I feel sad , but keeping myself safe

[Hiya@]

Well I’m writing this after being awake since 2 am having a panic attack, I am absolutely safe and currently staying in the spare room of a family member I am hundreds of miles away from him, he can’t hurt me, massive trauma bonding over a prolonged period that I am desperately try to break, I’m done I have finally left for good. He of course is being both pathetic and charming, I have blocked all contact other than email (detail removed by moderator). And do know what I am pathetically grateful and SAD. I have known this man nearly all my life and apart from a significant gap , we both married other people I feel like I have been trying to love him forever. But I have been unhappy for years the cycle of abuse, his moods, walking on eggshells, the name calling , the physical violence, my things being smashed, the lack of affection have worn me down to the point I had no idea how to live another life . I staid because sometimes it’s great, I staid because I believed that he could change ( he can’t , they don’t) . I think I am grieving the lost years and the future years ( rose tinted glasses it would definitely have been the same s**t repeating itself)
So I’m just here writing this as a new day starts because the alternative is to send him a warm email, and I can’t even give him a c***k of my emotions because believe me he would be in there manipulating me , pressing all my buttons, making me laugh , gaslighting me ( of course ).
This forum is keeping me strong , and thank goodness I can spill my thoughts and feeling out here, I also keep a journal ( helps too).
So today I can hopefully move forward.
Sending love to all of us struggling out here x

[lover of no contact]

Hiya@,

You are doing great. Well done. The healing begins. I find taking it One Day at a Time helps. I try to stay in the present not stare back at the past (glance but not stare) and not go into the future (that’s hard not to do). Stay in the day. You are safe now. Today is a beautiful 24 hours that you have to Self-Care. Each act of care and love for yourself that you do today will help you heal from the past. I can relate and identify with your experience but it does get better in every way. We are survivors and we will not only survive but thrive with the right support and time. Keep posting and sharing your feelings. Your feelings that were pushed down to survive need to come to the surface which they do when we’re safe. The main thing I find is the importance of No Contact with them. Abusers are cunning. Any contact with them strengthens them and weakens us. Is there a third party that could read your emails and tell you the gist of it so you’re not directly reading what he writes? Just a thought.

[weather]

Good advice, Lover of No Contact. I’m trying to embed what you’ve mentioned. I take each day as it comes and can finally take a breath without fear, even though I get bad days of PTSD. I can’t look back anymore as thankfully it’s all over and has been for such a long time. I’m single and free.

[Hiya@]

Hello, thank you for your reply. I do have a good friend who reads and edits all my emails to him, I dont engage with his reply’s unless they specifically address my points about the very practical issues of separation, She literally takes words out, he has no idea where I am as stopped all my social media as have my family. I need to do this because I have left twice before and he sucked me back in. So distance and no contact is the only way forward. I do feel a bit lost at the moment and that’s fine it’s to be expected. I am as you say a survivor, I have survived. X

[Author]

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