I think I already know the answer!

[bellecat]

I’m sitting here at work, in pain from being throttled twice again this morning. This is not the first time he’s choked me either, and choking isn’t all he’s done. He’s slapped me around the face, slapped my arms until they bruise, screamed in my face in public too, thrown and broken things – always my things, too. He doesn’t work, thinks he’s too good for the jobs there are available. Spends all our money on drugs so we barely make it to the end of the month. Pushes me into sex when I don’t want it. And this happens on a regular.

I just can’t believe that the guy I thought Id spend my life with has become this.Now I’ve written it all down, I can clearly see how wrong this is. The other week he was telling me he loves me while slapping me around the face. He does that a lot, he did that this morning too, I love you and you treat me like this. It all started just because I disagreed with how he wanted to do something – he just goes off on one. Doesn’t matter what I say or do, even if I do nothing he just gets more and more wound up. This morning he was saying you treat the only person who loves you like this, your family don’t give a s**t, you have no friends, you can’t challenge me physically, look at you, so all you can do is bully me and disrespect me!

he’s scary. I’m scared of him. I simply cannot believe that this is my life. Although, to be honest, the signs were there a long while ago. At first I thought it was passion, that he was passionate about things and that’s why he shouted. Now I realise it’s just anger, and control. He’s actually said to me that everything would be okay if I’d just do as he says. I would have done that a few years ago, ‘cos I loved him, I trusted him. That all ended when he cheated on me, more than once, then blamed me for his cheating. I knew from the way he spoke to her on the phone that something was going on, and one day a letter arrived for him, hadn written, so I knew it wasn’t anything official. When I asked him about he, he played games, so I checked his bag when he showered and found it.

When he realised I’d found out because I went into his bag that;s what eh concentrated on, how I had no respect for him! How dare I go in his bag. But I don’t trust him anymore and he knows it, he knows he can’t control me. I just play dumb and keep quiet to stay safe, until I can find a way out of here. But I have no where to go to, I’ve not told anyone what’s going on apart from on here. I cannot believe I’m allowing myself to be treated like this. I thought my parents relationship was bad, they shouted and gave each other the silent treatment, but as far as I know were never physical with each other. And what I wanted was to be as far away from that as possible. How have I ended up in this situation?

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, like the rest of us on here, the abuse crept up over a period of time and we made excuses for it and trusted and believed an abuser. He sounds like he is justifying his illegal abusive behaviour by telling you he loves you. love does not do that to someone. Please contact your local women’s aid. They will help you. He sounds very dangerous. Choking is one of the questions the police ask victims to determine how dangerous these men are.
It sounds like you recognise his mind games like blaming you when he’s the one caught cheating. You have the right to ring the police. You can speak to a domestic abuse officer for advice. You’ve recognised you’re being abused which is a huge step. Keep posting, we are here to help x

[Serenity]

Hi Belle Cat,

It certainly is power and control at its worst.

My ex also warned me that I should keep my mouth shut and do as he said, and let him do as he wanted- or else.

I am very worried for your safety. You sound as if you are changing- once upon a time, you would have done as he said without question, and now- though you are scared- you are questioning his control over you.

I think we all rise up in the end. We have our limits.

The best thing I ever did was contact Women’s Aid. I never looked back. Please do this- he sounds very dangerous. Be careful not to let him know you are reaching out for help. When abusers get wind of us getting outside advice, or wanting to leave, they can up the abuse even more.

Professionals will help you to get out of this terrible situation.

I know it’s scary, and leaving is also scary, but you are worth so much more. I promise you that within a year or two of being out, you won’t believe what you allowed to happen.

Hugs X

[Anonymous]

Go to police hun please!! I took control and things got worse .. you can do this .. womens aid was my life line.. no women on this earth deserves to be hurt .. we are all here to support you x

[undertherainbow]

What Primbo said. My only way out was being honest with the police instead of covering up for him. It got worse the stronger I became, he knew I was getting ready to leave and he upped his abuse. You seem like you’re starting to make sense of his behaviour and you may feel empowerment. This sadly is the most dangerous time. Stay safe, have your phone handy and please please please contact police if you can.

[bellecat]

So after the choking incident, I got home and he was lovely. He’d done the washing up, prepared tea, cleaned – all the usual stuff he does to placate me. Then he started to tell me how he’s tired of me provoking him into a rage and if I don’t stop doing it, he’s scared he’ll end up hurting me. Not really any apology, but then I don’t expect one anymore. I also told him that he’d hurt me and my throat was sore – no response to that. What he did do though was accuse me of not caring because I didn’t fall at his feet begging forgiveness. I’ve found that if I just apologise and say it’s all me – it’s fine. So that’s what I do, for a quiet life.

The last time he attacked me, he bruised me quite a lot on my arms. When the bruises started to some out he told me to put something on them to make them heal quicker and that I shouldn’t be such a wuss – I can take it. That’s what he thinks – I can take it. I tell him I can’t, but it makes no difference.
(detail removed by moderator) Then this morning he started again because I disagreed with him about something. As soon as I do that, he starts saying I have no conversation, no opinion, I just spout what my father says. He hates my father and think I treat him, like he thinks my father treated me, if that makes sense.

(detail removed by moderator)He says’ it’s my fault that he left his job, he was depressed, he just walked out of the last one, didn’t even bother discussing it with me and he talks about respect – it’s a joke.
I’ve told him before that I want to leave, that I don’t want to be with him anymore. He was so sad looking – I say looking because now I know it’s not real. Then he was nice for about a week, to get me back on side.

I fantasise about the day I’m free of him, I just need to organise myself and get out.

[Lisa]

Hi bellecat,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. You have been given good advice by the other forum users. You are explaining very serious domestic abuse which has escalated to a life-threatening level. You have said you know what you need to do and there is lots of support available for you to take the next step, when you are ready.

When it is safe for you to do so, I think it would be helpful for you to call the 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They will not tell you what to do, but are there to help with safety planning and to talk through your options.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[KIP.]

I agree the violence is escalating. You are traumatised and minimising. You don’t realise the danger you are in. Go to your GP or women’s aid. Tell someone. Photograph your injuries. Speak to a solicitor about getting a non molestation order.

[Author]

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