I have to communicate with him… but how?

[Lottieblue]

I can’t believe I am actually writing on this board. I am out. I did it. But I need help. Advice.

So… I left him. I didn’t see him at the time and I have neither seen nor communicated with him since. Textbook no contact. Big tick. However, he is gutted and confused (yes, extraordinary, no dots joined between his behaviour and the consequences) and no-one understands why his wife would just up and leave with no explanation, least of all him. He has given me space (on the advice of a professional) and asked me to talk to him when I’m ready. My young adult kids are now telling me I need to talk to him, tell him what has happened.

The problem is, I really don’t know what to say. I have just tried to jot down some bullet points but I can’t whittle them down or come up with a synopsis. Of course the most important thing is not to engage, so I don’t want to create a discussion of any sort. I want to be firm and final. But I just don’t know a) what to say or b) how on earth to figure out what to say.

Anyone got any thoughts? X

[KIP.]

You absolutely say nothing. He is very aware of all the abuse, all the pain he’s caused and the consequences to you. He will be manipulating your children into pressuring you into contact. Any contact with him is toxic and will be a huge backwards step. He will twist and spin anything you say. Have the confidence in yourself and your decision to close the door completely on contact. It’s setting an example and setting your boundaries now. You dint owe him an explanation. He doesn’t want an explanation. He wants contact because he thrives on it. Like a parasite. So my thoughts and experience are use a third party for all contact. Make sure everyone knows from day one that direct contact will not happen. Not now not ever. Your children need to know that it’s okay, in fact it’s the correct thing to do to cut an abuser from your life. There may come a day when his abuse transfers to them, if it hasn’t already and they need to know that zero contact is a very real option. I know how tempting it is to write it all down and try to explain but really he already knows the harm he’s done because it was done deliberately. Write that letter, write all the harm he’s cause but don’t send it. Set it alight and give yourself peace. Do not give him any chance to play mind games with you or anyone else and that’s what happens with contact. Leaving an abuser is like he walked our the door and disappeared. Never to be seen again. That’s the mind set you need to survive this x well done for getting out. Let the healing begin. You don’t owe anyone an explanation x

[Imagine]

Hi Lottie blue saw this post about you having left and wanted to say very well done! It’s so hard but you’ve done it. I agree with what Kip has said. Give yourself some space to start to heal, you’ve proved how strong you really are (although I know that it doesn’t always feel that way) xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Well done Lottieblue for getting out 👍
Leaving him is being firm and final right there. Actions speak louder than words.
Let leaving be your final word 💪

What you are reading as his confusion is really anger and frustration towards your decision to leaving him, indicating an entitlement complex.
Healthy people may respond with disappointment but will be respecting your decision to end the relationship.
Please don’t mistake his (or anyones!) attempts at guilt-tripping or obligating you into providing an explanation as demonstration of disappointment for a failed marriage. It is not. Guilt-tripping or obligating you into justifying your decision falls right under an abusers favourite toolkit of abuse; Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse. All designed to CONTROL you and the situation.

He lost. He won’t accept it. He will try to guilt-trip you. That won’t work, so be ready for more aggression i.e. harassment. Call the police for protection at the first sign.

Also please make sure you’re keeping safe online, change all your account logins and security phrases to something he won’t be able to hack.

You rule girl, well done for getting out, now stay out, hold your grounds and also be very kind to yourself! 😘💪🌸
Keep posting

[Lifebegins]

Hi Lottieblue,

I am so pleased for you that you’ve got out. Well done, it’s a very hard thing to do.

I have to agree with the other posts, do not engage or contact. He’s really not going to listen or understand or accept that he’s done anything wrong, it will just be an opportunity to hoover you back in. I’ve gone no contact for quite a while now and it’s the best thing I could’ve done to finally end it.

For a while I wanted to make him see what he’d done was wrong and to let others know what he’s really like but I didn’t break no contact and I’m glad now I didn’t as it would’ve been a waste of time. My child is now accepting that I won’t communicate with my ex except through a 3rd party. This is due to his unacceptable behaviour which I’m no longer going to subject myself too. Enough said. You don’t have to explain any further to anyone. He knows what he’s done and you owe him nothing. Now is the time to focus on your needs not his. It will get easier so don’t get sucked back in.

Stay strong Lottieblue 💪❤️Xx

[Lisa]

Hi Lottieblue,

Just to add that I am so pleased to hear you have left, well done!

Keep posting to us when you need to, we’ll always be here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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