I know it’s the right thing but need support

[Exhaustedwife]

Hi,
So I don’t ever join forums or post but I don’t know where else to turn

I have been with my DH for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) yeard and we have two kids together. (detail removed by Moderator) We have been together since I was (detail removed by Moderator). We come from very different backgrounds but we’re very much in love and appeared we wanted the same things. I’ve always struggled with my mental health which he has known from the start. I got pregnant within the (detail removed by Moderator) and suddenly was in a very different world to what I had known. I’ve grown up in a reasonably stable household from the outside, but in reality lived with a very clever, intelligent, emotionally and verbally abusive, cheating father who my mother (detail removed by Moderator) before I met my now DH. I have done nothing but love this man and try to do everything to be a good mum and good partner. I’ve worked full time as (detail removed by Moderator), ran out home, always been faithful, and he has always worked and been a good dad.

The sad truth I now know is the abuse started almost at the beginning with over the top emotions. He was jealous but would use my insecurities as a young new mum as justification. Within a couple of years his anger issues became apparent and he would anger easily, shout, punched a few walls, would go out to football and nights out several times a week and said that hed always told me he wasnt going to stop any of the football. I had police called by a neighbour due to then hearing the carnage and he’s been smashing up the house with a (detail removed by Moderator)
….in hindsight I know I should have called it all a day then but I was (detail removed by Moderator) in a whole new world, in love with someone who I believed just was damaged and young himself and not knowing better. He seemed to settle down and we made another go of it. He’s always wanted to know where I am and who I’m with, but I felt the same, the difference is id update him or let him know things and I never got the same back. Over the years we settled into the toxic pattern of him working and then doing all his activities whenever he pleased, not helping around the house but he stuck around, paid the bills and did love the kids so surely it wasn’t all that bad?! That’s what I told myself. Fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, things are in a good happy place for us and we finally get married. Naively I thought we’d grown up and this was the start of our happy ever after. Boy I was wrong …mge became more distant, angry, entitled …fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) is seriously ill and dying (she was like my mum) and he decides now is the time to be the most horrible hes ever been, it gets to a stage where in a row where hes leaving me he tells me he cheated on me twice (detail removed by Moderator) years into our relationship ..his reason for telling me then was apparently so i wouldnt feel so awful about how id ruined us as hed made a mistake too!!!! We have a whole load of major family problems over next few months, and I lost my (detail removed by Moderator). Eventually I had a full on breakdown and he actually rowed with me, hit me, and left me. I took myself to a and e because I knew it was serious and I was nearly sectioned, instead released into my mums care under crisis visits daily. He said this was all attention seeking but after a few days and conversations with my mum he came home apologetic and with all the right words wanting to make things right and support me through things. I stupidly agreed.

Fast forward to today. (detail removed by Moderator) years of being screamed at, called disgusting names, told how pathetic and ridiculous I am, taking away my phone and keys at times. Winding me to points of full breakdown and then getting help involved to point out how bad I was. Questioning my parenting due to my mental health. Controls finances (I no longer work due to my mental health), makes it hard for me to see people. Constantly walking on egg shells. Then (detail removed by Moderator) he’s upped it even more to physical violence. He has broken my nose, blacked my eyes several times, split my lip, split my eyebrow, grabs hold of my face so tight I have handprint bruises, grabs me and throws me around, has punched me in the head more times than I can remember, leaves bruises all over my arms and legs, has held a knife to me, throws things at me, fills up cups of water and throws them at me when he doesn’t want me saying certain things, has smashed up my phone, my makeup, let the tires down on my car so I can’t leave the house…I’m threatened to shut my f*****g mouth, he will knock my teeth out, smash my face in, etc…..never once has he said sorry and when questioned on that he says because hes not, why did he do it? What did I do to make him? For some stupid reason I end up feeling guilty and like it’s my fault and end up in a numb cycle of not challenging anymore and just trying not to rock the boat. We do have good days in between but I’ve realized the good times are really just times where his needs are being met and he isn’t challenged! He left me in (detail removed by Moderator) but then because we both have a name on the tenancy he has been in and out and controlling everything since then. He has gone to (detail removed by Moderator) and saying to me that if I want us to work I need to see my behavior and show him I live him because he doesn’t feel it…..the truth is thats because i dont anymore. I am so tired. So so exhausted. So hurt. And me and the children are happier when he isn’t here. I have finally gone to a local council to help with me and the children moving, but in the meantime in still stuck in this numb eggshell limbo, with him trying to convince me and guilt me. I know it’s not me. I know I don’t deserve this. So why can’t I help but feel sorry for him?! I am determined this time I’m not giving in, I know the cycle and I don’t recognize this man anymore. I’m just holding out for my own place and new start, but God I don’t know how to cope whilst I’m waiting.

I’m so sorry for the huge message. I just started writing and it stared coming out. The depressing thing is this is only the tip of the iceberg 😞

[minimeerkat]

just wanted to say hello & tell you how brave you are wanting to try & put an end to your nightmare. you have come to the right place for support, as many will understand what you have been through & will also know exactly how you are feeling as you contemplate coping for the time being.
as you have sadly come to realize, the more committed you become to this person (living together, marriage, children) the worse it gets – it was only natural that you thought certain things would help improve the relationship & his behaviour towards you. they, on the other hand just see you being more & more tied to them & therefore believing you will have great difficulty ever leaving them.
no wonder you feel exhausted, numb, hurt & as if you do not love your partner anymore. dealing with the amount of abuse you have was definitely going to affect you physically & mentally.
i know what its like to have mental health issues & feel as if you dont deserve a lot – feeling as if you are somehow flawed because of this, so you are grateful for a partner even ‘tolerating’ this. but we are good, kind, honest, decent, faithful, loyal, loving human beings who do not deserve to be abused – ever. but unfortunately abusive people will take complete advantage of us.
you have spoken about making plans for council housing, so have you been in touch with your local domestic abuse service? because it can make such a difference having their support, especially when it comes to any symptoms of being trauma bonded to your partner.
and there is also live chat on this site or email whilst you await any response from your local service, or to use in between. i dont know if you would also consider any counselling for added support – your local service could suggest certain counsellers & many charge very little depending upon your income.
hopefully it has helped you already by writing it down & reaching out to others. post on this forum as much as you need as you will find plenty of support & kindness. stay as strong as you possibly can x

[Exhaustedwife]

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s mad me emotional to read because it all hits home so much and I really appreciate your support so thank you! I haven’t gone to my local domestic abuse team because I’m too scared to rock the boat and for some reason feel guilty knowing that his life will be tainted. I feel guilty on my children for doing that to their dad. I don’t know why I know he deserves it and I would say the same to anyone else but I just feel sick scared at that step! I do know I need to at least get myself the right support so I will give them a call on Monday. I’m just praying he stays away for a few days to give me the chance to make those steps. When he is around I can’t breathe without him noticing x

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart, to have been so controlled & therefore feeling incredibly guilty & scared.
only do whatever you feel comfortable with & in your own time – and more importantly keeping yourself safe.
and please do not worry about your local service at all, because they wont pressure you into doing anything at all, & they certainly do not tell you what you should or shouldnt be doing. they are just there to listen to & support you – which is something that could really really help you right now. sending you a hug x

[Ideservetofeelhappy]

<p class=”ltr-element” data-indentation=”1″ data-pm-slice=”1 1 []”>I am so sorry to read your post – it is very relatable to me as have experienced physical abuse when I was a teenager/young woman; it is not acceptable and no one should have to put up with that. I am married and have two children. Been with my husband since (detail removed by Moderator) and married since (detail removed by Moderator) – have tried numerous times to sort things and have done all the counselling etc, but he has been abusing me emotionally for a long time. My self esteem has been knocked and all I ever wanted was some appreciation – he belittles me daily and gaslights me. All in front of the children, usually (as he knows I will not respond as trying to protect them). I work (detail removed by Moderator) days a week and do all the cleaning, shopping and cooking. He is very much like a boy and just does his sports and goes to work. We tried to make things work but (detail removed by Moderator), he said it is over again. I have to accept it is over, but I find it hard as I don’t want to turn the children’s lives upside down. My parents are happily married and my morals and view of marriage is that you support each other through thick and thin. What is relatable in your post, is we used to be so good! The pain is unbearable to think it is over, even though he controls everything and talks to me like dirt. Many times he has gone through my phone (used my finger print to get in phone) read my song lyrics, stopped me from playing my guitar, said all I contribute to the family is cooking (even though I do everything else and have worked part time to care for the children).  We almost got a divorce (detail removed by Moderator) but made one last go. I feel like I have to go through all of this again and need to break this cycle as he will ruin my life.</p>
<p class=”ltr-element” data-indentation=”1″ data-pm-slice=”1 1 []”>I think self care is so important (I am reading the Tina Turner book) so am going to read some of that after doing the chores etc. I can relate to what you have said; my mind struggles to switch off. I am trying to meditate every day to help stay in the moment.</p>
<p class=”ltr-element” data-indentation=”1″>I work in (detail removed by Moderator) and don’t get paid for (detail removed by Moderator). My husband has refused to give me any money to pay my direct debits. My Mum has leant me some to pay for things like school clubs and food etc. So on top of all of this, money worries sneak in and make things worse.</p>
<p class=”ltr-element” data-indentation=”1″>Stay strong and know you are worthy of happiness. I do get the physical side of what you have written and it is awful and trauma is a real thing. It sound absolutely toxic and you are brave and strong to get out of this; I can see you want to feel happy but sounds like you need some support. I would suggest, take one day at a time and do what makes you feel happy. Could be just having a cuppa or watching something funny on the T.V. Motherland makes me laugh so much! I’m new to this forum. Had to call women’s aid this weekend as husband was shouting outside the house and made me feel so unsafe in my own home. So glad to be on here and see similar experiences. If someone makes you feel this bad, it is NOT right! The universe will help you and send you the right people, I think we need to believe in ourselves and put ourselves and our children at the top of the list. Love always prevails, remember that.</p>

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