I feel like I can’t leave

[feelingtrapped01]

I have been with my husband many years, since I was a teenager. We are now married with a young child and a house. I feel like I sleepwalked into it and carry a lot of guilt that I have brought her into this situation.

I won’t go into details as I am sure you will all imagine but our relationship has always been toxic. But postpartum was the one of the worst times where he played on my mental and physical vulnerabilities and insecurities. Name calling (fat, ugly, horse), targeting my sanity, made me feel crazy, stonewalling, whether I am a fit mother. He controls what I do and who I see, I don’t have any social life, he doesn’t explicitly say I can’t do things, but god will he make me feel awful and guilty for wanting to do it. So I don’t. He has been physical, throws things, throws food, pinches, kicks, pushes. would pinch me often if I tried to wake him to lend a hand if I was falling asleep holding my daughter in the night when she was a few months old. I once lashed out at him and reacted to being tormented by being ignored and I hated myself for it, I felt and still feel so guilty. I feel like our relationship is so toxic it just brings out a side I don’t want to be and don’t recognise sometimes. I worry he will use this against me.

fast forward to the last few months, I saw a psychotherapist twice before she said I was being emotionally abused, gaslit, coercively and financially controlled. I saw her as I started to think it was all me – this is what he says all the time. She recommended I contact women’s aid and said she wouldn’t be able to see me anymore as she was advised it wasn’t safe for either of us. I did contact them and was classed medium risk so they didn’t really offer much concrete help on how to leave.

 

I have been open with my husband, which I’m not sure was the right decision. I have been open that I want to separate. He has been so down and depressed, blamed the therapist said it is all her fault, said awful things. Said I make things up, exaggerate, lie, am too sensitive… Said he will kill himself if we divorce, or would make my life hell like by killing anyone I got into a new relationship with. He says these things so seriously and I do wonder if he is capable. He makes me feel like I should doubt the therapist and her credibility, he tells me I would ruin my daughter’s life if we separate. I worry he will use things against me, make out I am crazy. Or do all the things he has threatened.

I just want to leave, whoever’s fault it is, whoever is more toxic, I want to end the cycle. I can’t put things aside anymore and move on.

I just really don’t know how I can possibly leave? I would ruin my daughter’s life if he killed himself, or if he made my life hell as I would be unhappy, guilty and everything else. Why can’t he just let me leave? I feel like my body is physically rejecting him, I can be civil and fine but cannot bear the thought of being affectionate. Do I just put up with it all and try to put my feelings aside, stay with him so my daughter grows up with her father happy and alive?

 

[Lisa]

Hi Feelingtrapped01,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

It is understandable you have concerns about leaving and the impact on your daughter, it can feel very overwhelming. Unfortunately it is common for abusive people to use threats of harm and suicide as a way of maintaining the control over the relationship. It can be very distressing to hear these threats and to know what to do. Only he is responsible for his actions and his behaviour- you are not causing him to act this way and you cannot change him as he is choosing to behave in this way. You and your daughter should be able to live without fear and without restrictions.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. Finding out your rights and options can really help with planning- take it step by step. You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service currently open Mon-Fri 10am-4pm. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Keep posting to us when you can, you are not alone.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s such a difficult place to be, where you are, and lots of women will relate to you and the place where you find yourself.

I would say that it is a mistake at this point to share with your husband what you are thinking or feeling.

If he is threatening to kill himself and others then my personal take on that is that it is extremely dangerous and I would proceed with extreme caution.

Ifvyouvfelt able to go to the police and tell them about that as well as other abuse that’s happened in the past they may remove him from the family home,  giving you time to make a decision about what to do or where to live. They may not on the other hand.

You can plan to leave by putting all the necessary steps in place beforehand. You will then be ready to leave one day when he’s not there.

if you feel like you need more time then take it. Learn about the effect that abuse has in children and on you and then you may find that you don’t feel upset about removing your daughter from that toxic and harmful relationship.
there is a book which is popular on the forum called “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s very good, you may be able to get it from the library or download a version online or order it. BBC radio 4 (Ulster) also did a series called Femicide recently which is interesting background and can be easily downloaded and listened to as a podcast.

Theres lots of reading and help available to help you understand better what’s happening.
Keep posting here and read through the old posts.., nothing better in helping than knowing you’re not alone and others are sharing this journey with you.

[InShock]

Feelingtrapped01 I agree with evenserpentsshine comment above. I can’t add much anything else practical except I want to say that your situation sounds very similar to mine although I wasn’t with my husband for anywhere near as long.

We are extremely similar given that things got much worse after the birth of our child. Think about it this way: your daughter needs you. She needs you to be healthy, happy, and emotionally safe (let alone physically safe) to look after her and set a good example that you do not agree with abusive behaviour from anyone.

in my case things became much more dangerous when I let him know I was very unhappy and thinking of ending the marriage. Because that’s when he increased all his forms of abuse. And I was a new mother with a newborn child so it was really scary. These people don’t function like normal people.

Talk to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice and they could help you with a safety plan. For example they might advise you to dial 999 if one day something he does really scares you and it feels like an emergency — that might be your signal and help you to leave with your daughter. Or as EvenSerpentsShine says you could do an “occupation order” if you feel more prepared in advance.

Then, don’t look back. You probably will, and you’ll probably feel all sorts of things especially guilt (because you’re a decent, non-abusive person) — but push through that and see you’re doing the right thing for your daughter. You will be saving her from abuse herself.

 

keep posting. wishing you the best

[InShock]

Also just to say that like you, I was reacting and becoming someone that wasn’t me.

[Author]

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