I just don't know…

[PurpleHedgehog]

I don’t know what I am looking for really but I have tried to write this several times and in doing so I think I answered my own question but..

Here goes. I have been with my husband nearly (detail removed by moderator). We have kids. Things seem pretty good from the outside. But I am starting to question more and more.

Right at the start there was a red flag but I rationalized it. A few months in I went out with girls from work for a (detail removed by moderator) – it was drinking and dancing. He rang me so many times I left in tears and came home to him after 90 mins. We were newly in our relationship and I knew both his (detail removed by moderator) had cheated so I understood it.

Fast forward. We spent every minute together. We got married. Had kids. I swapped to one day a week working and stayed home looking after the little ones. He would call several times a day but I figured he missed us.

All days off and holidays were picked by him. But he worked and I spent my money on the child minder so it was ok.

I asked for housekeeping. It was easier for him to buy the shopping because he drove.

If I tried to discuss problems it would flare into an argument and he would say I twisted everything so yes it was all his fault. And then go silent. Sometimes for days. But then he would say come here and hold me and apologise. Buy a nice meal and it was fixed. Except it wasn’t

Final child started school. I couldn’t find a job to fit school hours so started my own business. I funded everything. He was supportive. When I struggled he would tell me not to give up.

He would surprise me with gifts. Life got complicated with his parent being ill, (detail removed by moderator). They passed. We all renovated the property. I encouraged him to buy things he wanted with the money. (detail removed by moderator). I loved it. I lost weight and started to get my confidence back. I talked about returning to work. He encouraged me to stay. I still had to ask him for money for everything. He started to withdraw from our sex life. I wanted to help. Encouraging him to get a health MOT etc. It would change for a bit. Then back to nothing. I found he was happy with porn. I told him it upset me. He promised to stop. 3 times now I have caught him out having used it for extended periods. He is doing it again but thinks he is hiding it better… I can’t be bothered to argue.

He muddled us with money again and again and I asked for a calendar of payment dates etc to help share the burden. He won’t. He dodges it. Says it is his job as the man. My job is house and kids. He has never cleaned the bathroom in our married life…

I had to go back to work after we nearly lost our house. I work opposite hours to him to ease childcare etc. He has made lots of noise about the kids helping. He cooks a couple of times a week but still al cleaning etc is on me and the kids.

I got lots of messages about how the kids were missing out because I was working and how I should be at home because he misses me. The calls are still a minimum of 5 a day.

He is silent and withdrawn a lot. I noticed it was me running to him to ask what is wrong. Me asking for a goodnight kiss. So last night I didn’t. He turned his back on me. This morning he left without speaking.

I think I know the answer to is it abuse is yes but I can’t equate that to the guy watching the tv or sharing dinner with our family.

What do I do? Therapy for me to help me see clearly? Couples therapy to help him see it isn’t equal? What? Even the kids are noticing he is crabby now. They ask to do stuff without him and just with me as he grumps. They are also starting to copy some of his least desirable traits (making jokes about mummy going mad and it was here all along etc or going silent when trying to resolve issues)

Help I guess? Thank you all xx

P.s just to add I have ordered living with the denominator and why does he do that as they seem to crop up a lot on here and I figured reading is a good start…

[diymum@1]

Have you looked up ownership in relationships ? xx he sounds passive aggressive as he dosent do any thing physical but this doesn’t mean he dosent have an abusive mentality. He sees himself as more important than you and the kids you’ll read about this in why does he do that. He is the important one if his many needs aren’t met then he will punish you – so silent treatment being grumpy xx you could try the grey rock method with him? Make sure the kids know what they are saying is disrespectful and that you won’t tolerate it. I know you’ll fear the consequences off doing this but you have to as this is how kids can see mum as very small too. You don’t want that it happened to me – it’s not worth the hurt. You need to dig deep are you happy ? If the answer is no or ur not sure I’d call wa to get some advice xx can you go on like this ? Xx

[Overcome]

This could be me writing this! That was exactly how things started with me. Until eventually I depended on him for everything, I wasn’t allowed to eat what I wanted, do what I wanted, I was told how to raise my children. My whole day was accountable, I did everything around the house, even the DIY and gardening! I had to keep receipts for everything I spent money on and if he wasn’t happy with what i’d spent money on I was in for it. He worked away a lot and I would dread him coming home because id get grief and silent treatment. He was never happy with me.

He had issues with porn and cheating too.

Things changed when I started at a (detail removed by moderator) that he was pushing me to go to, I gained a bit of self respect and saw how nice everyone was to each other. He couldn’t afford to be the sole breadwinner anymore so I had to go back to work, I gained independence and started to realise that the way our relationship was, was wrong. I hadn’t realised how cut off I was from friends and family!

I went back to school and at the very first lecture we were told that 70% of relationships don’t make it to the end of the course because it enlightens us to what is normal…

I started to stand up to him, I have left a couple of times and always gone back. It slowly gets worse and worse every time to the point now where I don’t recognise the man he is. There is no goodness left in him (or maybe there is no more smoke and mirrors and I am seeing him clearly).

I think you know that this isn’t how things should be – you wouldn’t be on here for a start if you were in a happy relationship. I am afraid to say I believe that things will only get worse for you if you stay, even if you be a good girl and do as he says, it is never enough and the goal posts will move.

Keep posting on here, I find it helps me so much, especially when i’m having a bad day.

With love,

Overcome x

[PurpleHedgehog]

Thank you ladies. I will continue to try to educate myself I think. Even close friends have remarked that the effort seems one sided.

I am lucky in that I have a couple of special people who are prepared to help me vent.

He sulked all of last night and refused to eat (a tactic he knows used to upset me as I worried uf he didn’t due to health implications). I ignored it and waited for him to speak.

Needless to say he is still silent.

The children expressed relief when he left for work. I think I have my answers. Now it is a new journey.

DIY mum- you are right he does see himself as more important. We have had a few logistical issues recently regarding kids and it is never down to him to sort or converse.

Overcome – yes I do correct the children. They actually see and remark on his negative behaviours so if they copy I try to calmly point out it makes people sad or angry if they do x, y or z. I try not to say “it’s what dad does” but the middle one often points it out. I simply reply but that doesn’t make it right to upset people does it? …

Thank you ladies. I think this is going to be a long path and not one I ever saw myself walking but now the blinkers are starting to slide I see there is a whole other world out there!

Stay safe, much love.

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hi Ladies.

So a few days in to trying to come to terms with the fact that my husbands behaviour is abusive.

For most of my life I have been with him and now I am starting to see that it is not normal to have to ask for money (which I had to do right up until I started work at the end of last year).

That it is ordinary for partners to share (albeit possibly unevenly) household chores – he maybe vacuums one room about every 6 weeks- not to have to specify when they are going out and where to.

I haven’t raised these issues as yet with him because he has been refusing to speak to me because I dared to be cross after a week of him not talking and there being a problem.

He is now stating that I only ever have a go.

I tried to explain that I needed his help more atm because I have had an issue which has triggered PTSD. He has accused me of having an affair because I have been actively engaged with a friend who has PTSD and identified that I needed medical intervention. Apparently he would have been more supportive if I would give him details of precisely what occurred (childhood sexual assault) to allow him to support me. I told him I can’t vocalise it easily. I panic and feel the trauma all over again when discussing it. I am awaiting treatment for this. But apparently this makes it my fault that he gets angry.

All of this makes it clear to me we need help. I asked him to book counselling. Am I flogging a dead horse? Or is it possible to get him to see I need more help and support?

Any feedback greatly appreciated. We have had some magical moments in the past but I can’t get past the feeling that we have grown distant and that it is my fault…

All the best xx

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