trying to distract myself, but I keep having intrusive thoughts about everything.

Now that (I think) I’ve managed to block my ex everywhere, I’ve only had one occasion of contact so I’m not sure that this will be taken seriously.
I made the mistake of forwarding him (detail removed by Moderator) and, stupidly, didn’t reblock him immediately, allowing him to send me some pretty sh*tty messages. I’ve reblocked him now, but the damage is already done and I just feel awful again.

The stupid thing is, there are things that I really miss and I keep thinking that if I just said/did different things that he wouldn’t have been angry all the time. I’m constantly second guessing everything and it’s driving me mad.

I feel like I don’t know who to speak to or where to go from here. I feel like it’s all stalled and I’m just stuck, trapped in this situation.

I wish I could just make it all go away.

[Dancergirl]

I am sorry you are going through this abuse. My partner has many similar traits to yours. (detail removed by Moderator) My partner says really horrible things but if I approach him about it then I’m lecturing him and that starts him off again. Always angry, selfish, uncaring and blames me for everything even though I have helped him in every way possible. I feel used and very unhappy. I’ve said I’ll leave him and I think you should do the same. Change your number as well xx

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