i feel like going back home

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I have lived away from home for x time.
I spent all my savings to rent for x time, all upfront money, my savings are gone.
I earn enough to pay my bills.
I live every day wondering why my youngest doesn’t come to live with me, let alone visit me despite the short distance between houses.
I miss that child a lot. It tortures me.
It’s torture too knowing my husband knows I hate not seeing my youngest, I hear what they do together and all I can do is grind my teeth and stay quiet.
I hate hearing people say the kids will eventually see what their dad is like. I beg to differ in opinion on this, I think my kids are used to him. He also knows how to be nice, useful, a hard worker, and all the other positive things which kids need to feel home so to speak, despite his abusive behaviour. He behaves well for now…
I procrastinate in my decision making. I keep thinking I didn’t anticipate this life, this future and feeling resentful that I will loose my family unit,having grandchildren in our home, meals to share, fun time, etc and loose our home, the garden, my life style.
I never asked to be abused, I never wanted to be told I have to change my reactions to his behaviour or I am effectively THE problem in this family.
I never thought this total messy situation would come.

I look back and think of “now”.
I am contemplating going back again, Living my life while ignoring him when need be. Why can’t I do that, why can’t I give it another go? I am free to choose what I do. I want to send everyone packing, get off my back, leave me alone and don’t even look at what goes on. Leave me to sort myself out, I can do it.

I miss my kids, my home, my life. I miss what I was used to. I don’t see myself lasting much longer out here in this house where only one of my children comes. The others barely come, they have their lives, and my youngest…well I don’t even know what goes on in his head.
I feel ostracized, cast out, ignored, a visitor who pops round now and then to visit them…

I heard outrageous things from my husband’s mouth recently regarding his attitude (substance abuse), received messages from him with promises, he tortured me using the core of what I am, a mum, to try to entice me to accept he will improve after having an epiphany about his attitude. I don’t believe him but I want to go back, work on my reactions to turn them into un-reactions…call me stupid if you want but I am close to jacking it in and go back, It’s easier…

I don’t see the point of being here away from my home. Never ever did I think i would have to rebuild a life. I used to call myself a coward on earlier posts, I still am.

The family psychotherapist sent me some “useful” links after phoning me to rearrange a cancelled meeting. I looked at them on his email and i feel belittled, put in the ranks of nutters. I just can’t do it ok????? I cant see myself divorced, alone, with the risk of my youngest staying with his dad. I just can’t do it. I know i sound and look like a total waste of time, a procrastinator.

I actually dared pronounce (removed by moderator) as what I think happens in my house. The psychotherapist went silent after I asked him if he knew what it is and I then went on saying all the information I have heard and read match my experience. He didn’t comment, he has never met my husband who never attended a single session.

I feel lost, exhausted, lonely, ridiculous, theatrical,stupid,over reacting, everything bad you can think of, that’s what i am. I regret ringing the police x years ago, I regret getting agencies involved. I want to rewrite the past few months and deal with my situation all by myself, and not allow anyone to peer into the situation. After all, is it any better next door, elsewhere, anywhere?

What if I did go back…? Learn not to react… Who cares what he does, says, thinks…

I feel chaos in my head. I was angry at my Al Anon meeting tonight. We were talking about taking care and our Higher Power. I felt terribly angry and upset over my chaos.

I fear I will go back and try again, I feel pulled into doing this…

[KIP.]

I can understand these feelings. You are craving what is normal to you. Like a drug addict. If you go back then you go back on the roundabout of hell. Nothing will change and you know you will be punished worse than ever. How is your divorce coming along? Can you push that forward and fight for a good financial settlement? Enough to buy your own place or get the house? Your kids will all have moved out in a few years and will be doing their own thing anyway. Think about how you can involve yourself more in your youngests life without returning. The home life you were living was not good for anyone. My son has sided with his father. Kids can be selfish and just want an easy life. It’s no reflection on you x

[Peaceful Pig]

It’s very early days for you. Please hold tight and sit this out a little longer rather than make decisions based on trauma bonds, fear and self-drive. I can remember such an intense yearning a few months after leaving, once the relief wore off. Not for my ex because I was so relieved to finally be free of him, but for my home, my children, my life. It is grief and so incredibly painful. Your children are simply doing the same, holding onto the familiar for comfort in uncertainty. You have done something new and radical that their dad disagrees with. They are waiting to see what happens. In time these feelings will pass and you will grow in cofidence and strength. The children will see that, they will come to you when they see you are safe. And as KIP says, they are of an age they prefer the company of peers, they’ll be flying the nest so there is no point sacrificing yourself any further. Hang on in there x

[Confused123]

HI HUn

I agree with ladies, the fact that you dont see your youngest is hurting you a lot, but if you go back to him you will return to the same cycle, the first year and half is hard, but again its about u adapting to your new lifestyle and discovering yourself again , think about thew strong message you are giving your children that abuse should not be tolerated, youhave one child visiting you , slowly the others will come around at their own time, post on here and reach out for support as much as you need

[Serenity]

Hi Bridget,

It’s normal to feel like you do. Many women here have poured so much time and energy into trying to raise a family, for it to all seem like it was futile, because of our ex’s behaviour and attempts to sabotage, as well as the children’s behaviour towards us.

Even in families where there is no abuse or break-up, teenagers go through a period of wanting to distance themselves from their parents, and it’s natural to an extent. In fact, it’s your ex who is imposing his issues and alcoholism upon the children who
isn’t allowing them the space and encouragement they need.

Keep on going, Bridget. All we did for our kids in the past wasn’t wasted. Things evolve, people evolve. It’s painful in many ways having the children grow up, and of course you have the added dimension of wanting to protect them. if you returned, what will have changed? You would still be subject to his behaviour- at least this way you are teaching the kids that it’s not acceptable. I think allowing them space and time to come around is the best thing. And you will be a grandma one day: your kids will, I am sure, be dropping their kids off to you quite often!

[lover of no contact]

Hi Bridget,

Your feelings are totally normal in your situation. But feelings change. Hang in there with these awful feelings of the change that had to happen to get out of the cycle of abuse. These feelings will pass. You can feel them, get them out here with us and at the al-anon meetings. Eventually you will have a different feeling and perspective. Just don’t whatever you do act on your feelings and go out of the frying pan into the fire. Keep posting for support.

This too will pass.

I try to remind myself now to act from the logical part of my brain, not my emotional part which is affected by my feelings. I’m trying to make decisions on my behaviour from a place of logic not emotion. So hard to sit with those feelings I know. But the feelings you are having won’t be forever. Maybe even in a month’s time you will feel differently. Ride through those feelings, the loneliness, the missing your home/children/garden, feeling cast-out and ostracized. They are normal feelings and part of the recovery process. Just whatever you do don’t break the No Contact with your abuser whatever you do.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

To all of you lovely ladies,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I know you are right and I am wrong.
I attended another Al Anon meeting and felt better afterwards. Tonight was about Faith and self care, how appropriate.
I go with a new lady friend who has lived a similar life to mine but with the enormous strain of alcoholism that is manyfold worse than in my family situation. I help her see things more clearly and she helps me too. She is in the anger stage, real anger. We simply help each other.
I looked on my regional domestic abuse services Facebook page and saw two posters sounding so much like what I experience with my husband. It sounds so much like what he does, minimising my feelings, my reactions, blaming my anger against what he does, telling me it’s not that bad, ignoring my feelings, my fears…

So tonight was a good meeting. I felt like crying because we welcomed a mum of my age and her adult daughter, a very brave girl who reminded me so much of myself when I was younger living at home with my alcoholic mum and my dad who ended up drinking too. I didn’t have the courage to “react” and learned to absorb instead, but that young daughter moved out from her parental home and tonight she came to the meeting, how brave! Her mum must be so proud…but I suddenly realised how indeed I did learn in early childhood to absorb my pain and my feelings, shoving it all behind a protective wall of denial. That’s how I learned to get used to abuse…it suddenly hit me tonight…i listened to that young lady and felt like protecting her, but SHE has to learn to protect herself, learn to grow despite her dad’s drinking and the way he blames his kids.

I woke up different today, each day bringing a different perspective. So Faith and self care come from hoping a new feeling will awaken my understanding of myself, and events in the day will open up new avenues. And today was a good day for that. My opportunities in my work keep on developing. I was amazed by the positive comments I received these last few days.

So today the urge to go back is diminished, I listen to good advice and hang on, waiting patiently for a new day. I tried today to believe in myself after the positive comments re my work, and allowed the day to develop.

I will post if I feel bad again. Decades of this life are hard to chase away. The yoyo effect!

For now I am ready to stay.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[lover of no contact]

So glad for you Bridget that you’re feeling stronger today. But your post described so well the feelings that come after we leave and we have to try manage despite being off the’ merry -go- round’ of abuse. You described so well with words what I have gone through but couldn’t articulate, just felt it. Thankyou for posting your anguish.

The loneliness and feeling estranged from our precious beloved children is too much to bear on our own. This Forum is great isn’t it. Where would we be without it. Everytime we post whether feeling good or bad, our posts help someone else. The important thing I have found is not to try and cope with abusers and the aftermath on our own. Yet at the time when the feelings are overwhelming its the hardest thing to pick up the phone (to W.A) or to post on here.

Enjoy today feeling better. Together we can all make it on this arduous path of recovery. Supporting one another really does work!

[Author]

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