Viewing 0 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #175294
      petal123
      Participant

      When everyone thought it’s just a breakup that caused by infidelity of my ex partner, it was actually a toxic relationship that involved abuses, coercion and sexual assaults. He also passed me STI but it has been cured by medication now.

      My first physical intimacy experience was not fully consent. My therapist pointed out he basically raped me and manipulated me during and straight after… I was clueless about the terms and definitions back then, as I have never imagined I’d have to encounter such things. I did not understand the terms and definitions, I wanted clarifications but it wasn’t available when I reported to the authorities. The authorities did not accept the case, claiming it didn’t meet their thresholds. I have reached out to ISVA to support and see if I could possibly appeal the case as it involved other victims.

      I find it extremely difficult to accept the fact that my values and beliefs in both relationships and physical intimacy are extremely twisted. (1) I am obligated to satisfy and please my partner no matter what. (2) I have to be submissive and obedient to my partner no matter what. (3) It doesn’t matter how I feel but how my partner feels matters. I have no reference point because he’s my first and only partner. A partner who has given me the hope and dream to build a family of our own together, by allowing me to decorate his house and garden.

      I only know it’s toxic and I am trauma bonded because my therapist pointed them out, but I don’t know how to walk out of it. The hope and dream of a family as well as my heart was shattered into million pieces. I got ptsd from this, on top of my anxiety, depression and c-ptsd. I still struggle with sleep and appetite. I live a life filled with panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares and some mild dissociative symptoms ever since it happened but I always thought it’s normal until my therapist pointed out it’s not.

      I have completely lost my appetite but forcing myself to eat, simply because I want to live and I don’t want to die. However, I only realised I have lost a significant amount of weight within a few months time. GP said I have just met the minimum BMI but I am now borderline with eating disorders.

      While dealing with this, I still have to catch up with my studies. I am a (study year removed by Moderator) student at a university, I don’t want to give up my studies and life because of what happened. I have been seeking medical and psychological support proactively, but I honestly don’t know what else I can do now… I want to move on from everything and no longer want to be affected negatively by the whole incident. I wanted to be loved but I am scared of getting close to anyone. I am an international student living alone without sufficient social support. I really want some guidance and support from other survivors, but I don’t seem to find one.

      I am trying to find some support here as it is suggested by helpline workers, because I have no one else around me when my family also dismissed the severity of what I experienced. Friends don’t understand and unable to support as they have not been through anything similar. I feel extremely isolated and lonely.

Viewing 0 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2025 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content