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I’m in a pretty bad situation having separated from my youngest son’s dad (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago. He pushed me over during an argument, dragged me across the room and screamed in my face that he hated me. In front of our (age removed by Moderator) old who was crying and screaming.
I tried to tell him he needed help to get to the bottom of why he behaved like that, but he was so arrogant about it and said it was my fault as I knew what buttons to press. I stayed for (timeframe removed by Moderator) hoping for an apology the very least. But it never came.
I gave up everything to be with him. I have an older son who is now (age removed by Moderator).
I walked away and he ‘allowed’ us to stay in a property he was going to rent out for (timeframe removed by Moderator), until the house I was going to rent became available.
We moved into it and I thought my life would start to get better. I was wrong. My eldest and youngest son’s fathers are now best mates. They have started drinking together and my eldest son’s dad has now even moved into the house we had to stay in for (timeframe removed by Moderator).
Whenever my (age removed by Moderator) old and I have crossed words he immediately calls him Dad, he comes round and tells him I’m a n********t and films me. I try not to overreact to any of it. However, my youngest son’s Dad is extremely hostile towards me too. We have had to go to court and he has him (detail removed by Moderator). I just can’t cope with seeing him, he is extremely intimidating and he also films me when we do handovers. I keep breaking down.
My (relative removed by Moderator) is in the late stages of Dementia and I’ve just had her moved to be closer to me. She keeps calling for bread, shopping and medication etc and I just feel like I’m at breaking point.
I am due a phone call from talking therapy via the GP on Friday, but I’m so worried for myself and my eldest sons mental health I just don’t know where to turn.
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My dear this seems just too much! There’s no way you should have to go through this.
I’ll try and make sense of your family arrangements but unfortunately so much has been removed by the moderator that it’s a bit of guesswork on my part. I’m assuming the house that you’re living in now is your own house in that it’s rented in your name/ you pay the rent.
If that’s correct then there is absolutely no way that either of these men (the exes) should be allowed into your house, and especially not to illegally film you and insult/abuse you in your OWN HOUSE.
No way.
If your eldest son is not in your legal care, he should not be allowed access either.
To enforce this may seem difficult, like you are burning your bridges with three quarters of your past relationships, but I hate to tell you, they’re burned already. There is no rescuing this situation ( in my opinion, sorry if I sound opinionated but I know it’s only a forum and you can completely ignore me!!).
The only way is to go no contact completely and 100%, and maybe over time this little cabal will burn itself down. Either way, your emotional discomfort is their fuel right now. Cut it off.
Is it possible for you to do that? Xx
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
He filmed me outside the property as I walked out with my son, so I don’t think I have a leg to stand on.
(legal detail removed by Moderator).
I desperately want to sever all contact with both of them, but my youngest son is only (age removed by Moderator) and has already been through so much already I don’t know how it could work. -
It’s really nasty bullying. It’s not surprising that these 2 bitter men have found company with each other, but it’s horrendous for you. I found that the first stages of leaving an abusive relationship was that I felt very alone and isolated, and having 2 of them going at you must be really awful.
Maybe if you can, get in touch with your local domestic violence charity and see whether there are any groups you can join. Perhaps a bit of moral support for you. There is also an app that you can use for co-parenting which means you only communicate with your ex through the app. I have a friend who has it. If you need me to I can ask her what it’s called.
It’s time you really cracked down on this or they’re going to drive you crazy. Just refuse to engage. No contact. If they’re filming you outside your house you could try and talk to the police about it. Could it be seen as stalking or harassment?
P.s. when you talked about it being your fault that he was abusive because you ‘knew which buttons to press’ it sent a chill down my spine. I had exactly this too. Now I’m out of it I can laugh about it and I know how untrue it is, but at the time I found it really difficult. Xx -
Thank you once again for taking the time to read and reply. I find it extremely helpful.
We do use an app to talk to one another. It helps, but he still called me pathetic on their the other day and says things like ‘I know what you’re trying to do.’ I HATE that it gets to me, I hate that I have to see him (detail removed by Moderator) every week.
He does (detail removed by Moderator) so that eliminates seeing him, but as it the school holidays it’s not happening.I lie awake worrying about seeing him the next day, or when I have to pick up my son my stomach churns.
I feel like he has his foot on my throat. He stares at me as I pull up and as I leave and I’m just so angry with myself that I allow him to intimidate me. Although, I deliberately appear upbeat when I get out the car, smile, music on etc, but the other day he said it was too loud for our son and it needed turning down.
I really feel like I’m going to crack and have a breakdown and want to just run away. -
I totally understand, it takes a bit of time to integrate the fear and trauma that we’ve been through, and in the meantime it feels so strong we believe everybody must be able to see it!
They can’t.Sounds like you are successfully doing a ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ trick, and I think that’s exactly the way to get through this.
If you have to go home and shake and cry that’s ok. We’ve all done it. Slowly all this pain and trauma will integrate into you, and you’ll just be a stronger person for it. You can carry the scars of this war and you’ll only be stronger for it.
It’ll change you and you’ll be a more real person, and then, finally, you’ll see that none of this has changed him because he doesn’t really take any responsibility for any of it. You’ll see him for what he is.
I suffered physically for several months, and I didn’t have to see mine. I still fall down rabbit holes of panic every now and then. You will be ok. But it takes a while. Be gentle with yourself. Accept that you may feel like s**t for a half year, maybe a year. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. -
P.S. of course it will get to you, him intimidating and insulting you. It’s designed to. He knows it’ll get to you. Nobody in the world could be subjected to that and not feel upset and traumatized.
It doesn’t matter, as long as he doesn’t see that it’s getting to you and you don’t react. It doesn’t matter because all he’s doing is proving to you how right you were to get out of that relationship. It doesn’t matter because his nastiness is his problem. It doesn’t matter because what he thinks of you dosen’t matter. His opinion of you isn’t anything to do with you. -
Thank you, thank you and THANK YOU again!! This is truly inspiring, I feel like I’ve actually found someone who I can relate to and can relate to what I’m going through.
I love the strength and the acceptance behind your post. You too sound like you have and still are suffering, to take the time to help others in this way that you have is awe inspiring.
I have taken screenshots of your reply and will be reading them over and over as it’s been the first relatable thing anyone has said to me in a very long time.
truly grateful over here. One foot in front of the other, many thanks x -
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