I feel like it’s my fault is it?

[carla]

Is it my fault?

Very recently I had to call the police on my partner as he was smashing up the house and had threatened me. in the same evening he had shouted in the street so all the neighbours could hear what I had done wrong, spat at me, poured a can of bear while I was curled up in a bawl on the bed then something hit my head. I was so scared I cried out and he got upset with me for shouting and said all he was doing was making a pizza and then broke every banister on the stairs and smashed things around the house. He taunted me to call the police as we both knew we couldn’t carry on like this anymore. So the police came and took him away as he admitted the damage, (detail removed by moderator). A police officer was so worried after seeing the footage that she came to see me nearly every day the next week after this. The events leading up to this have got more common and this has included continually abusive language, keeping me awake all night by pulling off covers, spiting, breaking things, threatening to smash my face in, going on tinder to get me back and sleeping with someone, going back to the one nights stands houses before I met him and threatening then (thankfully he couldn’t find them) , catching me on the nose so that I end up with two black eyes, extreme sex, isolation from friends, changing career so working in isolation form home and constantly living on eggshells as the slightest thing like a road sign that featured a place I had dated set him off or even talking to my mum.

The thing is this is probably typical here isn’t it but I can’t help but feel responsible for taking the man of my dreams, the most romantic intelligent person I could ever wish to meet, the person I had waiting for all my life and sending him crazy and causing his anger and pain that he reflected back on me.

I lied to him when I first met him on a website about my husband’s extent of knowledge of what I was doing (I cheated on my husband through numerous (detail removed by moderator) and a fetish dates because I was desperate to end my marriage even though I had only been married for (detail removed by moderator) but we had been together (detail removed by moderator) prior to this and had two children) and with the amount of dates I had had. The abuser knew I was married before we met and we met through a fetish sex site. The abuser was also in a (detail removed by moderator) relationship but they had a more open relationship (he also had a child) although she was devoted to him.

The abuser was the last person I met though the internet as I feel in love instantly and wanted to stop the crazy behaviour and leave my husband who still wanted to work things out. I lied to him for many reasons but at first shame of what i had done. He knew I was keeping things and constantly begged for the truth for (detail removed by moderator) but I was to frightened by then to give him any more details as within three months of being together we had already has such a big fight that I had never seen anyone behave like that before and I felt scared. I loved him dearly and could see the pain of the past was causing him even though it meant nothing to me but I still lied over (detail removed by moderator) despite him begging me to tell the truth of all the people I had met online. He felt that he had left his child for me and it was all based on a lie (even though we were both cheating and both within long term relationships at the time) . Something he would scream at me every few days that I had taken every thing from him yet I had also left my partner for him. What kind of person would do that to someone.

I can’t explain why I wasn’t honest first shame and trying to put yourself in a better light then soon realising that the truth wasn’t going down well and then the fear of what the truth would bring. He begged and pleaded with me to tell the truth but I was just to scared by that point and also scared of him leaving me. He started looking like a detective for facts and details so he could find out for himself, days and hours on the internet, pawing over every details. We would spends nearly (detail removed by moderator) discussing every little details and most of the time he would get so angry with me. It didn’t help that I didn’t always remember details. So this pattern lasted a few years and finally I owned up to every detail despite the fear of what he would do I was exhausted by then of the battering of abuse I was getting every area of my life and my behaviour turned against me I just wanted to die. I had told him so many times if he could accept what i had done then hi needed to leave as i couldn’t change anything but he couldn’t and said that our love meant more to him. He was so negative about every aspect of my life and how I was day to day. He even suggested I had incestuous thoughts about my son. He called me a w***e and a s**t most days but i just desperately wanted to let him see how much I loved him and would do anything to show him this as we still had so much love for each other. The verbal abuse got worse and sometimes in front of kids ofter he would threaten to smash my face in, he would put his hands around my neck and look at me with so much hate but in the end I wanted him to kill me as i and had enough. He was terrified what people thought of him as by now people had noticed I had withdrawn and made me tell people what i had done so he looked in a better light. He even wanted me to tell my children. My elastic broke and I gave in to it. I would of done anything to show him I was a different person and I lied because I loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. What I had done in the past was a reaction to getting married and I had never done anything like this before and seeing the pain it caused i would never do it again.

He kept leaving and coming back as the love between us was so strong we were completely addicted to each other and I am still to him right now. But I had caused so much pain in him I can’t help but think I deserved it all.

Since the restraining order he has cut himself off completely and stuck to the letter of the agreement, even telling the police when I sent him a love note in with his clothes. It’s killing me but he seems to have detached himself with ease.

I feel like such a bad person. I have nothing I have no job and hours and hours a day at home on my own. Friends and family are amazing and the support network through my borough is good. But it keeps going round in my head that I deserved everything. I was a s**t before I met him and how could i of treated him like that.

I feel like Im going mad as this only happened a couple of weeks ago now. I need to get a job but my self esteem is through the floor. I miss him so much I cant seem to do anything else but go back to the thoughts of the love we had and can’t bring myself to think about the bad side.

Sorry if this sounds confusing it’s so much to get into one post but the crux is that I lied about my past and that started the chain of events tat led to this behaviour and Im confused if i brought this on myself.

Please help to to unravel this

[KIP.]

Abuse is solely the responsibility of the abuser. He is responsible for his own actions. He choses to behave this way. Whatever you have done does not excuse or explain his behaviour. One hundred percent his fault. Stop taking the blame for his behaviour. If you continue to take the blame then he never will. Abusers dont change so try to concentrate on your own mental health. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even it its dangerous dysfunctional behaviour. We crave this and feel that only by returning to this behaviour will we find peace. In reality by returning to this behaviour we put ourselves in danger. If you can go no contact and give yourself a chance to heal, and get some councelling, then things will get much better. Google cycle of abuse. Ring the helpline number on here. When my ex was arrested he switched instantly to victim mode. Trying to make me confused but i know there is not one ounce of victim in his body. Predator, abuser, manipulating, evil, dysfunctional abuser.

[SunshineRainflower]

I second Kip, it’s definitely not your fault. Abusers are so clever, they do the most awful violent things and somehow convince us that it’s our fault through guilt tripping and other manipulative techniques. I also used to end up apologising when my ex had done something awful to me, he had this incredible way of turning everything around so that it was always my fault. These men are not right, they lack empathy, guilt and remorse and know exactly what they are doing.

If a friend told you that her partner had done what you wrote above, would you think it was her fault? He is responsible for his own behaviour. He can get as angry as he likes, there is no excuse for violence.

Go no contact, get support from the police and helpline and local DV service, you’ll miss him terribly at first but it is just trauma bonding and will ease it up with time. There’s a great book called Why Does he Do that by Lundy Bancroft that will explain a lot, plus Pat Craven’s resources online.

[carla]

Thanks so much for support I just wanted hear it from someone else. I know a behaved badly before I met him but I know in my heart I am a good person that would never repeat my behaviour and thats all I could be know that you will learn from your experiences and move on and treat people with respect that they deserve in future. I used to tell him this all the time but he just could focus beyond the actual acts and I lived through that for three years almost daily.

The road on your own is lonely but at least it’s steady and only you upsetting you rather than what it was like before! I did my best to love him with everything I had and to show him I was not that person anymore but it was futile.

I do fear now retribution as he always said he would and brace myself for this in months or even years time as I don’t think he will drop it as he truly believes I messed his life up and I deserve to have my life torn apart. But I will use the time to get stronger and wait for that time.

[polarone]

This message resonated with me. I met my ex on the Internet and I too wasn’t honest with her about my past. When I was younger, (detail removed by moderator) I met a man in the Internet who was ten years older than me and got pregnant, it was a very messed up time for me, I was seeing someone else at the time and cheated on them and let them believe they were the parent of my baby. I told the truth eventually, and have lived with the guilt all my adult life. I didn’t tell my ex about this until a year into our relationship. She would always use this as an excuse for her violence towards me. I was ashamed and didn’t want her to think badly of me. I was constantly walking in egg shells from the very start, have had my nose broken and been thrown around and once she tried to suffocate me with a pillow. I have now left the relationship even though they got back in touch with me and said how sorry they were and how they realised they needed to change. It didn’t work out again but I am missing them terribly and blaming myself thinking that my lies drove them to acting this way.

[carla]

The first message I typed got lost ……try again

Your message made me cry the fact of finding someone who feels like I do. Its so hard feeling like your at the core of all this craziness. You might not be the day to day cause and no way do you deserve the levels of retribution but feeling like you are at the core of all this like you could of helped the situation from the start. I never knew it would cause this and would give anything to turn bask the clocks. To release their pain that causes the reaction. So much love destroyed on both sides. The love i’d always dreamed of the love that made me want to change and be respectful and not take things for granted anymore.

I want that love back but I don’t want the pain that it causes. I held on so tightly I thought I could withstand anything and I promised I wouldn’t leave them. Time and time again we tried to break up but within hours getting back together, like a child that leaves home but doesn’t make it past the end of the road.

It’s good you got a sorry I hope that helps in some way. I think it might make you love the person more though and be harder to stay away a glimmer of hope that makes you think maybe things will change.

I read many articles about (detail removed by moderator) which Im sure he is partly but a n********t doesn’t have the love that we had and the good times and the romance do they. Surely it must be me then that is the cause. All I know is how messed up my head is at the moment and that I can’t concentrate for very long. I need to find work quickly but that takes focus and Im not sure I have what it takes at the moment.

How can we tell people though what we did. How can we explain it was a mistake and that we would never hurt anyone like that again. That the sexual acts were just me finding my way out of a relationship that i felt so trapped in. Yes I behaved like a SXXt in the past but I am not one now I’ve learnt from the pain I caused and want to move on.

When I got hit Im sure it was an accident was only meant as a threat that went wrong like you I ended up with black eyes but surely we didn’t deserve that did we. But I don’t think they would think that either they knew what they did was wrong but it just wouldn’t go away their pain.

My friends knew and accepted what i had done so why couldn’t he? He hated them because they knew and didn’t stop me before. So I stopped talking to them as it caused too much tension.

I miss him so much I with i could of stayed but the damage to the house was too much and I couldn’t hide it from anyone anymore and I have kids in the house.

To call the police seems the ultimate betrayal and I never wanted that ever

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

welldone for calling the polcie, its terrifying for us, think about how the kids must of felt, u don’t deserved to be spat on and hit, they r responsible fro their actions, dont think u provoked him or gave him an excuse to get angry, we are all responsible for controlling our anger, i know it hurts his cut u off and moved on but this just goes tos how he prob deos it reguarly and was just using u for sex. I would recommned u stay away from guys for a while, when we finish with one person then enter another relationship we are still vunerable . I had to ask myself loads when i miss ex why do i want some one that offers me nothing and treats me like c**p, that was a eye opener cause it revealed i had no value for myself. Today x years on am still healing but love myself . I notice u refer yourself to a s *** a lot, could it just be u have a high sex drive , yes im aware u cheated on your first partner but didnt he too. Try counselling to see what went wrong in both your relationship, keep posting on here too

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum Carla,

Keep posting and reading the posts you will get the strength and raise your self-esteem to find a job and find healing for yourself. You will also learn to let go of the guilt. Guilt is only a feeling to tell us we are making self-destructive choices for ourselves and a nudge to start making healthy, self-caring choices. Don’t waste your guilt feelings on him. He is an adult and he doesn’t have to behave violently because you do a,b,c,d. Even if you were Mother Teresa (a saint) all your life he would have behaved as he did, just different excuses. I was the perfect, good daughter and wife and never put a foot wrong and I was abused badly by my abuser mum and abuser ex husband. And it was always my fault.

My abuser’s thinking was if you didn’t do a,b,c,d, I wouldn’t have to get mad and hurt you! However my abuser loved the feeling of Power he felt at seeing my hurt and distress caused by him shouting at me, harassing me, financially hurting and worrying me etc. He loved and got a high from seeing me frightened and fearful of him and seeing our house in chaos and my children and I all walking on egg shells around him when he on his abusive rampage. The he secretly smiled to himself when he turned on the charm and we all relieved responded to this charm and let down our defences, felt loved again until the cycle of abuse began again when he decided it would begin. Yes google Power and Control and google Cycle of Abuse.

Be gentle with yourself. We are human. We get things wrong. We make mistakes with our behaviours and lives. All of us do it in one form or another, no one has the write to hurt us or abuse us as a result of our choices.

If you keep reading the posts on here you will have the strength and the awareness to resist any hoovers he attempts to hoover you back into the relationship or even just contact with you so he can abuse you again.

[Author]

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