I think I’m done

[Pineapplepie]

I really think I’m done with him.

Over the last few months I’ve tried my absolute best to ignore the negative comments the constant put downs, how I’m strange, my family are strange and most of my friends.
in-fact he says everyone is strange but him.
i stopped bringing up anything he does that I don’t agree with as it usually turns back on me.
I get not to get drawn in to hiw stories to why he feels bad and sad about things and people in his life as that gets turned back on me. Now i won’t say he’s hasn’t done anything good for me, he really has but he tells me everything good he’s done for me over and over and then tells me the bad things I’ve done to him.

recently he has started just randomly questioned me. We’d have a normal conversation, for example about a Tv show and then out of nowhere he’d turn on me. And this is that physically affecting my nerves.

i did say it’s starting to affect me but it turns back on how I’ve give him mental health problems and he never had them until he met me.

what ever I do will be wrong and I’ll never be good enough.  Not so long ago he said basically said he was better than anyone else, when I ask what he meant, he quickly said he meant at work, but I think that was an incite it to was he really thinks

he also asked our child to say something to a person, (an innocent comment) to play on someone’s heart strings. They laughed about it and when I asked him why he’s asked our child to say that, he’s said because it’s manipulative, so we can get what we wanted.
he goes out to the shop he’s gone for a hour or so, usually for a pint but  I don’t know why he can’t tell me especially when I’m making tea. I think he’s drink driving so i start to think something bad has happened, he sometimes takes one of the children with him.

The other day he went out after work for a little bit, when I spoke to him he said he’s be ten mins and would come home to help with a child but he didn’t, he turned up (number removed by Moderator) hours later and never replied to a text or any phone calls.

he used to do this years ago but was gone for much longer, sometimes 12 hours.
So (timeframe removed by Moderator) when he nipped to the shop and then went to the pub I’ve got cross with him, but obviously it’s escalated and im the bad person etc

i can’t see a way forward, it’s scary as we live in a house which belongs to his family, I’m in debt and pay it off and the bills so that takes up most of my wage. Most of the debt is his, I think. Ive lost track as I’ve had the debt for years and years and I’ve no idea when it will be paid off.
so I think it went for a rental property I’d be declined, I doubt I could get a mortgage and the council housing waiting list is over ten years in the area I love in. My children go to school in this area, have friends and hobbies and I can’t take them away, it would break their hearts. They’re too young to understand so I’m stuck but I know that I can’t live like this.

After the argument my eldest was in tears asking us not to split up.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Pineapplepie

You speak very clearly of the wrongs being done, to you, the children and others, because he’s manipulating and can’t talk to you about anything you raise to him as an issue without turning into your fault, and refuses to be in a partnership with you over anything it seems.

It’s a worry too the size of the financial issue that could be keeping you stuck in your situation. I know there are some very good organisations out there to help with that, even if it’s only to start having the conversation about finances, to help you sort through it so you can get a handle on the issues, and what could be done about them for you to extricate yourself if/when needed. It does sound as if these debts stemmed from him initially, and that he is better placed to manage them given his greater financial security. There are links to many organisations under ‘support’ on here, but I know of one Step-change, if I recall correctly. Do try to make some steps to finding outyour options as this will give you information around which to base decisions that you are considering. The same for his behaviour and treatment of you, the more you talk to those who understand it, the better you will feel and the more informed to make decisions.

The pull to stay together for the children is strong, and seems to be a line endlessly handed out by abusers with the guilt attached of ‘breaking up the family’, but sadly that’s already been done by him. He’s already broken it, but the children are scared of change, especially so when their world is fragile for reasons of abuse, but with the abuse gone and separated from the children can start to see life differently, yes, painful to accept their father is abusive, even if they only think it’s to their mother, that is also abusive to them as it tears them apart watching his abuse to her too.

Keep posting and exploring your options with anyone who will listen, so that you can come to some conclusions for you and your children, and to get the support you need.

warmest wishes

ts

[Pineapplepie]

Thank you, I feel stuck. Not sure how to get out of it financially, he’s completely trapped me with this debt. I did it as a kind gesture and he promised to pay it off, but years and years later I’m still trying to pay it off, I’ve asked him so many times but tells me it’s now my contribution even though I pay out twice as much out as him each month.
i can’t end up homeless and I can’t leave the children with him.
I’ve looked at step change and they mentioned Iva but I don’t know how that will affect the future. It’s too much. I feel trapped. He tells me i deserve it (when I do something wrong) and his reactions are because of me. It’s been going on since we got together which was (timeframe removed by Moderator) years ago, I start to feel strong and I can do it but it seems everything is against me.

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