I need to talk

[Mini mayhem]

I have spoke to him begging for money took ages for him to agree to give me some but I had no choice I needed it for food he then went on to tell me I was a bad wife that’s why he left told me he was lonely for years he asked me who I was seeing now and I said no-one then he said he thinks I should start seeing someone else as it would be good for me as he wants me to be happy it has really done my head in I don’t know what to think I need some advice

[KIP.]

Hi there, he’s playing terrible mind games with you. Push and pull. Are you together or separated? My ex accused me of seeing someone else which was rubbish. Turns out he was the one cheating. These comments are designed to un nerve you. He sits back and smugly watches you suffer. What would happen if you said ok, I will see someone else? He’s looking for a reaction I think. Probably for you to grovel? It also sounds like he’s using money to control you. Are you in touch with women’s aid? The helpline on here is great if you want to talk to someone X

[Mini mayhem]

Hi kip
We are separated he left me for a younger woman I was devastated I didn’t know at first he says he was leaving to find himself again he is an alcholic and always bullied me and controlled me but always tells me I was those things

[Anonymous]

Dear Mini mayhem, he sounds like an absolute nightmare who is VERY BAD for your mental peace of mind. He is JUST NOT RIGHT!!! all of these contradictions are called gas lighting and deliberate attempts to unsettle you and make you doubt yourself and believe you are crazy. This’crazy making’is so dangerous for a persons well being. It happened to me over a period of time and I’m still trying to manage the after effects now. I think that you need to set some boundaries, you sound financially dependent which is giving him all of the power. He is really screwing with your head this situation needs sorting out asap. I think these resources may help you:

1. Post on here called ‘can anybody give any examples of gaslighting?’
2. Posts entitled Plausible Deniability and Intermittent Reinforcement
3. 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships (free to read on Amazon)
4. All books (particularly Manipulated) by HG Tudor (free to read on Amazon
5. http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-n*********s-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/6/?utm_source=manipulativearcissists&utm_medium=fb&utm_campaign=ad

[Lisa]

Hi Mini Mayhem,

Please phone the helpline to get some advice and support. Your local Women Aid group will also be really helpful in helping you to heal and break free from him. Going no contact will really help you to get some clarity without him trying to cloud your judgement.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Mini mayhem]

I have phoned women’s aid three times but not been answered he has not been in touch but I really want to text him why do I want to talk to him he us always horrible to me he is always with his new girlfriend taking Her away to posh hotels all the time while I’m struggling to feed my son I really want revenge I am so angry

[Lisa]

Hi Mini Mayhem,

I understand it can be really frustrating not getting through to the helpline, unfortunately it is a very busy service. Please do keep trying, if you leave a voicemail just with your phone number and a safe time frame for a call back the helpline workers will call you back.

Wanting to contact him is natural, as are your feelings of anger, use them to propel you forward. With time and no contact you will start to feel better.

Keep posting, there is lots of fantastic support and advice here.

Lisa

[Healthyarchive]

These links may help you. X*X
http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/why-the-n********t-gives-us-up/
https://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

[SaharaD]

Hi MM

Sorry to hear that you are feeling down.

Finances

Please apply for benefits for you and your child, CHILD BENEFIT, Child tax credits, ESA if you feel too unwell to work or JSA if you feel well enough to work or Income support if your child isn’t school age first or Working Tax credits if you work. Since he seems loaded apply for maintenance through the CSA. Also apply for an interim financial order through the courts for spousal maintenance and support. If he is self employed or owns a company and trying to hide money report him to HMRC. You can get food bank vouchers from your GP, The CAB, your Health visitor or your local women’s DV organisation. You don’t need to ask him for money. Your official status is separated single parent. I’m assuming he moved all of his belonging out.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview
https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/arranging-interim-maintenance-in-england-wales-northern-ireland#applying-to-the-courts-for-interim-maintenance
http://rightsofwomen.org.uk
http://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/

Make it official and don’t go by what he says. All abusers are liars. He can’t just run away from his parental responsibility.

Are you safe? Does he have keys? Are his belongings still there? Change the locks and get him to come remove his belongings with the police if he is violent. You have to take extra precautions if he knows where you live and your routine. You can block his number, have a new phone, apply for a non molestation order or only communicate by a separate email.

http://www.ncdv.org.uk can help with the non-molestation order/injunction.

If you need to talk ,talk to us, the women’s aid line, Samaritans or your local women’s DV service. Your local DV service should provide you with group support, support worker and individual counselling. This way you can avoid talking or listening to him.

This is very important because he is most likely going to try to continue to abuse you and/or retaliate when you try to assert yourself.

[missgiddypants]

Hi Mini Mayhem I went through similar to you ,my ex left me for another  (removed by moderator) ,he put our house on the market so they could by a place together ,he too said his marriage had been bad for years ,when he had a go at me I would retaliate back which of course bullies not like ,he was ages before he moved out of my house moved in with her but she threw him out so he came back them moved into his own place ,I would get threats of I’m not paying the M**e if I not do as I was told ,he too said go onto a dating site ,find somebody it will help you through it ,didn’t at first but when I did went straight into the arms of another bully ,
you can get a solicitor to draw something up to make them pay their way ,I did it to stop him not paying the bills and also not throwing me out of the house until it was sold ,I’M divorced btw as he even took that right from me by divorcing me even tho he committed a***y he put me through hell for a number of months making me lose weight it was horrendous x

[Author]

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