I need some rational opinions

[moondaisy]

Hi everyone,

So I’m in a healthy relationship and feel they have helped me recover well from being in my last relationship because they are not abusive in the slightest. They treat me well and are incredibly loving and supportive.

I won’t say specific times, but we had been together for long enough that we were established as long-term, and I started to feel a bit uncomfortable about someone he worked with. I noticed him texting her every so often so I did the wrong thing and went through his phone. I know this is an awful breach of trust and privacy and I should never have done this, but I did and I found messages I was not happy with. He did not cross any boundaries per se, but she had confided in him about a very traumatic experience and said she felt her self esteem had been ruined. He responded by saying he would give her a confidence boost and said she was beautiful and he adored her and his life was made better by her being in it. Seeing him say those things to someone else really hurt and my heart pounds just thinking about it, but he did say that he did it because he was just trying to boost her confidence. At other times, he was joky/bantering with her and whenever he wasn’t there he would send messages like “(detail removed by Moderator)”. This especially hurt, but the conversation never escalated past this. There was never anything sexually suggestive or remotely filthy between them. It was all just light teasing.

She once sent him a selfie of herself at (detail removed by Moderator) and he just made a joke saying he thought it was gonna be a (detail removed by Moderator) when the message popped up (and he totally had the opportunity to have complimented her appearance and he did not). She then went on to explain she was actually in a lot of pain and he apologised and said he wouldn’t have been making jokes if he knew how much pain she was in and he hoped she get well soon.

When I found the messages, I woke him up and explained what I had done and seen. He was upset I had gone through his phone but he insisted that there was no intention from him to flirt with her, and that he was just bantering with her because they’re friends and she’s a joky/bantery person. He never complimented her appearance except the one time when she had confided a traumatic experience, and he really isn’t the kind of person to come onto someone if they’ve just told him something that horrible. I brought the whole thing up again recently because it was upsetting me and he explained that because I’m his first serious girlfriend, he just didn’t realise that that kind of banter was off limits and that as soon as he saw how much he hurt me, he was painfully sorry and has never, ever done anything of the sort again (and I know he has not). He even admitted that now with hindsight (it was a long time ago now) he realises that the way he spoke to her was quite inappropriate and that if I had spoken to someone else like that he would have been very upset with me. He also said he can see why I was upset and thought that it was flirtatious, but that he genuinely did not have those feelings for her. He promises that he had no flirtatious intention there and that they just had a friendship that was built on insulting each other jokingly.

At the time he said he felt so bad that I was now aware of her traumatic experience that he said he thought he should inform her of what happened – he messaged her explaining that I was worried about their relationship saying I thought he was cheating and that I had seen details of her traumatic experience and he was sorry. She said she understood and they hardly ever spoke again. Is him telling her “she thought I was cheating on her” an indicator that nothing was going on? seeing as he didn’t mind telling her directly that what I thought was wrong? The girl also had a boyfriend at the time if that helps.

I always thought that teasing was a form of flirting for men which is what scared me and because of my previous relationship and because a close male relative has also been unfaithful and then lied, I can’t get it out of my mind that my boyfriend is lying to me. But he has been wonderful in every other way, and nothing of this nature has ever happened before/after the event.

I don’t really think anything real was happening. I don’t think they were “in” on anything, there was no romantic or sexual relationship between them. All that is bothering me is the idea that he was flirting with her and enjoying it, but he has told me that although he can understand why I think that, that is just not the case.

How would you guys feel about this? I already have bad trust issues that several affect my judgement and I want to trust him and believe he is telling the truth. Especially as I know he has not done this since. I am allowed on his messaging apps/see them casually when I use his FB account to send myself work and he is not very protective over his phone and will leave it lying about, leave it alone with me in a room/in the house whilst he goes out.

[moondaisy]

I ended up calling him in a panic with my heart pounding and feeling sick.

He has said before that if it ever bothers me I can talk to him about it any time and he’ll answer any questions I need answering. I asked him again tonight to please just promise me it didn’t mean anything. And he promised it meant nothing and that he loves me and he’s with me and that nothing like that will ever happen again.

I feel like I’m torturing us both with this and I don’t know how to stop bringing it up. It’s not fair on him at all.

He can’t take back what he did and he’s apologised countless times. All I can do is forgive and move on or not forgive and break up. But I love him so much and I don’t want to do that. So the only option is to find a way to get over it.
Considering looking for private therapy.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi moondaisy, I just want to let you know that I’ve read your post but didnt know how to answer. I think communication is the best thing for all relationships. Too many times, we dont like to ask awkward questions, and that’s surely the road to relationships breaking down. I’m not good at confrontation, but I’m learning. I’m not a doormat, just I’ve never said what i was thinking/feeling to my husband, unless it was in keeping with his views.perfect stepford wife, that’s me. (Or I was, not any more)
What I see from your post, is that you’re able to ask awkward questions and he’s willing to answer them. If at any time you ever feel as if somethings not quite right, trust your gut. Good luck
IWMB 💕💕

[teabag]

Hmmm, I think we can support and compliment someone to build self esteem without being to personal. Do we need to tell people they are beautiful. Shes obviously depending on him a lot because he gives all the right answers and makes her feel better. But really he should be concentrating on you guys and i hope hes not texting her when you are together. She needs to learn boundaries herself- hes got a girlfriend etc.

Keep your EYES open please.
x

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