I really need advice on potential emotional abuse

[pookie1]

I’ve been with my partner for nearly (removed by moderator) years and we have to kids – (removed by moderator) and (removed by moderator). He’s always had a temper – often rearing its head unpredictably. He’s generally quite grumpy and most of the time we joke about it but occasionally he’ll have a massive flair up. I’ve not made a diary but if I had to say, probably every couple of months.

It all came to a head on (removed by moderator) night when I had to call 999. An argument from (removed by moderator) had spilled over and the sulking hd slowly simmered away into rage. I should say he’s not hit me or the kids but his temper is violent – throwing things, smashing things, foaming at the mouth, intimidating me in my personal space. This time he picked up a knife and threatened to cut himself. That was a red line.

For context the previous day I had calmly and sensitively suggested (I’ve mastered this skill) how our (removed by moderator) daughter was feeling pressure to handle SATs pressure. He makes her do maths homework every day after school and it’s taking its toll. I know he’s trying to help her but he’s blind to her emotional response which is stress and panic. I tried to suggest that her self-esteem was low and she needed to feel reassured.

He did not take this well. Very defensive – for the record I wasn’t rude or unfair but balanced. My other daughter who is (removed by moderator) was there and she reassures me that I was completely reasonable. The sulking turned to cold silence, blaming me for not listening to him and the reason he got angry was because I don’t listen and really love him.

I’ve never told anyone about this but this example has been happening in various forms for years – even before the kids. I feel trapped and I just need to hear I’m not going mad. Does this sound abusive or am I overreacting? I’ve been gaslight for so many years I doubt myself all the time.

Any help appreciated x*x

[Lottieblue]

Definitely abusive, my love.

Two really important books for you to read: “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft and “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.

The picture you paint is exactly as mine was – I escaped during lockdown, after a long marriage too but my children were a little older than yours.
I had this same thing of unpredictable rage. Same thing of knowing I need to bring something up but taking ages to do so as I was trying to figure out the right way of doing it. The same thing of being yelled at and accused of… anything really to make me feel inferior… if I dared to doubt his authority in any sense. I gave mine some advice (trying not to be moderated here) on how to keep our youngest on the rails (ie not to throw a strop) and he yelled at me, asking him if I was trying to tell him how to parent his own children. Well, actually yes I was, as he never spent time with them and hadn’t a clue, and this was a particularly troubled little boy.

This was the main reason why I knew it had to be no contact when I left. And I have stuck to that. I haven’t tried to explain my actions because I knew he would turn it all round on me. It was like he had all his weapons behind his back and if I used one of mine he would go on getting bigger and bigger weapons out until he had regained his position of power/authority. So I’d stop early on otherwise it would get too vicious. I knew I couldn’t ever win as he’d stop at nothing.

The silent treatment is also abusive and also a tactic I suffered many a time. It’s horrible and it stays with you for years. It’s such a simple thing but it is the purest of punishments.

Start keeping notes. Of everything. And read (at the very least) those two books. There’s also a really good podcast called “Love and Abuse”. The latest episode is very relevant to what you are describing.

Keep coming back here x*x

[pookie1]

Thanks so much for replying. It’s good to talk to someone about it. I realise it’s been bad for a very long time but because it’s not constant, and because I always end up apologising to keep the peace (partly because I can’t stand the silent treatment) I think it’s not too bad, it’s better now.

The two things that have stuck in my mind since I started doing some research on this is, is: kindness and respect. These two things are severely lacking when I challenge him on something he’s rigid about – mainly his parenting style – or when from nowhere he become irrational, cruel and vindictive in his bullying tactics.

When he’s angry he humiliates me, verbally insults me, drags our children into the fight, gaslights me, insists I detail previous incidents in minute detail which I never can. When I inevitably become emotional and distressed he become relentless and I crumble. I feel like I can’t remember what happened only moments before. In the end his version seems logical and his grasp on the situation clearer so I end of conceding it must be me.

As I’m typing this I realise how abusive this is. He does the same thing with my two girls to a lesser extent. Even now, a few days on from the police visit and from me suggesting he get support for his anger issues, he’s still sulking, grumpy and personally aggrieved about the way I’m responding to him.

The more he continues like this the stronger I feel. Although I have no idea how the hell to get out of this marriage, sort out the finances, living arrangements etc, even with all that chaos I feel a calm inside me like never before.

I think my next step – not sure when I’ll be ready – is to talk to a friend. But for now knowing people here understand is more than enough to keep me going.

Thanks for sharing your story too. It gives me hope. x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Pookie1,

Welcome to the forum. I can see you have already received insight and support from someone who can very much relate. It sounds like you have just started to come forward, sharing your experience. Having validation is important, so it’s great that you felt able to post here today.

It sounds like you are having somewhat of an epiphany; you are seeing his behaviour for what it is and how detrimental it has indeed been for you and the children. It’s an exhausting task, trying to manage such behaviour, so it’s positive to hear you express feeling the need to speak to a friend next and keep posting here.

It can be overwhelming to know where to start, when thinking of ‘what to do next’. Emotional support and validation is key. It may also be a good next step (or when you feel ready), to engage with your local domestic abuse service. This is a free service, and they will do all they can to help. They can address all your concerns and go over your options so you can have clarity on how to move forward. They often have links to good legal advice as well.

I hope this is useful. Do keep posting and remembering that you are not alone in this.

All the best,

Lisa

[Lottieblue]

Hi again,

we have, indeed, had very similar experiences. I know, so much, what you mean about that confusion – what the Hell is going on here? I used to think I was actually losing my mind when these attacks happened – I tried to figure out what on earth had happened, had I done something to trigger it? Did he really hate me that much? After each one, I knew I couldn’t go on living like this, it was so awful, but then he would pretend like nothing had happened, so I started to wonder – was it really that bad?
But it was.

OK, a couple more things for you to google are the Cycle of Abuse, and FOG, the Fog of Abuse – Fear Obligation Guilt. That’s what drove my life, on a daily basis. That’s what everything was based on. I was either afraid of what his response would be, felt an obligation (because he told me I should) to do what he wanted me to do, or believed that I had done something wrong and felt guilty – because that’s what he made me believe.

It took me a long time to leave, and I am really happy for you to pm me if you want to go into this in greater depth than is permitted (for our safety) on here. But step 1 was telling a friend. I told her about a particular incident that had taken place and that I realised it was abuse and that I would, eventually leave him. I knew I would. It was actually only a year later that I did. Covid accelerated things. This sharing was really important. We never discussed it, she knew and I knew that, until I was ready, I had to get on with things. But it was important for me both to hear myself say it out loud, and to know that someone would catch me if I suddenly fell. She definitely saved my life, just by being there, and when it all started getting a bit fraught and I was really struggling she said to me “whatever happens, you are going to be jumping off a cliff. You just have to have faith that it will be ok in the end”. I remind myself so often of that, mainly because she was absolutely right and it reminds me how very brave I was.

The next thing to do is to tap in to your local Women’s Aid, as Lisa has said. I called by one day. didn’t need an appointment. I was made a cup of tea and someone took me into a little room and I just cried and said I didn’t know why he was so horrible to me or how much longer I could stand it. They were really gentle, listened, sympathised, told me they were there for me, and I suppose that gave me real strength as I then carried with me the knowledge that someone had my back.
(As the time got closer to me leaving, when I suffered terrible anxiety I spoke to the same wonderful person on a regular basis and she calmed me down)
And the third person that I would say you should really try to talk to is a lawyer. It doesn’t have to be a lawyer you want to move forwards with, you don’t even have to like them (although it would help!). My WA team gave me a list of three of four names, and I paid under £100 for an initial consultation – you could probably find one who would do it free. She was brilliant and I would say it definitely makes a difference knowing that they understand what you’re going through. But there are a lot of myths around divorce/separation and it is really good knowing that you actually know, not think you know, where you stand. Knowledge is, it really is, power. And also taking these little steps without him knowing will give you strength and make you feel that maybe he doesn’t have all the power after all.
You don’t have to make the decision to leave, but it is truly empowering to know that you could if ever you did decide to.

Keep sharing here, it makes such a difference. Lots of us have posted a lot, particularly in our hours of greatest need, so don’t feel self-conscious about it. I couldn’t have escaped if it hadn’t been for this forum.

LB x*x

[gettingtired]

My ex took a knife out on a few occasions threatening to harm himself. Even though he pulled it on himself it was still very scary for me. It was all manipulation as he didn’t ever use it on himself but I still believe it was done to frighten and control me.
“I feel like I can’t remember what happened only moments before.” I can relate so much to what you’ve written here. These experiences are so traumatic it literally affects your memory. I can’t say I can pinpoint any incidents to dates looking back, most I just can’t even remember. One particular incident was so bad I genuinely doubted my own version of events for a long time as I couldn’t (or didn’t want to) accept that it had happened. I used to send emails to myself and save them in secret folders detailing incidents as I knew a day or so later I’d probably have forgotten them. It might be worth keeping a secret log somewhere if it’s safe for you to do so xx

[Author]

Posts