I need help

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

I have typed out this message in my head so many times over the festive season. I dont know the words to say anymore.

For those of you who read my previous posts, I am so sorry that I never replied or posted and I want to thank all of you for your support and love.

My life is a mess and I dont know how to save myself. I dont know what I am so scared off and why I cant leave..I know I am a coward. I need to talk to someone and need support, but I feel trapped and cant help myself. I know I am the only one able to help me get out.

I did go through with the wedding, I am a coward, how could I go through with it if I know what I know. What is holding me back from leaving?

A lot has happened to me since the Wedding and I cant put all of it on here, but I do want to talk about something that happened to me just before Christmas, I need to get it off my chest and dont have someone in 3D that I can talk to.

We decided to go on Honeymoon over Christmas period as our Wedding was in (month removed by moderator)it would just be better to do it (detail removed by moderator). The entire Honeymoon was a war, he expected me to do everything, he was awful and mean and never showed me love. He fought over everything. a Few nights before Christmas, we went swimming late at night and a few stuff happened that led to a fight. He has been very aggressive before and he tried to kill me before, but I always knew that he wouldnt be able to do it. This night was different, he was different. We got into a fight and I got out of the pool, he pushed me back in and then pushed my head under water. I tried to fight him off, but I couldnt. He held me there until I got weak. He then let me go. When I tried to get away, he grabbed me and pushed me under again. This time when he let me go, I screamed for help, and he pushed me under again. He kept on saying that I didnt give him what he wanted so I didnt deserve to be alive. He did this a few times until I got so weak, I couldnt move. He then held me under water again and I really thought that my life will end right there in the swimming pool as he didnt let me go. But then (detail removed by moderator) people came running to the pool and he let me go. They asked him what was going on as they heard a woman scream and he played innocent and said that it wasnt me and we are married and just having some fun in the pool. I was too weak to talk or move. They believed him and walked away. Could they not see my face? Could they not see I was crying and in pain? Why did they believe him? I know it was dark, but surely they could see something was not right? Not that I blame them, if it wasnt for them, i probably wouldnt have been here today.

After they left, it was as if he realized what he did. He took me in his arms, said he was sorry and carried me home. When we got home, he switched again. He then started raping me and hitting me and he wouldnt stop. He said I deserved it. To this day, I still struggle with scars and infection caused by this.

The next morning he woke up, blamed me for everything and went on being his nasty old self. I had to pretend to be happy and okay as we were in another country and I couldnt come home for another (detail removed by moderator).

I never thought he would be able to kill me, thought he loved me too much, but that night was different.

Now we are back home and I feel stuck again. More afraid now than ever to leave. He never even apologized or felt bad about what happened and now I have to pretend everything is okay. I have night terrors every night where I wake up screaming and crying, the one night I even woke up while I was running away. It scares me to know I have to go to sleep. How do I get out, how do I carry on?

Sorry for the ramble and if it doesnt make sense, but this is the first time I am speaking of what happened and I just dont have the words to describe

[Indiamalachite]

Please call the helpline today and get some legal advice too if possible. I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. In my view it wont get better and attacking you and raping you is really serious. Nearly drowning you in public is really serious too and awful. It sounds so dangerous for you at the moment. I think you should try to leave asap if you can. Can you talk to a GP or someone? I am getting help from a sexual assault survivors charity now because of my ex raping me and they have been really nice and helpful.
You could have a look on here http://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
I think you are really brave and strong so far, try and get some really specific advice about your safety and how to leave and have a safe future. love to you xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Woman in Need,

I am so sorry that this terrible traumatic experience happened and is still happening to you. Please please get onto the womens aid helpline so they can advise you on how best to get out safely. From what you have wrote your life is in serious danger and this man is at serious risk of harming you or worse.

These things he has done are awful and you should not have to live like this. You deserve a life that is happy and safe. I know it is not easy and you must be so very scared but if you talk to the women at womens aid they can help you, or phone the police they have special domestic violence officers who can help you get out.

You are living a nightmare and that is why sleep has become so disturbed, I have awful nightmares too and it makes you not want to sleep so I do understand. I cannot begin to imagine the awful things you have been through but I know that you should not have to live like this and I wish that you could get some strength to reach out and get some advice from people who really know what they are talking about and who can help you. x

[Lisa]

Hi Womaninneed,

Thank you for your brave and honest post. I am so sorry to read about your situation, you have been through so much and it sounds so upsetting and truly terrifying. Please do try to phone the helpline when you next get a safe opportunity. They can help you to change your situation. You sound very much at risk, your husband is a dangerous man and he has already tried to kill you. You deserve to be happy and free and the helpline can help you achieve that. Please do phone them, they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you have to leave a message you can stress a safe time for them to try to call you back. Please also try to speak to your GP about the abuse you have experienced, you mention that you got an infection from the rape, perhaps you could go and see the GP about that and try to tell them everything… if you find it hard to talk you could always show them this post you have written. You have written it beautifully and clearly. If you wanted to, you could phone the Police and tell them everything, they would believe you and you are not to blame..

Please be careful, you are at risk. The helpline can help you with some safety planning and an escape plan.

We are all here for you. None of this is your fault and you do not deserve this. Please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Form Moderator

[Confused123]

Hi Lovely

Sending u massive hug, my heart goes out to u, no one deserveas to be treated like this, i know your feeling scared and trapped i was trapped in a very abusive marriage b4 , i know how hard we think it is to escape, please hun contact support agency in domestic violence and get support for yourself, they will give u all the support u need, if anythign go to your family and tell them the truth, im sure they will support u , i know a lot of ladies worry about what others will think when they leave an abuser but im telling u when these guys start threating to kill us and attempt it , we cant waste time hun, u have to reach out for help . Who ewver u feel u cna trust please reach out, even if u think u cant tell family tell a support worker , at times like this we become very drained, it was a support worker who encouraged me to leave as well as a friend, but for me personally speaking to some one who didnt know me which was the support worker was the one that said to me , you have to leave now or he will kill u. It sounds horrible to hear but these men have no renmorse, it is just fake tears, geet out and protect yourself without telling him, report him to police for what he did after too, first just get out yourself

[Ayanna]

You can still run away. Like before the marriage, you can pack a few things and run and never return. Nothing has changed.
I hope you run away soon. Your life is in danger. You deserve to live without fear and harm! Do not give up! xx.

[Confused123]

Hi Lovely

Have been thinking of u all eve, another suggestion for u , just book yourself in to refugee , just get out , u can do this , there is so much support, just take the first step , u can do this , dont beleive his words

[Confused123]

hi hun

Hope u r ok

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

Thank you for all the lovely posts and support, it means so much to me knowing someone cares.

I am fine for now. We got in another fight and he beat me up again. I am okay, just in a lot of pain.

This time I told him I am leaving him and that I am serious about it. He said it is okay, we should get everything sorted as he agrees with me, but I think he is not taking it seriously, probably think I am joking as after that, he came to me and said he was sorry and that he will change, that he is trying hard. For the sake of my safety, I am playing along, but I really do want to leave.

Just doing some research on what the best way would be. Hope to be out soon.

Thank you for everyone’s love and support

xox

[lilaclady]

Sending you lots of love and please keep posted on here we are all here for you! And please please ring the helpline and get some support. I do hope you get out soon and please stay safe! Women’s aid can totally help you with a safe way to leave x*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I just your recent post now, welldone for making that decision to leave him, def play along with him for your own safety, i would highly recommend that u disclose abuse to your family or a close friend and ask them to collect u, or even better meet them in a public place and dont go back home. Start collecing your important documents , dont worry abotu hings like clothes they can be replaced, but it is a good idea to have a emergency bag with essentials. If u can call a refugee they can normally get u in within 2 days, your scenario is high risk as he has treid to kill u so u may get even sooner , not sure if u work or not, but just call in sick with food posining and then u can work out what to say after . Been in a refugee he will not be allowed to come near u, he wont even know where u are and u will get support from a support worker. Beleive me hun taking that first step is the hardest right now but once u do it u will be safe and away from him and u will think clearer. U have to alert someone u r in danger, i could tellu to ntell police but u will prob be too sccared, but again this gives u time to pack your things while his arrested Please do not beleive him that he will change, this is part of their game as they can sense umay leave,. they are ok for a few weeks then they start again. Again this is to confuse us and make us emotionalloy unstable .Please make your escape while he is at work, have u got any one close that u can reach out to him, not his family or friends. Please do make contact with a doemstic violence agency, even phone the help line on here, they totally understand how scared we feel, sending u a massive hug , u can do this hun, at times like this u need to think about no one which is you.

[White Rose]

Please be careful. Abusers are at their most dangerous when threatened and you’ve told him you are leaving. His abuse may escalate.
Don’t be afraid to phone police.
Can you go to a friend or to family? He says he’ll change but the norm is that abusers don’t.
If you haven’t phoned helpline yet please try to but cover your tracks. They will give lots of practical advice as well as support.
You need to make sure you are safe and someone close to you other than him needs to know about this.
Have you had your injuries checked out? If not can you? If not then photograph everything you can and keep logging his actions.
Don’t stay with him just because you are married. You’re worth way more than he is and don’t forget it x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi hugs to you . Please get out before its too late these abusers get worse. Be brave your safety comes first . You deserve to be free frim this monster i run for my life if i can do it you can x*x

[lover of no contact]

womaninneed,

You are severely traumatized after him trying to drown you in the swimming pool on your honeymoon. He then raped you that night and you have injuries and infection still. He has beaten you up today. Please listen to the ladies on here. Your mind will tell you he is ok, you can keep yourself safe. That is normal to minimize the risk of him towards you. But think if he was a stranger would you still be in his company if the stranger had tried to kill you, raped you, and now today beaten you up. He will get worse if he knows you are planning to leave. Your life is at risk. Please save yourself by following the other ladies advice on here. You were very brave to tell us. Please can you tell your family that he attempted to drown you, raped you and has beaten you today. Please can you make an appointment with your G.P. and tell them he tried to drown you (but was stopped by others), raped you and beaten you. I know you feel if you tell others then events will be out of your control. But you cannot control him and his plans to hurt you.

Please keep posting as often as you need. I know fear can paralyse us.

[Author]

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