I feel like crying

[RXRX]

Hi,

I think I need some words of wisdom or encouragement.

my partner went completely off with me (detail removed by Moderator), mainly over my son not doing his chores on time. He called him all the swear words going and I had enough. It was over the phone but I shouted back at him. He says he gets no respect, how can he when he gives nobody else it, and gave him some home truths.

i am completely scared of leaving, he says he will hurt me and all my family and if I go to police and he gets locked up he will get his friends or family to carry out his threats. I can’t see a way out… not when I know I will have to coparent with him.
he threatened to break my jaw in front of our child (detail removed by Moderator).

How is that fair on anyone! It’s disgusting!
In this circumstance could I move away say 2/3 hours… I just want to feel safe when I do eventually go.

[Bananaboat]

Sorry I’m not following you but just replied to your other thread when I saw this one. Those threats are doing what – making you stay out of fear. Keeping you trapped which is what he wants. If he doesn’t want to get in trouble with the police then isn’t the answer that he STOPS his behaviour not for you not to tell people. We lose all sense of logic and live in fear when in the middle of all this craziness. This is not ok for you or your children. If you haven’t already seen it please give Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ a read, can find free copies online or buy one. You’ll see he’s doing things like triangulating you and your child, testing your boundaries, gaslighting you etc. and once you see this stuff you get stronger in either living with it or planning to leave. Reach out to womansaid chatline, they’re really supportive.  You absolutely can leave this man if that’s what you want to do, you’re stronger than you know and that’s what he fears xx

[RXRX]

I know and logically you make complete sense. But my fear is greater

how am I supposed to coparent that situation? Like how could anyone. I want to get as far away as I can! 😔😔

youve been great! Thank you x

[RXRX]

And most of this is over the phone, so technically is it not just my word over his? His messages are nice as nice he’s very clever he always makes sure he looks like the nice guy X

[Bananaboat]

Keep a log somewhere, I use notes on my phone, others send themselves emails, or keep a journal. You could always follow up by text saying ‘you said you’ll do x, y, z did you mean it/ or that’s not ok’ as a way of repeating his words back in writing for evidence.

I totally understand, the fear of coparenting is huge and I can only share my experiences but he went from threatening to take the child away from me to barely seeing the child now through his own choice. Be honest – are you really coparenting now? Or are you doing all the work. If there’s safeguarding concerns especially if the police/social services get involved you can also restrict access. What I’m trying to say is there’s lots of options I know they seem scary right now and you’ve been conditioned to think you’re alone but look at all of us, you can do this. Look up parallel parenting – you can’t usually coparent with an abuser I’m afraid but parallel is possible. He wants to keep you trapped as his supply and whatever way you go & no matter how nice or accommodating you are he’ll make out you’re the bad guy/he’s the victim but ask yourself what do YOU want.

I say this a lot but it hit me hard – you only get so many Christmas’, birthdays, weekends etc with your kids – a handful of chances to make memories and set them up for life, do what’s best for them and you- not him.

Last word – right now it’s scary, it’s feels huge, it feels impossible. But baby steps. Learn about abuse, use this forum, picture in your minds eye what your future could look like and slowly work towards it. For many of us it took months/years to leave and that’s ok. Just be safe and know it’s not you. It’s him x

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