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Long story very short – several years ago after years of emotional abuse I left, I gave him another chance and moved back in after me wanting to believe he had changed, after much tooing and froing – Moved back in and yes he had vastly improved, however I don’t feel like I love him, or that I can be myself, my confidence was really low again, I felt suffocated, he did what he wanted when he wanted, amongst other little things – I left, last week, moved in with my parents, with our child and he has regular contact with him, I am a little down and out at the minute but I will get back on my feet…
However I feel so guilty, he is saying I used him etc etc and making out like Im crazy, god knows what people must think of me. I have hurt him again and for this I feel so bad, but I just need to do what is right for me. I feel soooo bad – is it maybe now hitting me, what ive done, im on my own, having to support our son, avoiding him and his family for the foreseeable, what must people think of me, what is he saying about me!
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Abusers use guilt all the time, I would say it is their number one favourite tool because as you are finding, it is incredibly effective!
You have to do what is right for you. You felt suffocated with him, unhappy and don’t love him and that is reason enough to leave. My ex tried to same thing to try to get me to get back together with him, used loads of guilt, saying he was heartbroken, told me I’d imagined his threats and made it out like the relationship problems were due to me but he ‘wanted to help me.’ I realsied he had guilt tripped me right from the first day we met and that’s how I got together with him, I felt so guilty all the time not giving him a chance.
Stick to your decision which sounds like the right one. With no contact/grey rock you will feel so much better. Allow child contact through a third party if you can so he can’t use it to continue to guilt-trip you and focus on doing what feels right for you, and block and ignore anyone who doesn’t support you.
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Thank you for your response. I’m dealing with how I feel on a day to day basis, I’m very up and down! I am however sorting things for myself and my son, having got a new car and hoping to get confirmation of a new property tomorrow! He has left me alone, however he said through the week that he wants to remain friends, wants to help me sort myself out – it was al very random. For now he is leaving me alone, let’s hope it continues x
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That is just hoovering, my ex said the same thing, that he ‘wanted to help me’ as he maintained I had a condition that made me imagine his abuse! It is best to go and stick to no contact with an abuser, it feels sad and is hard but unfortunately they cannot be trusted. It is great new about your car and new place, very big steps in the right direction.
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Hi Need Advice
The guilt trip thing is a major manipulation tool for the abuser. You have to think of yourself and your son and never forget what he has done to you. My partner uses guilt tripping all the time as a weapon to make me feel that I am a horrible selfish person and a lot of the time it works and I have to remind myself about everything he has put me through. Even tonight as I finally had the courage to say I do not wish for him to move in or get married he drove off in tears saying what a terrible person I am and that I have led him on for the number of years we have been together. I am hard and cold with no feelings. Havent heard from him since he left tonight as because he got hold of my phone the other day he deleted his own number from my phone so I am unable to contact him and partly I am glad as I know otherwise I would be phoning him constantly to be ignored (all part of his abuse). You are trying to make a new life for you and your child and that is a positive thing, Do not let him make you feel like a bad person. Its called survival. Best of luck to you.
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