I just wrote down what happend

[ShadowAnon]

I’m embarrassed I never thought it would happen to me it was so subtle and built up over time that I became accustomed to it.
It’s hard to process but I was in an abusive relationship, not black eyes or broken bones, but emotionally manlipution with a degree of physical violence.
I wasn’t aware of it till looking back with not emotions attached to my abuser, who still watches me now as I right this. I made excuses for him when he chased me around the room after not giving him my phone and him pinning me to the floor by my neck not choking me but the threat was there, I knew deep down it was wrong I know now that if we did move out together it wouldn’t be a threat anymore it would be reality. I knew it was wrong when he picked me up and threw me into the (detail removed by moderator) because I was getting on his nerves when building a (detail removed by moderator), just after him picking up the hammer and smashing the wall claiming it to be my fault, but I was to scared to leave I doubter myself everything that I was, was for him I had lost myself and was afraid, afraid of what he could do, afraid of what would happen to me, my self worth was below 0.

It happened slowly over (detail removed by moderator) starting of without bouts of anger shouting non my face when I stepped out of line, but quickly apologising, the apologising soon stopped and it was an endless cycle. I felt like I was wrong anytime I said what I wanted I was met with screaming and dread. I lost every ounce of who I was, unable to talk to anyone and not understanding what was the problem little did I know until now that, that was what ‘walking on eggshells’ felt like subconsciously not saying a word in fear of upsetting him I wasn’t a person I was an extension of him, his arm candy.

Looking back at past messages I realise how obvious it was, he never apologised until I asked him too or I found myself apologising for his behaviour because I deserved it I ‘annoyed’ him, I didn’t realise the pet names well subtle insults and his jokes were digs hidden behind laughs, but I wasn’t laughing on the inside it hurt. Over time I’ve realised more, him talking about touching me in my sleep and it seeing anything wrong with it shrugging it’s off with laughs. I was young and stupid but I’m stronger now.

I’m coming to terms with everything now I’m still scared but I will be okay, I realise I never loved him I cared about him but it wasn’t love i realise that now and I owe it to myself.

I’ve moved foward but Part of me is still scared though scared of what he is capable off, I remember him joking about ordering guns off the dark web and I dark thought of being hurt lingers in my mind, I remember when I upset him once and he told me he would murder me in a rage, part of me believes that. But i will do what I can to remain safe and heal from the abuse I suffered.

I’ve met someone amazing and words can’t explain just how different it all is with him it’s real with him, I’ve rediscovered who I am and I’m in a good place.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum, aye, it’s not till we write it down that we’re like oh my word, he did that and I excused it. Yes it happens so very subtly, I can’t believe someone else was treated the same as me when it came to DIY. Couldn’t understand how I messed up everytime yet when I’d helped anyone else I wasn’t treated like that. So thank you for sharing that. I ended up refusing to help him in later years, therefore nothing got repaired or redecorated. He too has a very dark side, would joke about killing me. Ive come to realise that these men share verra similar traits.
You are a very strong beautiful woman and I’m very happy that you’ve been able to find someone else. I was with my oh for over (detail removed by moderator). I’ll never be involved with a man ever again, don’t trust them at all now. I’m over (detail removed by moderator) now, I’m really looking forward to living on my own, doing things just for me. So again thank you for your positive post, and you are so right you will heal and you will keep yourself safe.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

 

 

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