I have just left what i think is an abusive relationship?

[Sparkster]

Hi All,

I have been struggling for some time to figure out if what i am experiencing is really abuse? I have been with my boyfriend an average amount of years nothing super long we don’t have children and we aren’t married. He has always been this way since i met him but his behaviour and agression towards me has amplified. He hasn’t worked the whole time i’ve known him, he lives in my house which i own, he has done nothing but destroy it, he has cut him self several times and blames it on me or threatens to kill himself every couple of months. I can’t say anything to him in case he snaps he calls me the most evil names and constantly calls me fat as i have had weight issues but due to my unhappiness these last few months i have dramatically shed weight and am now a size (Detail removed by Moderator). I have been planning this for a few months just waiting for the right time, i had to drop him off (Detail removed by Moderator) and he can’t drive luckily its a good few miles (Detail removed by Moderator) from me. I then catalysed an argument just so i could end it without him coming back, i exploded and said vicious things to him things i knew i could of never of said if he was physically with me. I work full time and have a good job i still cant afford to pay my bills so i asked him to take out a loan or to lend the money off his family for the bill which was his but of course everything is in my name as he didnt want any bills in his name but all i got was a no and got blocked and he stopped looking for jobs straight away, even though his dad had money he could of used that he was saving up (Detail removed by Moderator), but my ex would have rather my bills bounced. I have been taking loans out to cover the bills I am in debt up to my eyeballs and have done some things to get money I am not proud of which he doesn’t know about but i was going to lose my house and i just felt like killing myself and spiralled into a put of depression. He had me off work for (Detail removed by Moderator) i was a depressive mess, he constantly tells me i am cheating on him, if i said the sky was blue he would snap and scream its red for example. He has tried forcing me out of my own house, and pinned me down on the bed screaming at me, he has stood in front of my car last time i tried breaking up with him kicked it and screamed at me because i wouldnt accept his apology or take him back. His family are horrible i have spent so much on them and they have seen him chase me around his dads house his sister had to drag him off me and take me to her house because he was going crazy trying to get at me yet now theyve turned it around saying theres two sides to every story, when his own mum text me when i asked for support from her, she said (Detail removed by Moderator) I went away for work for (Detail removed by Moderator) still in the same country phoned him three or four times a night, the day i was leaving i called him (Detail removed by Moderator) times as i wasn’t due back till late, i had a drink waiting for the train with my colleagues and said i will call you when i’m on the train (Detail removed by Moderator). He flipped and ripped up all the expensive clothes i bought him and started cutting himself and telling me don’t you understand i love you!!! I just want to talk to you !!!! Why do you make me this way!!! When he hurts me he tells me it’s because i’m being cocky and that i won’t shut my mouth. But he loves me and won’t do it again. So now i have been away from him for (Detail removed by Moderator) days he will not leave me or my family alone. I have some of his clothes (whats left of them) i delibrately said i was going to sell them and get some money back but i’m not i have them all bagged up ready to go but i can’t get them to him neither can my family because he will just run out at the car with a a knife and either try cutting himself or will smash up the car, i have previously calle the police only once on him when he was trying to drag me out my car and infront of my car slitting his arms open and screaming he was going to kill me, his dad tried dragging him off me but he isn’t well but when the police came he said we were both as bad as each other. I am so embarrassed and ashamed and it wasn’t till i read this forum i thought i had support and i wish to god i had found you ladies sooner.

He does have diagnosed anger, anxiety and OCD really bad. I have try to set him up on anti depressants and also cbt therapy.

The police are coming to interview me tonight and hopefully they will take his clothes. I don’t want to get him in trouble i just want him to recieve a friendly warning from the police to leave me alone and to get his stuff back, theres no other reason then for him to try and contact me. I have blocked him and all his family off everything and now so has my family and i know he is scared of the police. But i am scared it will escalate the situation further because he is blackmailing my family.

I feel sick at the thought he even squared up to my mum who is only tiny and works her arse off to help us out all because he wouldn’t go to work. I even had a part time job and he rang my manager up screaming and shouting at her and sent me pictures of him cutting himself because i didnt respond to his text after (Detail removed by Moderator) i subsequently couldnt work there anymore he made it too difficult and i was so embarrassed.

I have given him everything spent thousands on him buying him his first passport and holiday, clothes, games whatever he wanted. He never even bought me a birthday present. I loved him unconditonally and i still love and care for him really badly but this time i have made a serious break and he knows it i know i can’t live this way, i am terrified of being ten minutes late home if i mention a male colleagues name he will flip and say i am having an affair. If i didn’t have sex with him i was obviously cheating on him according to him, i can’t stand his touch he won’t have a shower or a bath more than once a week! He would give me the silent treatment all the time if i didn’t sleep with him.

So much more has happened but i can’t write it all down i just wanted you to get a good idea of the situation and to know for definite if i am being abused or if i am being over dramatic, and is it the right thing to do phoning the police to collect his stuff and have an interview with me? I just want him to leave me alone and its killing me because i love him but i know he can’t love me, i have gotten him tons of jobs hes not stuck at one for more than a day and left me (Detail removed by Moderator) ago will all the bills and i had to take out another loan.

I just don’t know what to do i am so ashamed i let things get like this i couldnt see the wood for the trees and certainly didn’t realise what was happening wasn’t normal for a long while i thought it was normal. As my dad was an alcoholic and i witnessed my mum abused and we had to sleep in cars etc and to me what my ex was doing i don’t know…maybe i was just desperate and lonely.

I think making the break is partly due to my new work and weight loss and i feel so much more confident in myself without his constant evil twisting words and lies, he told my mum yesterday its all in my head and he has never abused me, even though my mum has witnessed it when we once tried getting him out of my house, but i never ever apart from once phoned the police on him.

Im just scared the police won’t beleive me and i am thinking of cancelling the interview i am absolutely terrified i just want to be left alone, but without the police how can i get his clothes back to him, i wouldn’t put my family in that danger either.

Thanks ladies for listening i know it’s so very long and to any replies thank you in advance x*x

[Poodlepower]

It sounds very abusive to me, but even if it wasn’t you’re not happy with him and you have no obligation to stay with him.
I know you feel that you do-My story had many similarities to yours and I felt I had to protect and take care of him. But he was a grown man and his own responsibility. Plus he was so mentally ill literally nothing I could do would have helped him.
I reported mine to the police and they were very good at keeping me safe. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it may be your safest option.

Very best wishes xx

[Author]

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