I miss him so much

[colouringinfairy]

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) now since I last heard from him, since we last spoke. He never said goodbye in person. Didn’t pick up his stuff, didn’t give me back my keys. Just broke up with me after he assaulted me. The first month or so was the hardest most gut wrenching period of my life. But since then I have been mostly okay. (detail removed by moderator), but I’ve been good. Even going to the places we would always go together, making new memories with people I love.

But lately, it feels different. My best friend whom I live with has met someone (that I actually set her up with) and he is great, he is round a fair bit and she is happy and loved up. I feel jealousy. I am happy for her. Heck, I don’t even want a relationship, but I feel this pang of envy when I see how she feels about him. I want to feel that way about someone OTHER than my ex. But I can’t, I don’t. I haven’t for years and years, even when I lived in another country and we weren’t together.

A big sporting world cup starts soon and that’s another kicker – something we always used to watch together. I miss it. I miss him. I feel so lonely without him – he was my best friend and my soul mate. No one compares, even though he mentally and emotionally abused me for years until he finally assaulted me.

It’s so hard to talk about how I feel unless I’ve had a few to drink and my strong facade starts to slip away. But I know everyone on here will understand. There’s not much to this post other than that I love and miss my abuser, and I just needed to tell someone who would get it 🙁

[RavenPagan]

Hello Colouringinfairy

Your post made me feel really sad for you. I can totally empathise with what you are feeling.
Unfortunately true love and soulmates do not abuse us or hurt us.

I understand you missing him, the cycle of love bombing and then the abuse creates a trauma bond which is incredibly intoxicating. This emotional cycle can create very strong but destructive bonds.

I fell into this trap for a long time, I used to tell myself that most couples would be unable to endure the roller-coaster of our marriage and I chose to believe that this was because our love was real, our love was stronger and more authentic. It was not, it was abuse.

Please read up on traumatic bonding, as understanding how this works will help to break the spell.

I also recommend writing notes on all the abuse he has put you through. At one time I was unsure if I was actually in an abusive relationship and a friend told me to write a list of the horrible things he had done to me. Once I started writing I could not stop. I wrote 7 A4 pages in one sitting and his abuse included physical assault (punching, choking, trying to break my fingers etc), gas-lighting, isolation, lying, cheating, rape, violence towards my pets, and financial abuse….
And I had been convinced this was true love….

YouTube, Podcasts and reading have helped me get through all of this. The names I like best are Oprah Winfrey (Supersoul Conversations) Iyanla Vanzant, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton, Dr Michael Benard Beckwith, Dr Maya Angelou and Shahida Arabi. Ted Talks on YouTube cover all kinds of topics including abuse and are free to access.

You deserve real love. Real love is kind, real love is patient. Real love does not hurt us.

[colouringinfairy]

Thank you RavenPagan for sharing all of this material – I will certainly have a look into it, especially the podcasts. I love a podcast and need to branch out from just listening to true crime haha.

I’ve read up so much about trauma bonding since our split. I was in denial for years about the mental and emotional abuse – with everyone in my life pleading with me to let him go as they could see it – even the day he assaulted me, only hours before I was telling my father how he would never ever physically hurt me. And he did. All because I went out with work friends the night before and did not communicate with him enough.

I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through, it sounds utterly horrendous and you are so brave. I hope things have vastly improved for you.

I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling like this. I have been so strong. Recently I started seeing someone from work (I know, not great) who I have been friends with for quite a while. It was a very laid back, chilled relationship with someone I had become friends with and really enjoyed hanging out with. Then he got drunk one night and started verbally abusing me in front of our colleagues. Not shouting mind you, but pointing in my face, telling me to to shut the f**k up, called me stupid, then ended it with “yeah well you got your ex boyfriend arrested”. I quite liked him, and really enjoyed spending time with him. But I ended everything, even our friendship, after that. My ex was drunk when he assaulted me. I can no longer stand people whose character changes when they are drunk. I was so strong willed about cutting this guy out, and it shows just how much I have come to respect and love myself. But here I am missing someone who nearly destroyed me.

It’s sad, isn’t it? Because nothing helps. Even if he came to me now and held me, and told me he loved me, I would have to send him packing even if I didn’t want to. It’s such a hopeless feeling. I feel so lost 🙁

[Yellowflower]

Colouringfairy I really can relate to your post. I do have days when I miss him so much it physically hurts. But like you say you would have to send him packing if he came back. I keep telling myself what will have changed? Will he have truely accepted he was to blame? Will the abuse stop forever? Will he respect me now? Will the rages the Cristism stop? Can I finally stop living on egg shells? …. we all know deep down no. They are wired differently to us there’s no other way of explaining it. They are incapable of love… I was so upset recently thinking his with someone and they are having the best of him now like I did to begin with. But that’s the key isn’t it to begin with… no matter what anyone does for them they will always abuse them it’s who they are. You deserve so much better we all do. Love shouldn’t be painful it really shouldn’t. Keep going one step at a time. Big hugs xx

[colouringinfairy]

I’ve gone through all of those questions too Yellowflower. It’s been especially hard as this assault was the first physical attack so it would be easy for me to think that maybe he could change and it would never happen again…but even before I came on this forum I knew it would. My mother was horrifically abused by her first husband so I know the cycle, I know it never works, I know they never change or go back to who they were when we first met them. It breaks my heart. I just want to love and adore someone who treats me well and adores me 100% of the time not just when it suits them and I’m on my best behavior (in their eyes). I’ve had my chance but I always go back to him and leave behind the good ones. I feel I respect myself a lot more now, but still can’t help this void within me that he has left and nothing is filling. It’s beyond frustrating and I would give anything – literally ANYTHING – to not feel this way 🙁

[Yellowflower]

Someone on here said to me think about which parts of him your missing.. when I sat down and wrote it out I was missing family things, going out together, the laughs, the affection, the snuggling up to watch a film. But they were all things he showed me very rarely and on his terms when he felt I was ‘being good’. You can all those moments with someone new but this time like you say with someone who adores you. I really do believe things happen for a reason as c****y as that is.. you will find that one day with someone else and someone who truely loves you because that isn’t love x*x

[colouringinfairy]

I know exactly what you mean. When I am missing him I think of every time he made me cry, how many times he made me have anxiety attacks, all the times he broke up with me. I can pin point multiple places on my commute where I have had to stop and frantically reply to him whilst I am absolutely beside myself, crying so much strangers offer me tissues, or comfort me on the bus after he has told me he will throw my valentines day present to him in the bin…so much more bad than good. I know this. I am not stupid, I think logically. But sometimes my heart overrules my brain and I am swamped with feelings of love and longing for him. It’s a torturous circle I go around and around in so often and I am so tired of it. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting trying to be strong, and loving someone I can never be with.

[Author]

Posts