I need some advice . Is this abuse or is he right?

[Gingerbread961]

I have been in this relationship now for (number removed by Moderator) years, we got off to a rocky start and trust has always been an issue.

We decided to try and get through it, that came with years of name calling, arguments, toxic behaviours to which was all blamed on drugs and alcohol.
we continued to keep working on the relationship, name calling continued on and off.
however now it’s gotten to a point where I am doubting everything I do
here are some examples of recent experiences which I am confused because he says I should do it if I love and respect because that is what any woman would do.

1) not going on a family holiday as he doesn’t agree on destination

2) saying he hates a certain area which is where I work and go to school and say he hates and wishes he didn’t have to think about it

3) making me feel like I can’t have anyone in my life so I avoid it or try and cover it up. To a point I received a phone call when he was around from a ‘friend’ and my heart jumped out of my chest. Then he demanded he saw my phone and read through messages. ( it was a girl colleague from a previous work place)

4) he questions me about work and whether there is men in my work environment and if there is then he said I should leave because he’s not comfortable with it and anyone would do that for the ones they love. I work mostly alone.

5) he says that a woman who loves a man should be willing to do whatever it is that makes them happy. So if that means not talking to someone, change their career, change their job, change their sons school are just some examples

[Pittabreadcat]

I am no expert but to me this sounds like abuse. No one in a healthy relationship should be telling you to leave your job or stop talking to people. It’s one thing to raise concerns about something, but that’s different from insisting you stop going somewhere/doing something. You can’t help that there are men in your workplace, and I think it’s completely unreasonable to expect you to leave because of that.

In my opinion, your heart jumping out your chest when a friend rang you is a clear sign from your body that you don’t feel safe to be yourself around this person. That is a big red flag.

I think deep down you already know this is not a healthy, respectful relationship. You do not deserve to be treated like this. I know it’s easy for me to say ‘leave him’, but I also know it is a lot harder in practice. Be kind to yourself, you have taken a huge step by posting on here. You are not to blame for his bad behaviour. There is no justification for ongoing name-calling.

Read other posts on here and you will recognise a lot of similarities between what you have said and how other women feel in abusive relationships. Perhaps contact a local DA counsellor for more validation and support.

Wishing you all the best, take care x

[Cherries]

This isn’t healthy.

We dont come on a site like this because our relationships are normal.

Isolating is a common tactic of abusers for sure. It makes it harder to leave.

You shouldn’t need to hide friendships. Also him not liking where you work/go to school could be a way of getting you safely at home without access to funds. Makes it harder to leave.  My ex wouldn’t let me work. I thought it was because he loved me. Not so much. He had control over the finances. No income. No control over finance…SO much harder to leave.

I have very real worries about what you’ve written. Its harder to quantify this stuff. A punch in the face is glaringly obvious abuse. The insidious stuff is in many ways just as dangerous.

Control is not love. Took me too long to learn that x

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