I want to divorce but he makes threats

[feelingtrapped01]

 I am still feeling trapped. In my mind I want to leave my marriage and I have expressed this. I have gave him time to change but he just hasn’t, he did for maybe a few weeks and now it is same old issues and same old telling me I am to blame for everything. That I am an embarrassment, that I play the victim, he has started saying I am the real abuser. It is just so toxic, and I tell myself that it doesn’t matter who is the abuser, I am trying to make the decision to end the toxic relationship for the sake of our young child, so they don’t have to witness it or get the idea that a relationship should be this way. 

We have a toddler and a mortgage, and I work part time in a not greatly paid job, so it’s very hard, but what makes it harder is he won’t be amicable. He says I can file for divorce and he will agree, but he won’t ever see our child again, I will have 100% custody and he will kill himself. He says he can’t entertain the thought of co parenting. He says I am splitting up our family and ‘taking’ our child from him so I can have them – this is not my intention at all, it is not what I want for us or our child, and I have said I would be happy to agree to whatever works best with his work pattern (he has a very time consuming inflexible job). I feel like he is just punishing me, I worry he will also do this and then a few months down the line will be very nasty and say I have took our child away from him, try and take them etc. it feels so twisted what he is saying, why would he threaten to never see our child again?

Why can’t he just be amicable? Our marriage is so unhealthy, i am so deeply unhappy, why can’t he just come to an agreement?

(removed by Moderator). I don’t want to be in this marriage for the rest of my life, but I am so fearful of ending it and I don’t feel like I possibly can with the things he is threatening, and the things he is capable of in future. His family have a very strong hold over him and I worry the things they would also say to him and the influence they would have.

I just feel completely trapped and depressed. 

[Lisa]

Hi feelingtrapped01,

Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it has helped to post on the forum.

Just to say I have sent you a private message with some support but I will also add some details here in case it is helpful.

We have our Live Chat service where you can chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence. The Live Chat service is currently open 10am-4pm Monday to Friday. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Local domestic abuse services can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support to explore your options and help with making a plan based on your circumstances and what you want to happen. Your local domestic abuse service can be found via the directory here.

I understand how difficult things are for you and it can feel very overwhelming to know what to do and who to contact for further support.

Keep posting to us if you can, we are here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

My own break up was difficult and stressful, mainly also because of all the threats that he made.
Someone warned me to expect the worst and that however bad you think a break-up will be, it’s 100 times worse with an abusive person. I was glad they warned me because it meant that I was prepared, but in the end many of his threats were just that. They were designed to keep me in line, feeling too scared to leave, and to punish me if I did carry on with the separation.
He didn’t really want to be exposed into the light, and seen by others for what he was and so almost all the nastiness was reserved just for me.

It can help you by making sure as much as possible of the split is in ‘the public domain’. Make sure if you can, that in any situation there’s a third party ( and fourth, fifth and sixth!) to witness things and to guide you. This is where domestic abuse charities can help but also all kinds of others including friends and family and even acquaintances)

This is a fine line to walk, as many women find themselves misunderstood and isolated by others. But, in my opinion it’s also very valuable indeed to have the support of others in this process. My abusers number one aim was to isolate me, and I fought hard against that, even though it felt really tough sometimes.
I tried to stick to simple facts. In your case it would be just telling people that he has threatened to never see your child again and kill himself if you split up. You can leave it at that, and let people fill in the gaps for themselves .

It may be hard to leave, but the alternative is to stay forever. There are only 2 options as far as I can see.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps I dont want to tell you what to do and start bossing you about ( we’ve all had enough of that already!) but you are saying that you’ll fit in with his working hours and adapt yourself and your needs to make life easier for him.
Could I suggest that you start to think about only what’s best for yourself and your child. He already has all of society’s support, the well paid job, the ‘importance’ and respect that comes with that and the full weight of societies support behind him. You are doing all the hard work by the sound of it, for little reward.
He should be expected to do equal childcare ( one week on, one week off for example)and certainly not get away with just weekends or whatever suits him. You need to get back to work so you need your week free too.
In my experience, the more I pushed back hard against his entitled stance and stopped feeling obligated to pander to him, the better things went.
Every time I backed down and handed over my rights and gave  up on my  needs it encouraged him to take more advantage of me.

[Author]

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