I think it’s time

[Choccomummagg]

Ladies I would like your experience and help and advice. I think it may be my time but I’m scared of the unknown.
I can’t phone WA now for a whole two weeks as oh is with me constantly from now until then.
Here’s some background info about my situation.
Been with husband a decade and we have a son. I have mental health problems which mean I don’t leave the house unless with husband or mum and dad. Over the past decade hubby has separated me from any of my friends that I had, grabbed me by my throat, twists my arms back, is very forceful in the bedroom and will sometimes hurt me if I don’t let him do what he wants to me. The past couple of years this has got worse and now he shouts at me and our son and has a very short fuse with us. After me pleading with him a few weeks ago this got better for my son but not me and now he’s slipping back to his old ways already.
What is likely to happen if I was to phone wa explaining I’m ready to leave? The most recent physical abuse he’s given me was the other day he slapped me when I was having an anxiety attack.
I don’t have any friends, I have no money and don’t drive. My family don’t know what has been going on but they support my husband more than me.
I don’t want anything bad to happen to my husband, we are all that he has but I have to put my son first. I’m very good at covering up what is going on but secretly I’m dead inside and need help

[diymum@1]

Hi there, if you contacted WA and they suggested refuge, would this be something you would consider? i dont think anyone could go on in the situation you are in at the moment. it sounds like he is taking full advantage of your disability. I know you dont want to get him into trouble, but once your out you may feel differently. can you confide in your parents? have you recorded whats going on in a journal? xx lots of questions lots of love diy x*x

[KIP.]

He sounds appalling. My mental health deteriorated rapidly when I got with my ex. I didn’t understand but he was behind my mental health injuries. He caused them. I found it hard to leave the house, had panic attacks, anxiety. Depression. It’s caused by living with an abuser. Look up n**********c victim syndrome, see how many boxes you tick. What he did to you was illegal. Assault. You need to reach out for help. WA will give you options. I can also tell you that childhood abuse will affect your son for the rest of his life until he gets good therapy. Trauma stunts our growth and mental health so imagine what it does to a child. Abuse always gets worse. Meantime educate yourself by reading about domestic abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Your abuser is not your responsibility, he chooses to abuse you x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi choccomummagg, well done in opening up. WA can help you put a safe exit plan in place, they’ll advise on any paperwork you should bring with you, but don’t worry if you cant as most can be duplicated. Are there any online bank accounts, amazon account, anything that needs a password that you both use. I have a book with passwords in, my OH doesn’t use it, gets me to type them when needed. This book will disappear when i do. Make sure you change all passwords. Have you managed to hide any money away or are you able to access any when you do leave? This is a very traumatic time for you, you’re so right that you need to leave now. Once you’re away from him, you can decide on what to do about everything else, in this moment it’s you and any children involved. Refuge conjures up sinethibg we’ve never experienced, my WA worker says they’re so much better than they used to be, plus remember it’s a safe place away from him with many women around for safety and importantly other children fir yours to be around too. Is there any one you can leave a bag with essentials in it, clothes, toiletries medication, paperwork, kids favourite toy/book. Things are replaceable, people aren’t.
Good luck my friend, I’m not overly religious, but i do believe, I’ll pray for you over the weekend💞
IWMB 💕💕

[Choccomummagg]

Thanks for your advice ladies
I have lived this way so long now thinking it’s all my fault because of my health problems but thinking more and more it all stems from him. I have been destroyed am I not the person I used to be, I am a shell and now I can see it. I leave my house once a week with hubbys permission and with him by my side, I have no contact with any money not even my benefits, I can’t even speak to people on the phone without hubby with me because I am scared of everyone and everything and feel so weak my self worth is non exsistent.
I have one person in real life that I can count on and that’s my mental health care provider. He says he’s ready to help me in whatever way he can when I’m ready to open up about everything. My mum and dad would not support me they blame me for every problem they can.
So now all I can do is wait for the next couple of weeks then if I’m strong enough I am going get some more advice from wa.

[KIP.]

Sadly we don’t choose our family. My ex drove me to have suicidal thoughts. It was definitely his abuse that destroyed my mental health. Keep educating yourself. There’s help out there. Keep a secret journal of his behaviour and read it back when you’re feeling confused.

[EbonyRaven]

You’re getting so much stronger every time you post, you’re amazing. Honestly, you’re fighting every day with your disabilities and you are also coming to terms with all this, as well as parenting. That’s quite incredible.
I hope you get the support you deserve.
xx

[Tiffany]

It should be relatively straightforward to change the bank account that your benefits go into. Honestly I think your only focus should be to get out and into refuge safely with your son. Almost everything can be sorted out from there. Especially as you have ended up in such a vulnerable situation. If you can leave with ID that will help you set up a bank account that you can get your benefits moved into, but honestly, even if you leave with absolutely nothing you can actually open up a bank account without it if you are fleeing domestic abuse – something that I learned from a friend who is a bank cashier with Halifax.

It would probably be helpful to find out the details of the benefits you receive. If you can’t move the paperwork without making him suspicious then maybe you could photograph them and save the photos to a secret email address?

Other things that can be helpful are packing a bag with some changes of clothing and your important paperwork, or putting aside money if you can. But if you can’t that is ok.

Basically all you need is to find a place in a refuge and get yourself and your son there safely. From there the staff can help you sort everything else out.

It is scary, but you can do it, and if you go into a refuge you will get the support to do it. Your disability sounds awful, but it will absolutely be made worse by the abuse, and once you are away from the abuse you can start truly healing.

[fizzylem]

Hey, so sorry to read what you are going through, this really is a shocking story and severe abuse.

I think you need to recognise that you can not help him nor are you responsible with regrd to what happens to him – he makes his own choices and he has chosen to abuse you and your son.

You could call SS if your son is under 16, speak with your GP, local refuge, the Police – they should have a domestic abuse team or an officer at the very least but you will need to request this department/officer.

Whoever you choose please make sure it is someone.

You are both clearly vulnerable and need to get out safely so whatever you do needs to be kept hidden from him for now until you know what needs to happen. You deserve to be seen and treasured for who you are and to have a peaceful life.

Make this stop for the both of you x

[Lisa]

Hi Choccomummag

It sounds like your husband is controlling and abusive in many ways, and i can hear it is escalating again, when you have a safe opportunity to do so, you can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247, you might want to call and leave a voicemail for them to call you back at a specific time, if your time without him being around is very limited, as long as you leave the voicemail at least a couple of hours before wanting the callback, they will be able to ring you at your specified safe time.

The helpline worker will go through your options, and you might decide that refuge is going to be the quickest way out of the relationship, the helpline can give you numbers of refuges you can call however this could be tricky if your husband is around you most of the time as a refuge will need to do a full referral over the phone which can take some time.

I would encourage you to contact your local domestic abuse service, they may have an email address you can be getting support over for the next few weeks until you are more free to talk on the phone, and you can ask for an IDVA which is an advocate that works with high risk DV survivors who should be able to help you with finding a refuge place, as it does not sound like it will be safe for you to be calling the helpline daily for vacancies. Sometimes it can take a little while to secure a suitable vacancy.

If things escalate please know you can call the police on 999 to get you and your son out and you can be put in emergency accommodation or refuge from the police station.

I hope this information is useful and we are here to support you every step of the way.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Choccomummagg]

Thank you ladies. I will keep you all posted.
Even though I don’t have a plan as yet I am feeling stronger already. I know I’m doing the right thing for my son. My husband had a little rant earlier f’ing and blinding at me and without thinking I just said oh just shut up and left the room. Hubby hasn’t spoken since but when I came and sat next to my son he whispered go mummy. So I’ve been on a bit of a power trip for the past few hours. I will probably have to face my punishment later but for now I feel like a strong woman not the little mouse
I have also emailed my local service so hopefully I will hear back next week from them.
Because of my health problems for so many years every time he hurt me or forced himself on me (still can’t stand the thought that he actually has raped me many times) or even when he just shouts sometimes I have resorted to suicidal thoughts. The only thing that pulls me through is my son. Now I have sworn to myself (and care provider) that I will stay no matter what I’m feeling I will cover them over and I will provide the best life possible for my son no matter what it takes
Thanks for listening ladies and I hope your all having a lovely weekend

[brandnewme]

Be very cafeful , he may escalate if he see’s you getting stronger , try and act the same if you can , my ex got alot worse when I became stronger. Talk to your mental health worker and tell them you are making plans, they may do a DASH assessment to work you level of risk. keep focused in my expeience and research they never change despite there promises ,

[diymum@1]

my youngest daughter told me the same ‘leave him mummy hes not nice to you’ i never listened – i wish that i had 🙁 im glad you managed to email thats sounds like a good option. This might take a while to get organised but uts totally doable with lots of support around you. if the situation escalates dont hesitate to call the police in to protect you and your son. you sound like a great mum and a lovely lady. I wish you all the good fortune in the world from here xx i know youl be fine take this step by step and make your priority to stay safe much luv diy mum xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi choccomummagg, my heart is soaring for you, i have a picture of you telling him to shut up and walking away💪 you are actually doing this, good fir you. Keep safe, he’ll definately be aware that you are gaining in confidence and wondering what’s going on. You know the tricks to look out for. Keep alert, keep strong, you and your son will be free of him soon. You’ve made my weekend. 💚💜
IWMB 💕💕

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