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Tonight I feel like I’ve had a turning point and I feel that I must cut off from him now. I feel very sad and deflated but more things have hit home and it’s time. I can’t go into specific details here but something happened tonight and he is treating me like dirt on his shoe now. He has absolutely no respect for me and there is no cycle of abuse to reel me back in, it is just abuse now. Very briefly he ended it with me (or rather his ‘counsellor(s)’ told him he couldn’t be with me and he is scared of me too….and thought it would be okay to meet me (detail removed by moderator) as long as there were security cameras in the vicinity….he asked to meet up with me let me say. So he then ended it after I’d said my bit of how much I loved him still and cared about him and that I would be willing to move forward after everything that he’s done and start again. It wasn’t good enough for him as he has the knowledge hanging over him that I went to the police over the small matter of him grabbing my throat but he is the wounded party here apparently. Anyway, I told him just to let me walk away and get back to my car. Next thing, from the man who ended it, there are 4 messages sent to me trying to explain it all and then an email (detail removed by moderator) – he’s out of control. I didn’t reply and then a few days later another message asking (detail removed by moderator). I ignored and then another saying (detail removed by moderator). Now, if you’re scared to be around someone and need to be near security cameras…would you want to go to (detail removed by moderator) with someone? I called his bluff and asked him where he would like to meet (detail removed by moderator) and he responded by saying what he meant was why had’t I replied to his messages. Then it was that he is skint and (detail removed by moderator). (A) I don’t trust him as he’s been skint before and nothing stops him going (detail removed by moderator) and (B) I don’t want him to have my money and to help him out. What a difference a year makes as last year at this time we were (detail removed by moderator) and so in love. We don’t even meet up now and the last time we did (detail removed by moderator), he ended it (or his councellors did) I am dealing with an addict here, a man who was/is an alcoholic but is over a year sober but I would say a dry drunk. So how do I cope with someone with an addictive personality and an abuser…
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He’s a callous person playing cruel mind games. You are right not to trust him. The only way to be free of the direct hurt he is causing with his childish games is to go no contact. You must block him everywhere. If you must send a message to say not to contact you again and if he persists (by physically showing up at places) you can deal with it accordingly.
Abusers need other people to blame for their actions. They can’t take responsibility and hate to be made accountable. You were right to report to the police. He threatened your safety. These people are skilled at making us feel guilty. They can’t forgive when we’ve shower strength and the will to survive so they punish through whatever means they know will hurt us most. They are not healthy people and need a lot of help. They either don’t seek it because that would mean being accountable and even if they do get help they are so difficult to change. If they could respond in healthy ways they would have done so. There are deep seated problems with people who abuse. It’s not something that can be fixed without it being a bitter war of attrition. It’s so much easier for them to carry on in their ways. It’s so hard when you love someone but they are sick and need help. It’s not help we are able to give and it an be dangerous. The time has come to put your needs first and lock away or dispose of feelings of love and/or admiration for our abusers. They can’t meet our needs. It’s not our fault that they abuse us. They make us feel like it but it’s not. You deserve so much more x -
Thank you so much for replying. I have wasted so much time and energy on him and trying to understand and been really ill not eating and sleeping. Weekends are the worst for me as we used to do everything together and he stripped all that away from me. It’s difficult because, even though I know he is unwell, he doesn’t show any of that in work and they all think of him as this great guy so I then start doubting myself and think it’s part to do with me because he’s got worse since his last partner. I know that. I still love him but that’s slipping away from me now as he doesn’t show me any niceties at all and maybe he will just go back to drinking and the excuse will be me as I ruined it all. I got him this far, over a year sober, but I think he is on a path of destruction. (detail removed by moderator). The scary thing for me is that we’ve only been together for just under (detail removed by moderator) years and this is the level of abuse he is at. I think he used me to get more work in my industry and I would tell people what a great guy he is and there is nothing in it for him now. Gone are the beautiful times, the great sex, the love, the attentiveness. Just can’t get my head around it really. How can you hid the real you for months. It must have killed him.
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Please don’t blame addiction or alcohol for his behaviour. He chooses to behave this way. Even if he chose to blame you for removing his alcohol, that’s no excuse for his abusive threatening behaviour. The fact he can control himself around others just proves he’s calculated and well in control when he wants to be. They always get worse. Worse within the current relationship and worse overall. The level of violence usually gets worse as time goes on too. With each relationship getting worse and worse. He’s not your responsibility. Keep the happy memories separated from the horrific person he is. You were happy and that’s what counted. There’s no closure to come from him now. You can bring your own closure by walking away safely with your head high x
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