I gave it another chance

[ConfusedAgain]

He seemed different and i felt maybe we were getting somewhere and I felt so happy, and all of a sudden he disclosed he had been taking drugs and then assaulted me because I didnt agree with it, yet again I have had to leave home with our child , i am to blame as usual. I am the manipulative one, i lie , he assaulted me because I screamed at him apparently. I raised my voice but didnt scream.

Its been reported , i dont want him arrested but police have insisted on talking to him, i feel nervous and heartbroken because now i know it is definitely over.

[lilaclady]

I hope you are ok! sending hugs to you. Glad its been reported. Do you have good support around you? x

[ConfusedAgain]

I have some family but will be on own at christmas, even spoke to a vicar last week because i was desperate for a miracle, sounds silly. deep down i wish he would change.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Confusedagain,
I too gave my husband yet another chance. I’d been working all year towards leaving, but started feeling guilty because he was being nice. I felt like I was being sneaky and devious like him. I didn’t like it. I came clean and told him I wasn’t happy and if he didn’t change I’d leave. I never really expected him to change, I just needed to be honest. Thankfully he’s still being nice, no idea what he’s plotting behind my back, but it’s giving me time to sort myself out.
Don’t let him get into your head and blame yourself. None of this is your fault . I sympathise if you still love him, you said you feel heartbroken, that’s hard. I’ve been there. But what you have to realise is that you need mutual love, respect and honesty for a relationship to work and be happy. He doesn’t if he’s assaulted you. You’re probably still holding on to the illusion he built to draw you in. Don’t look back, have no regrets. They never really change, just get better and better at lying. Good luck

[ConfusedAgain]

Why are people so cruel ive been in an abusive relationship before, I have no patience with my child at the moment I feel.like and evil witch mother, I am just so tired and had enough I wish I.was never born. I always have to deal with hurt feel like a failure no one else in mycircle I.e familt or friends have to deal with this im just tired of life

[Freedomfighter]

So sorry to hear that Confusedagain, we all have times like that. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this for the second time. I expect that doesn’t help. I’ve been married for a very long time and have tried to leave before, but got sucked back in.
There’s been several times when I’ve felt too exhausted to keep fighting, too depressed to face another day. It’s really rough and my heart goes out to you.
Try phoning the helpline for a chat, those ladies are wonderful for making me look at things differently.
Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel?
When I was in a similar place to you I prayed for guidance and strength to keep going. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I didn’t have a good counsellor I connected with the first time, but on about the 4th time I had a brilliant one. She gave me all sorts of tips on how to change my way of thinking. One task was to write down 3 things at the end of each day that were good. It can be something you do, something which happens, anything really. On a bad day it might be that I didn’t cry, got one or more chores done (even if that was I got out of bed and had a cup of coffee) or that I remembered to take my tablets. Then you have to set 3 achievable tasks for the next day. The idea is that you change your thought patterns slowly from negative to positive ones. I struggled to do it at first and really just couldn’t be bothered. But I did it anyway because she asked me to. It started off as a difficult chore, but after a while I found it really did make a difference and I started feeling quite proud of myself and more positive. Daft to some maybe because half, well most in the beginning were every day, normal things people take for granted. Getting up, having a wash and getting dressed is no big deal…. unless you have ever felt so low you just want to curl up and die. For me it was a really big deal at the time. I also had to set myself long term goals. There was the one for the next day, but also next week and next month. I couldn’t think about the future because it seemed so bleak and hopeless. Eventually I had to set goals for next year and 5 years time. Slowly as she helped me through my crisis stage I started to gain a little confidence and hope for the future. Be gentle and kind now, but try and get help to guide you through this bad patch. It’s so much easier with good help. I’d not professional help then a good friend or family member you trust and can talk to. There’s loads of good self help books, sites online YouTube and others. Keep reaching out, there’s always a light at the end of these dark tunnels, it’s just sometimes there’s a bend in the tunnel and we can’t see the light. Things always seem worse when we can’t see. Hugs, hope things get better with your child too, if they’re old enough you could try talking to them, maybe you could help each other. Make comprises and deals to help one another. That’s what I did with my boys. It didn’t always work, but quite often it did to some extent and made life a little easier. Good luck, keep posting and try the helplines.

[KIP.]

I gave my ex dozens of chances and each time the abuse got worse. They never ever change. They suck the life and soul from you and leave nothing but a shell. While they thrive on the power it gives them. My advice is to tell the police everything now. Leave nothing out. Get the protection offered. Go total no contact and keep an drug addict abusive man away from your child. I wish I had done this but I had no idea about domestic abuse. I’ve educated my self and you’ve had a luck escape. It may not feel like it just now but I promise without him you have the chance to thrive and love and live life to the fullest x speak up. Abusers thrive on silence. Contact your local women’s aid too x

[Author]

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