I need help

[Shazza]

Hi everyone,

I do hope everyone is as well as can be.
I need some help please. I have made the decision tl try and get out. Unfortunately he is aware of this. Initially he told me i can take our child but now he is saying he never said that and was under the assumption he would be with her (detail removed by Moderator) everh week. When we spoke i said she would be based with me every night so im not sure if he is actually believes this or is trying to confuse me. So now i feel i cant risk going yet as i need to ensure our child is with me.
Who can i call for advice? Ive tried womens aid online chat but it wont even let me join a queue to chat. The rights of women line are closed today. Ive also tried the child law advice line but cant get through.
Does anyone know who else i can call to get some advice regarding taking my child with me? He is also an alcoholic and has not had a drink for (detail removed by Moderator) dsys and so is proclaiming himself recovered. Can i go down the alcoholic route to protect her as he drinks to excess if she is in his care, he has tried to drive with her the morning after drinking heavily, and has driven drunk at other times.
Any help appreciated, i need advice before i make my move.
He is laying on the guilt thick about how hesrtbroken he is and how unfair it is. I need to get out before it breaks my “get out now” spirit

[Scarecrow]

Hi Shazza,

Firstly, well done for getting to this point, it is not an easy place to get to and, without sounding patronising, i am proud of you.

Secondly, you are doing the right thing. It is such a shame that he is aware of your plans as he will now be on high alert and potentially changing his behaviour to either suck you back in or be more aggressive in a bid to frighten you into staying.

I cannot talk to you from a legal stand point as i dont know the answers, if anything i have more questions.

Do you have somewhere safe you can take your daughter?
Is he with you both 24/7?
I dont know where you are but is there a refuge or a domestic abuse charity locally that could help you? They can offer practical advice to help you.

Please know you are not alone,

Scarecrow x

[Shazza]

You are absolutely right about him being on high alert. He is changing his behaviour and basically saying there arent any problems now. Its messing eith my head

[Bananaboat]

This is his next tactic for controlling you, what about refuge’s online help or phone line? You could try your local MASH team, if you’d benefit from social worker support, or loads of family law solicitors do free 30 minute consultations but make sure they’re used to dealing with DV. Good luck

[Wants To Help]

Hi Shazza,

If you are leaving an abusive relationship for the safety of yourself and your child then you do not need his permission to leave with her. As long as you do not leave the country you will not be committing any offences. The difficulty will be how you leave and when.

Scapegoat has already raised some questions regarding this. Is he with you 24/7 and watching you like a hawk or is there an opportunity when he is out of the house and you can go?

If you can’t organise a refuge place/somewhere in advance to go to because he is always present and watching what you are doing then I understand it is going to be very hard for you to make arrangements in advance. If you can get out of the house with your child then there are options that you can either turn up at a police station and ask for help to leave an abusive relationship, or go to the reception of your local Children’s Services for your area and explain the situation to them. You must be aware though that if you turn up at a police station then this will trigger a lot of questions regarding the abuse and they will conduct a risk assessment and may start to create crimes for any offences you disclose and start a chain of events you don’t particularly want, and if you turn up at Children’s Services and disclose criminal offences they will be duty bound to notify the police. However, both the police and Children’s Services have a duty of care to protect you and your child and if a refuge space cannot be found then they have to fund you to stay in a hotel or guest house (and these will not be the nicest of places as they will be budget ones) until you can be found alternative temporary accommodation.

If you turn up at a police station and disclose a history of abuse then the police may decide to arrest him and look at conditions to keep him away from your home so that you and your child can stay there instead. I understand that for many ladies they do not want this option and they would rather be the ones to leave so that their whereabouts is unknown to the abuser. You could explain this to the police and say you have not gone to them regarding making a complaint of abuse for an investigation/prosecution but you have gone to ask for help to leave safely, but they do have a policy to take ‘positive action’ regarding abusers if crimes are disclosed.

[Shazza]

Thank you wants to help. I would have a chance to go when he is not there, but from what i have reas there would be nothing to stop him then collecting our child from school the next day and taking her back with him. Which leaves me feeling totally stuck. I do also have somewhere ready for us to go. Unfortunately as we share a child i wont be able to go somewhere that he is unaware of as we will still need to be in contact for child arrangements. Its making me so anxious what he will do when we go and how we will try and get her back

[Lisa]

Hi Shazza,

Thank you for posting. Were you able to speak to someone for advice today?

The Women’s Aid Live Chat can get quite busy but if you are able to try again when it is safe to do so hopefully you will be able to connect to a Support Worker. Unfortunately they are unable to offer legal advice but can discuss your circumstances and signpost you to other organisations. The Live Chat service is open Mon-Fri 8am-6pm and weekends 10am-6pm.

Another option is to contact your local domestic abuse support service. They can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support. Some local services also have their own helpline or live chat service. You can find your local service via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Keep posting when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Shazza

Sorry for your situation and I wonder if you have to leave, or could you report him and he’ll have to leave is another way of doing this?

Also, coming at it from another angle again, NSPCC, I wonder if its worth you trying them as they can talk to you about children in domestic abuse situations and may have ways of helping and/or access to other supports and advice also?

Also Coram free legal advice for child related legal issues such as this.

Say as much or as little as you need to for advice and I hope you get some success very soon.

warmest wishes

ts

[Shazza]

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I did manage to get through to womena aid. I still havent been able to speak to any of the helplines but will keep trying. I feel so paralysed right now. He is changing his behaviour and although i know it wont last he is making me think that as he is currently being different i am unable to lesve

[nbumblebee]

Its what they do. They see you getting stronger maybe preparing to leave so they rein it in become the loving thoughtful kind man we first loved so we doubt ourselves so we stop getting stronger. I was doing so well a job slowly starting to talk to others build friendships knowing all along that i live with an a******e who likes to put me down hurt me. I was winning.
We are now one month into a nice spell he has been loving and calm no shouting no nastiness oh theres still been little pecks little digs but nothing bad we talk we hug no pressure for sex nothing but then (detail removed by moderator) he just let it slip a little and said to me (detail removed by moderator) and on and on no shouting no nastiness just asking me to quit. A new tactic a new way of getting to me but I spotted it straight away this time.
He wont change this is just a way of keeping you where he wants you.
Stick to your plan believe in yourself. Keep trying womans aid they will help you dont stop now. X*x

[Shazza]

Thank you nbumblebee. I go from feeling strong one minute, to then thinking im making it all upnin my head and that he cant be as bad as i think. He seems to think i havent given him a chamce to change and told me (detail removed by moderator). Im so distressed, i just want to do what is best for her and im worried that maybe he is right and i will be destroying her life by removing her from her home 😢

[nbumblebee]

No he is not right. Children pick up on abusive relationships no matter how hard you think you try and protect them. My oldest 2 now adults both have anxiety and some self confidence issues and my (detail removed by moderator) has confident issues i think down to me being weak and staying they hear things they see things they know more than you give them credit for. I wish with all my heart i had seen earlier i will never forgive myself for letting my kids down. Having a mum/parent happy free not being abused scared a mum who can stand tall be strong and not feel too scared to talk or look or act the wrong way having a mum whos free will benefit her far far more than staying will. 🥰

[Shazza]

These were my thoughts to. But he has totally got in my head saying (detail removed by moderator). He is saying (detail removed by moderator)(due to his drinking). Then hes telling me i cant do it anyway and im scared he will somehow end up having her for overnight stays. He said im being selfish not to consider this. But in my eyes she wouldnt be safe and so she wouldnt be happy as he has never put her to bed and she would want me. He wont even put her to bed if i go out.
Im so worried that he is right and that somehow he will be clever enough to end up with joint custody or something. Im so scared about the moment of actually going and dealing with the fall out. I just want to protect my little girl and am so worried i will be causing her hurt 😢

[Hazlenut]

Is his drinking documented any where? GP aware he has a problem? Any incidents reported to the police?
Safeguarding checks are carried out by the courts before he would get contact arrangements.

[Shazza]

Unfortunately because he is in denial about the drinking he has never sought help for it. The one time he did admit it was an issue he said he didnt want to go to the gp for help as he didnt want it on record. He isnt very old and has had mutliple trips to a and e with gout which may show possible issues. I also have months worth of pictures of his intake but i dont know if that would even be worth anything

[Author]

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