- This topic has 17 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
So I’m actually doing my own head in….my husband has moved out for a few weeks and I’ve been looking to get my head in order to figure out what I want to do… I’ve been looking at flats to move to as I know he won’t move out long term. I found one on Tuesday I loved, it was a bit further away than I wanted in the countryside but was lovely inside and owner said could even leave some furniture etc. When I left I was really positive, put in an application and then went to bed that night and woke up having a panic attack, not wanting to go forward with it, thinking it’s too far away and I’ll feel cut off (its a 15-20 min drive from where I am now)and so I’ve not paid to hold it and been just wanting it all to go away….I feel like I should maybe give my husband another chance, suggest he seeks individual therapy for his aggressive behaviour and we can all stay together…the thought of my daughter missing her daddy and resenting me for breaking her family up breaks my heart….I’m so confused!
How can I be so sure and positive one minute and so confused and anxious and unsure the next….I’m doing my own head in! Help! x -
This is what abuse does. FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt. You are not preventing your child from seeing her daddy, you’re protecting her mental health and yours by limiting her exposure to an aggressive dysfunction man with no empathy who will use her to control you without a second thought for her wellbeing. He will gaslight her. Let her down time and time again. Staying with an abuser is not an option when you have children to protect. How many chances have you already given him? Abuse always gets worse. You will always find an excuse to stay. How about making a list of reasons to leave x the flat sounds great. You will soon get used to the twenty minute journey x
-
I split my family up and at the time my youngest was pretty young and she did ask where he was all the time at first and this I found a struggle. At the time though id say I was in what I thought was a normal relationship I was so muddled up and just couldnt think straight. In hindsight and only after years I wish some one had clarified to me as im going to do here it is 100 percent in your child best interest not to have an abusive man influencing her. He isn’t a good role model because his beliefs and values are scewed as most abusive mens are well all . the primary care givers in a childs life are their main role models and 9 times out off ten they adopt their habits from seeing them doing things. especially toward you and it can undermine relationships with you their mum. I have been reading endlessly about this very thing as I have stopped contact all together I know this is not always an option but it was the right thing to do xx hard but right xx
-
Thanks both, the problem is that my husband will NEVER give up on wanting 50/50 custody and so I am going to be able to protect her less by being away from her 50% of the time….that’s what makes it so much harder. If he wasn’t interested I would be gone but he will never let go of her and will fight for her and he has a lot more money than me, he’s very calculated and charismatic and will win everyone over…he’s even doing the whole ‘woe him’ act as he’s moved out! It’s exhausting.
KIP – thanks re the encouragement re the flat. I’m just worried that as it’s not a village with shops etc for miles my daughter might feel a bit alone as we are used to a village being 2 min away and can walk in 15 mins. I just want her to be happy when she is with me so that even if she does have to be with him that her home with me is her happy place x
-
Seeing your fears takes me back to exactly where i was. I believed he’d get custody and that i would not be able to protect the children. Be strong and recognise that’s all part of his brainwashing. I believed he’d fool everyone, but can tell you they have seen it all before. If you’re worried about his affect on your daughter, fight him. I got legal aid, much to my surprise because I was believed. I didn’t think i would be but the truth shines through because unlike their lies the truth stays constant. Reach out to your gp, WA and anyone offering support. Sending strength x*x
-
He says he wants 50/50 because he knows that’s your weak spot. Can he even practically fit in 50/50. The court starts at that place but you can argue against this by presenting a good case. Him using this access as a threat is not what caring parent do. They want what’s best for their children. Not what hurts the other party most. The court will see through this. Try to think about a way in rather than a way out. So if she’s with you and you want to go somewhere you simply drive the 20 minutes. Her happy safe place is wherever you are. 20 minutes or 50 minutes drive. You just organise your shopping a little better and find things to do near your new home x
-
A lot of the time these men only want access to the child so they can carry on using access as a means of controlling you. If you said you would be delighted if he had her 50/50 he would simply change the goal posts, find the next thing to regain control. When he says he wants 50/50 does he say it in a loving caring way. Or as a threat? Keep a detailed journal of all this. You may well need it one day and it’s good evidence x
-
KIP – your message just made me cry ‘Her happy safe place is wherever you are. 20 minutes or 50 minutes drive.’…..I feel so emotional today and like I just don’t have the strength to fight him. If I move out I’m going to have to buy some new furniture and will have to do this with a credit card – I feel like just hiring a van and taking a load of stuff from here while he’s at work but I’m scared what he will do….
I also keep wondering whether I should just meet him somewhere mutual and tell him I’m going and ask him for money to cover my rent and deposit for a month and if he says no tell him we can do this the hard way then and go through an occupation order….or do you think this is crazy?! I just don’t see why I should be getting in debt and moving away when he’s basically in the house and laughing with all the furniture….But yes you are right re the location of the new flat…Only thing I did wonder though is because it’s ground floor will I feel on edge that he might try break in or something….?!
-
Don’t worry about him having money for solicitors re contact issues. Keep a log of everything he has done and your concerns re contact moving forward. You don’t need legal representation to go to court. Let him waste all of his money if he so wishes. You can go to court yourself with someone to support you. I had this all with my ex husband. I didn’t pay a penny and went to court myself. It’s totally fine. If it did get to that and CAFCASS would have to intervene and write a report. In my experience courts aren’t really into 50/50 contact. It’s not great for kids to never really have a permanent home. It’s disruptive.
Also if you do get a solicitor’s letter recommending mediation you don’t have to go because of the domestic abuse. These men use their kids and the courts as a way to continue with their control and power trip.
Get some advice from WA about how best to proceed. -
I’ve had a similar thing happen to me and my advice is if you can safely go back and get anything you need please do. I wish I had! I’ve been left with virtually nothing, he’s taken anything related to our daughter and I’m devastated! What’s more he has destroyed work done to the house and taken anything he deemed as valuable. My parents home I might add.
I am still being bullied and manipulated constantly. I cannot wait to get through court again so I have my daughter securely in my care. It’s awful what these men continue to do x -
Thanks Hetty, good to hear that you don’t think courts are very keen on 50/50. I think I will call womens aid tomorrow as I have a case registered with them and find out what they suggest re leaving. I really want to try and do it with the least disruption for my daughter as she is super sensitive, possibly on the spectrum etc…It also sounds crazy but she loves her dad and I know is going to miss him which upsets me so much as I never wanted to be in a situation where I would put my daughter through what I went through (I never met my dad) and grew up in a single parent family etc….it’s so hard!
-
Lavenderrose Thanks for your message. Sorry to hear what has happened to you, so awful. I am still at our home as he has moved out for another week but I am worried how I am going to get stuff out if I suddenly take off to a flat I have found…I feel like I want to take some stuff but not loads just enough for me to have the basics….I think I’m going to talk to womens aid tomorrow and discuss an exit plan…so scary all this. I never thought I would be in this situation but I don’t suppose anyone does….sending love xx
-
It’s scary as hell. I totally get where you are coming from regarding the disruption to your child. Staying in an abusive relationship will cause far more disruption in the longer term. Children love their parents unconditionally. They don’t understand and just as we are in a cycle of abuse, so are they.
Get some support regarding your planning. I’ve had friends saying do this and do that, not really understanding that this takes planning (as long as you’re not in imminent danger). It’s important you feel in control. Sending love -
Thanks Hetty, I feel really out of control because I desperately don’t want to have to live with him again and he’s moving back (detail removed by moderator) unless I can try and make him stay away longer but I doubt he will…He literally makes my skin crawl now and I’m not sure if thats just because I’ve got used to being without him or because I’ve been thinking more about what he has done or maybe I’m just not in a good frame of mind…I don’t know really questioning myself now. I’ve left a message for womens aid so will see what they say but I may just ask him to stay away longer but even then I;m not sure what my plan should be. It hasn’t helped that I woke up today feeling really anxious and my sister had mesaged me overnight saying she didn’t think I should move out but should fight to stay in the house as it will damage my daughter more by me leaving as she won’t have familiar surroundings etc….completely thrown me!
-
-
I know how you feel about the thoughts of him coming home. My husband was away with work. The first week was like heaven on earth. The second week I was having nightmares and struggling to fall asleep because I was dreading him returning. Says it all really.
What about if you made some excuse to keep him out a little longer. Feign an illness you don’t want him to catch? -
-
If you can safely bide your time then do it if you feel you need more time to plan.im. I’m biding my time with the support of my local DA organisation. Use every minute he’s away wisely. Sort out your stuff so you know what you’re taking and what you don’t need. De clutter. Get clothes and stuff out if you can. Say you’re having a clear out.
Do whatever you need and don’t feel guilty. You and your daughter are what matters. The minute he started abusing you was the minute he ended any right to your thoughts.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
