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I know this may see Petty but I don’t know what to do.
My ex, whom I am no contact with, and has been told by my solicitor not to contact me, called me today (I did not answer) then he text me . He asked me to send one of his close family members a birthday card from my / our children.I have never had a great relationship with the said family member and neither have the children.
The thing is I was contemplating whether to send a card to her or not. But now I feel if I send one it will look like I did it because he said !!
I know he only used the birthday card as an excuse to get to me.
Confused again
Citrine
X*x
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Ah Citrine, not petty when attempting to get under our skin!
My initial reaction would be why cant he send tge b****y card – his relative, hia children (presumably). If I was of two minds whether to send in the 1st place, this would definitely make me dig my heels in not to!
Clearly an excuse (& a pretty pathetic ome at that!) to try & get you to break NC. Go with ur gut, try not to think what his thoughts might be – they are no longer your concern. Besides, no matter what you do will be twisted into some kind of justification in his mind.
Hugs x
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Thank you iwillbeok
You are right it is his pathetic attempt at breaking NC.
My gut is saying no don’t send one, for one because my children are saying NO they aren’t doing it and 2 I’m fed up with conforming and doing what I’m supposed to do.
My children currently don’t want to see and arent him so I guess it’s hard for him to send one on their behalf. Is it? Or I am over thinking??
He just irritates me grrrrr
X*x
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Looks like you’ve answered your own question, ‘I know he only used the birthday card as an excuse to get to me.’ I would write down what happened / make a record, the time he called round and what you did, screen shot the text and save. Maybe inform your solicitor? And / or you could call the police and ask them to go and have a word with him, ask him to stay away – there really is no circumstance where this is ok – this will also make a record for you / give you evidence / maybe help you to feel safer too?
If you and / or the children want to send a card send it anyway, regardless. Does he have no contact with the children? If he does have access I’m wondering why he hasn’t organised his own card with them when he had them? If he has no contact with them it really is up to you what you want to do hey. Sounds like you’re not that interested in maintaining a relationship with this family member and that’s ok isn’t it. It’s his responsibility to ensure his children maintain relationships with his family members and do this sort of thing with them; if he can’t because of an order or you’re in the process of getting an order, then you could, if you wanted to, however, if the children have no contact with him for their own protection, then as sad as it may seem, these are the sorts of things that are now lost to him and his family. Its not your responsibility, does it help to think about what you would do if you put him to one side? I suggest you do as you feel.
What I’m hearing is that he came round when he has been informed by the solicitor to stay away – this is breaking the boundary you have in place isn’t it and shows a lack of respect. This aspect concerns me the most.
If you decide against it, is it helpful to think its just a card, in the scheme of things it really ins’t that important, your safety is.
Decide what to do and then get on and do what you want to be doing instead – he’s taking up mental space in your mind, taking your time and energy. Good luck Citrine xx
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Yes it’s definitely a classic hoovering attempt to get you to break no contact. If you google ‘hoovering’ online in relationship to abusive relationships a big list of hoovering techniques comes up that abusers often try. I found it helpful when I first left to prepare myself because some of the techniques, like the one your ex tried, are very very sneaky and can catch you off guard.
Go with your gut, ignore, block, save any texts as evidence and don’t send the card. Expect further hoovering attempts and be ready for them. Keep going and stick to no contact 100%.
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