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I am really unsure and have no idea what to do. I have a young baby and I have been in an abusive relationship for over (detail removed by Moderator) now. I have never been in a refuge previously as I have stayed with family in the past but recently the violence has taken a big turn where I am scared for my life. I live in a council property with my baby and my partner lives there also. The property is in my name but I am considering going into a refuge for myself and my baby to be safe. I have spoken to members of my family who support my decision for my own safety so he will be unable to locate me. I just dont know how to begin? What will happen to my flat? will i be rehoused ? am i making myself homeless by fleeing? how will i organise a new place to stay. I just feel drained and tired of being a punching bag and i do not want my baby in this terrible enviroment. I want a safe place to bring up my baby… please help me x
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If he is violent, it is good to go to a refuge. That way he can’t get to you. You could apply for an occupation and non-molestation order but as some of the women will tell you, some abusers break this with very little consequences. They break it because they know where you are and could stalk you or wait around the corner for you to come home.
A refuge and the local authority/council are suppose to facilitate a transfer for you to another council property in another borough area far enough away that your abuser cannot find you. Sometimes things don’t go well in a refuge, so I know women who have done their own house swap or who have contacted shelter to help them find housing.
Being in a refuge can be difficult and it’s not a good idea to meet your abuser or anyone else from your current borough while you are in the refuge.
I was in a refuge not more than 5 years ago but I am scared to give out my address because I haven’t given my abusive husband the divorce he wants. After 5 years, he can divorce me without my permission or me having to get involved with a solicitor. I spend two separate (detail removed by Moderator) periods in a council bed and breakfast which for me was traumatic because I have a diagnosed mental health condition. I spent (detail removed by Moderator) with a private landlord but then the council condemned the building and then I was homeless again. I contacted Shelter and they helped me with my case for free and the council put be forward for a housing association new build which is where I currently live.
When I fled to a refuge, I went back with friends to retrieve my some belongings and put them in storage. The council is supposed to pay to put your things in storage but many don’t.
There is a big gap between the help you are supposed to receive and what you actually receive. However, if you want to have any chance of having a normal environment, you have to lose a lot of material possessions and relationships with family and friends and your community but not your life. Your life and your child’s life and well-being is the most important thing. As long as you are alive and well you can start again.
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Thank You for the insight You have provided me with. It sounds like you have had a very hard and awful time im so sorry. My main concern is us being safe right now, he threatens me daily as to if I leave and take the baby as he claims our baby is the best thing thats happened to him. He is never violent toward the baby but seems to take out every fustration on me verbally, physically, mentally and I have had enough. My main concern is this affecting our child so I want to start a new life for us both. I feel so worried and scared about leaving as I have never gone into refuge before. I guess it would be alot easier if i didn’t have a property already, I have so many questions about what will happen once I leave … but i guess i will just need to take the step.
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You will get a personal suoport worker specialised in abuse and helping with putting you in youch with all the bodies you need to resolve the issues that you leave behind and that might be getting non mol in place certainly safety planning forbyou and baby and housing.
In Refuge you cankeep competely to yourself if you need to and dont need to be involved with others more than you can manage or want to and will have a room at least that you can feel safe in away from him.
You are doing the one thing that will keep him away from you both and will get support for you both. Good luck and much strength to you.
Warmest wishes
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Hi Paris,
Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the Forum a safe and supportive place.
I understand from your post that you are keen to leave your home with your baby to a safe place. This is a big decision to make but it is clear that you are a great mum who is putting your baby first. If you are able to then please do call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers can discuss options based on your circumstances, signpost you to other helpful organisations and search for refuge space for you and your baby. You can ask any questions you have without being judged. You are doing the right thing by leaving and deserve to be free from abuse.
Have the police been involved in the past? Are you in contact with your local support group? Your local group can also support you emotionally and practically. You can find local details here
Keep posting to us when you can. There will always be support here for you.
Take care,
Lisa
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Thank you all for the support and advice – I know I need to do this for myself and baby to be safe, I’m trying to prepare myself to leave, he watches my every move so closely even keeping my letters and i.d so he can monitor what i’m doing I know once I am going I am going to need to grab everything I can and get out as soon as possible. It does help having a really supportive family but he also tries keeping me away from my family. The police have been involved twice previously and both of those times He claimed he would change and stop treating me this way .. it never changes. I feel really upset with myself for being abused by him over and over but it has been so hard to leave constantly feeling scared. Now I have had the baby I have more freedom to leave and go out as I have things like playgroup and clinic to attend for baby so this could be an opportunity i can take to go to refuge… Im trying to get it all straight in my head. I havn’t had any kind of support locally to me really and I dont really know of any services close to me i can access for the support I need. I have tried to go to the council and inform them of the fact I’m experiencing abuse but nothing has been done in terms of my housing to be able to escape this. Its like i hit a brick wall with it each time. I will call the helpline today as he has gone out for a while. Thanks again ladies for the courage x*x
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I told my health visitor. In my case she was the one that helped me escape my abusive marriage. She was so supportive and put me in touch with a domestic violence support worker. It maybe possible to arrange to meet support worker during your regular playgroup visit. Are you able to speak to a staff member at playgroup regarding you situation? Is it a surestart centre? My local surestart centres work closely with Women’s Aid and staff members are very knowledgeable about issues affecting victims of domestic abuse They may be able to provide you with some support and guide you to further support in your area. Are you able to use the phone there to call the helpline? Please do emphasise the fact that you and your child ARE in immediate danger and they may be able to arrange a meeting very quickly.
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Hi HUn
derf make arrangemnts to get in toa refugee, u will be allocated a support worker and they wil guide n*d help u with all the steps u need to take, including support and guidance in getting him removed from house, whilst your in refugee he cant coem near u or your child.Stay brave and u can do this
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Going into a refuge is the best way to stay safe with your baby.
You should also inform the police and tell them how scared you are.
Once you are in the refuge you can get legal support to issue a non molestation order and occupation order against him.
Social services can help you with the council people.
The best way to keep you safe would be rehousing. But the councils nowadays are stupid and hardly do this anymore.
You should at least be able to keep your flat and get it fitted with CCTV and additional security. -
Hi everyone – it’s been a rough few months but I’m so happy to say I left for refuge yesterday. I feel really safe and relieved he cannot harm me anymore. My baby and near are doing great I just now want to focus on getting on with my new life and finding us a new place for us to live our lives free from violence x*x
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Well done Paris for leaving your abuser. I’m so glad you are safe. Please continue to post, you may experience a roller-coaster of emotions, as now you are safe the emotions you may have suppressed to survive the abusive situation probably will come to the surface. We can help you with this as we have experienced similar emotions.
You are so brave. I wish I had the awareness you have now when my eldest daughter was a baby. He was abusing me but I didn’t know it. I stayed for another just under (detail removed by Moderator), went on to have a lot more children. My children were then reared in this damaging environment and they have been badly affected and some of them have had their bond with me badly weakened due to his influence in the home while they were being reared and I was being abused and of course they were abused too by him. Him being abuser is all he can do, abuse. He cannot love. My children and I only received abuse from him for that nearly (detail removed by Moderator).
You have saved your baby and yourself from a future life of hell. Well done.
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Hi ladies! Feeling settled now when I fist araised I felt like I was dreaming .. it was all so unbelievable that I finally got the courage to leave him. As I left home I was so scared but the closer I got to arriving in the refuge I felt free and happy I had done this. I feel really safe here.. really free it’s like a freedom I havent experienced b4. My baby is doing well and I’m so happy I’m beginning a new life for him and myself. I have heard today that refuge is only for a term of six months when you arrive … hearing this today has made me worry as what if I don’t sort out a new home b4 then. I have so many questions about how I can move forward now just hoping things go well for us. Thank u all so much hearing of different experience makes me stronger. XxParis
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HI Paris
you have come a long way and made major positive decisions since i last posted to you on here… its a big leap into the unknown, but you have support there for you,and you must take any concerns to your support worker who will talk through all options with you. Just off load it all and in time things will gradually be ticked off your list.you are newly arrived, keep enjoying the distance and safety you feel thats so huge! what a relief huh?!
warmest wishes
ks xx
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