I feel tremendous guilt day in, day out.

[wordsandcoffee]

As heartbreaking as it is for me to write this, I must. The trauma and emotional abuse that my family have put me through, I am starting to realise that this is unintentionally isolating me from my current friends. Having the sudden realisation how none of what I have been experiencing is normal and sharing that with those few friends I have, I can tell they are finding it so hard to understand and relate to me. For context, I have a friend who lives (detail removed by Moderator). We have never met IRL, all of our interactions are online and at the moment mostly via text due to how ran down I feel and also I am at my family home where the people who have abused me live. I am a (detail removed by Moderator) year old woman who is at risk mentally and unfortunately have very little funds in the bank currently, although I am on a benefit due to my condition and mental ill health. Ideally, my plan is to get a job, perhaps a café job and get myself out of this situation but that feels so far away right now because I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed and to do the every day expected things. I feel like I’m slowly falling apart. I manage to get paid (detail removed by Moderator) which then I can possibly have some online therapy via video chat. Thankfully my family are now acknowledging how horrific this have become and respect my bedroom is my private space now and will leave me to my own devices. I feel so alone and I just wish I had someone to talk to who understands or can at least guide me in the right direction. I cannot believe this is what my life has come to. I am terrified for the future.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello wordsandcoffee

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling right now, and what a struggle your life is. Its a huge step forward that your family at least have recognised the solid boundary of a bedroom door, so you can have a space that feels safe from them, and that is down to you asserting it, which can’t have been easy, so it really is something to celebrate.

Its also to be acknowledged how big a step it is to reach out and write down your situation here. You are no longer alone once you can do this, but are part of a larger community of women in abuse, or getting out, left, and there are ways and means, and many insights to be gained from posting and reading here. I hope you benefit enormously from being here and can start to find some further links to support and routes out for you.

You are young and have your life ahead of you, this part of it you can leave behind you and work on recovering from once all the right elements are in place. Do you have any organisations around you that will means test the support you receive, so you won’t have to pay a full price? Take lots of good gentle care of yourself, and prioritise your needs, do all that you can to find the things in yourself that you enjoy and do them as much as possible, whether it be music, or out walking, reading, whatever it may well, use it to give yourself a much needed break, and some balance from the negative.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

I also just noticed your tags, do you have a good relationship with your gp so you can get some more definite regular support in place, and free help from nhs services?

You need your gp onside, and if your gp isn’t particularly helpful or easy to talk to, find another, until you have one that feels right for you.

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