I want to work and feel normal again but….

[countrygirl]

Have been in this hellish marriage for decades now, no physical abuse (come close a couple of times) mainly coercive control and emotional abuse.

I appologise if my post comes across as jibberish but that is the state I’m in, I can’t seem to make sense of anything at the mo.

Here goes….

I was ambitious and had begun a career (detail removed by moderator), We got together and I subsequently became pregnant by him. He made it clear that he didn’t want me to carry on with my chosen career, stupidly I bowed down and gave it all up to give my all to being a mum.

A good few years (and two more children)later, I re-trained and went into (detail removed by moderator). Did that for a couple of years then decided to give (detail removed by moderator) another go (despite him). Just as I was nearing the end of the recruitment process I suffered a traumatic event that really knocked me for six, I told myself at the time I had to carry on as normal and to be strong for my kids, I couldn’t crumble, they needed me to be the same ole dependable mum, (I managed to do this as hard as it was) but now over a decade since this trauma it has finally caught up with me. I know it’s because my children are independant and grown up that I don’t have to be strong anymore, It’s not a decision I came to, it just happened.

I am now in a situation where I can’t get out of this marriage now. My confidence has totally gone, my skills are outdated and the state of my mental health scares me! I have done the college thing and had two volunteering jobs but I’ve lost the will to keep trying now. I look at jobs everyday and I can’t do any of them, even applying feels too much for me to cope with. Can’t believe the state I’m in.

Anyone else been here?

[KIP.]

Hi, I had to give up work because of his abusive behaviour. With the trauma there is little headspace left. I find concentration difficult. Have you had some counselling?

[countrygirl]

Thanks for you reply KIP.
I have had counselling but not the right sort to deal with my specific experience (can’t type the word because I know it will be deleted by the moderator, it was something I witnessed a loved one do). I am on the 35 week waiting list for cbt but don’t hold out much hope of them being able to help me (been there and done it all before). I think the bottom line is there are some people for whom no amount of cbt will work, me being one.

I’ve tried all the usual stuff, volunteering, college courses, going to the gym etc. I am not one to give up easily but I am getting tired of being this low, it really feels like a downward spiral. I have no tolerance or patience when dealing with unreasonable people anymore (lets face it, there’s loads of them out there), if I was in a job and someone said a cross word to me, i’d give them what for and walk out!! (What’s the matter with me?)

My marriage is so toxic, I feel I have no say anymore as I am not contributing, everything is on his terms, what we buy, where we go etc, etc. You know how it is. Oh what it would be to be able to work and to earn a wage, the freedom it would give me.

What really scares me, is nothing changing, that this is as good as it gets for the rest of my life.

Can’t believe how negative I’ve become…this is what abuse men can drive you to!

I’m hoping someone can tell me that they were where I am now and managed to climb back up, I need some inspiration.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi,

I’ve missed out on promotions because I just can’t concentrate enough to write the applications, and he used every trick in the book to sabotage the couple of interviews I did have when I felt able to apply, so I went into them feeling like rubbish both mentally and physically.
I know I can do work at a higher level than I’m doing now, but if I begin to think of making an application the anxiety kicks in big time, so I totally understand what you’re saying.

Do you think it might be worth looking for something part time, just something simple to do for the moment, or would that affect any benefits?

x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Countrygirl, welcome to the forum. 💚 You sound in the exact same headspace as i find myself and it’s frustrating and scary to not be able to do everyday stuff, to be normal. I was always stronger than this, I’d never have allowed a man to make me feel this way without giving him a tongue lashing. It comes in waves, some days I can do the mundane, get washed, brush my teeth, get dressed, go for the messages. Others I can barely eat never mind interact with people. How on earth am I supposed to be able to hold down a job. I have chronic pain, don’t qualify for benefits as I am married, yet am terrified if I leave of not getting them. I KNOW exactly what I can physically do. Do too much and it floors me for days. I’m scared to leave in case i can’t manage financially, why should any of us have to choose this life because of the fear of not managing financially without them, of not being given time just in case these feelings go away and one day we’ll be okay to rejoin the workforce.
I’ve been in really good jobs, had my own business, yet here I am unable to work. I did have accidents which haven’t helped with my situation, but I’m sure the stress of being with him had greatly exacerbated things. He’s never told me, forbidden me to work. It was the usual sly words, you’re too good to be working there, or the boss fancies you it’s obvious he wants into you’re knickers…. he was young enough to be my son and he was so not interested as neither was I. I’d be ignored or berated if i was late in from work whichever he saw fit to use against me. He said he supported me in all my choices, going back to college, yet when it came to studying, staying up late, he’d moan I wasnt giving him enough attention.
I have no confidence left in my ability to be a good asset in the workforce.
I don’t know what the answer is tbh, I know by reading your post that there must be many many women in this position. Living in limbo, wanting to work but scared to, or really and truly unable to.
IWMB 💕💕

[countrygirl]

Thanks for your replies.
Ebony, I don’t claim any benefits, I am totally financially dependant on him. The area of work that I’m qualified in necessitates being a good communicator….my ability to do that has completely gone now along with my concentration too.

A word of advice Ebony (one thing I am pretty good at now!) hold onto your job, you may not realise it but it is your salvation.

Iwantmeback, gosh we sound so similar although you do seem to have held on to your sanity unlike me. I totally get everything you have mentioned…I was never a mouse either, I did stand up to him too, I told him right at the start that if he ever hit me we’d be over, little did I know about the other forms of abuse and boy did he let rip on me. The effects of their mind games are devastating aren’t they.

Because I haven’t worked for so long I won’t qualify for a full pension (still a long way to go before I reach that age (I had my children quite young)), so I’ve no idea what my future holds in that respect.

Can’t help reflect on life and think how one stupid mistake (marrying the wrong one) can totally mess up the rest of your life and much as I try, I just can’t get out of this mess. I know there is the option of refuge but I’m just not mentally strong enough to go through that whole process, when your having a mental breakdown you struggle to be able to even do the basics ie, get up, get washed etc, that’s where I’m at right now and it’s really scary.

I’m sure you’re right, there must be others like us out there, many women who (probably like me) read the posts on this forum and desperately want to write about their own situations but are silenced because they are too mentally “frazzled”. I find it exhausting having to use my brain to write this short essay!

My post seems to be all about Work/job and not so much about abuse, but it is because of the abuse that I have suffered over the years that I find myself in this situation.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi countrygirl, I’m holding onto my sanity but barely. He’s accused me of being crazy, gaslighted me to within an in inch of his reality, still does at times but i KNOW what’s he’s doing now. I thought i was going servile, early onset dementia, my dr arranged memory tests for me through nhs. there is nothing wrong with my memory, but that episode is looped on my notes, i have written notes going back years that now the trurh is out the notes verify ehat I’ve been going through. My doctor recently got an appointment with psychologist fir me. I asked to speak to someone as i didn’t know what else to do. It was a preliminary meeting, to find out what therapy would best suit my needs. Guess what, i dont have MH problems but i do have a crazy making husband. She told me i was incredibly unhappy and considering the pressure i lived with any other normal woman/ person would be exhibiting my symptoms too. She saw ME, countrygirl, that alone gave me some strength to continue. If a total stranger saw ME, the real me, then surely people out in the real world will see me too.
I won’t qualify for a full pension either. Just because you feel your post is more about work/jobs, that’s okay. We all begin our stories differently but the abuse we suffer is so very similar. Welcome to the forum it’s truly the safest, saddest, funniest place to talk on, without any great of being judged. Any questions, thoughts or worries, post away, we’re all here for you anytime.
The hardest thing is admitting to ourselves, once we do that, that’s the first step to getting away from them.
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Fear not great.few typos, forget to double check before posting

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I was reading your post and it brought back to me how far I have moved. When I first left, I was sent on a course to get a job but I had to step away as I couldn’t cope.

Everyone had to write about what they could do, but all I could hear in my head was him telling me I couldn’t.

Its taken years for me to feel like maybe I can do more. I’ve managed to get a normal job, but my managers get a bit exasperated with my attitude that stops me getting further as I still feel I can’t.

[countrygirl]

IWMB, you’re right it is really hard to accept that this is the situation I’m in, that for the first (detail removed by moderator) or so of our marriage he rode rough-shod all over me mentally (I’m beginning to remember more and more episodes now, it’s so painful isn’t it) and because I was so naive, I made it easy for him, this is difficult for me to accept, that I unknowingly allowed him to treat me the way he did/does because I knew nothing about emotional abuse.

I can well believe that you don’t have a MH issue, your’e merely showing symptoms of surviving. When I get out of the house, especially when I’m driving, things feel so much better, far from right but definitely much better. I find myself thinking this is what it would feel like to be away from him, living my own independant life. Oh if only I could get my head sorted out so I can get a job to earn a wage, I’d be out of here in a flash. Why is it so hard for me to do what the majority of the world’s population do…”work”!

I did leave him when my children were young but things were very different for me back then, I was working, I was much stronger mentally and it was before the trauma I experienced. Because I have been ground down by him so much I have now reached the point that I don’t care what he says or does anymore, I’ve told him exactly what I think of him, the effect he has had on me and that if I find a job I will seriously think about leaving for good. He knows the score now. Wish I had stood up to him before, I’m surprised how he’s backed off, it’s right what they say about these type of men, losing you is their worst nightmare. I know that not all women can stand up to their bloke for fear of physical abuse and I certainly wouldn’t recommend doing it, but I reached that point where I didn’t care what he did to me anymore.

I have experienced the fear of being physically abused by him, he has had me up against a door then punched a hole in the door within an inch of my face (I felt the rush of air on my face), he’s also driven at high speed with me in the passenger seat whilst he was in a rage, punching the dash…his face was like the devil, I pulled the handbrake on and ran, I was stranded in the middle of knowhere. I hid behind a hedge and I could here him driving by looking for me, yes he scared me. Looking back, I can see it was all scare tactics to stop me from leaving him.

I went back to him because I felt so guilty splitting the family up, he would cry in front of the kids, I couldn’t bear it anymore along with struggling financially. That was another big mistake, it has messed with my kids heads staying as a family with an abusive dad (he is mentally abusive to them too), so I have that guilt to live with, I should have stayed away for my kids sake.

I have through age and experience become more resilient and much less tolerant of negative people around me (to a fault now), I certainly won’t put up with his c**p anymore, I can see my change in attitude has hit him like a brick, but do you know what, I get no pleasure out of it, just sadness that he has made me the way I am. I truly resent him for it.

So you see, this is what these men can reduce you to if you stay, I am fully aware that the longer I am with him the harder it gets to leave, I am so desperate to get this work thing sorted. I desperately need to get back to being me again!

I hope the other women this forum are able to learn from my experience, especially those that haven’t quite reached that light-bulb moment when you realise that these men know exactly what they are doing, it’s all about controlling women, they get a huge thrill out of it.

[countrygirl]

Numpty,
When I get those “I can’t” feelings creep in which is most of the time for me just lately, eventually something inside me kicks in and I won’t give in to them. There is a little devil that keeps trying to drag me down but fortunately I also have a rebel that makes me keep fighting, otherwise known as “that fire in your belly”.

I know that if I keep giving in I will always stay down and I know the longer I stay down the more likely I am to never get anywhere. The thought of being kept down makes me naturally want to kick and fight back! I am getting tired of fighting though, but I’ll never give in.

Numpty, keep pushing those “cant” feelings behind you. Don’t listen to that little devil, he is trying to drag you down. I have seen people live their lives believing they “can” and they absolutely shine (I see it in my daughter and it’s a beautiful quality to have).

Grab your opportunities and go for it girl!

[Iwantmeback]

Countrygirl, you and I could be the same person writing under different names. Grabbing you hitting walls/ doors beside you, driving at high speed(apart from pulling the handbrake on and getting out).
We don’t have kids together, he was a dad to my children. My daughter adored him, my son was timid around him, but he always was a quiet soul even before my OH, so I didn’t think too much on it. I believed my oh when he said my son was playing up, he was trying to get his mum and dad back together, I allowed him to slowly become more of the disciplinarian. It was always my job in my previous marriage and it was nice that someone else was talking that responsibility. It was soon used against me, anytime I’d tell my daughter off, my oh would laugh at me and tell her to pay me no heed, yet he was so much stricter with my son. So much that I felt as if I was always fighting his corner. The times I was accused of undermining him!! When I look back on how my son was treated by him(worse when my daughter left to live with her dad)I have no words to excuse me letting it happen. It came to a head eventually and my son left to live with his dad. I thought I was giving them a family, stable environment. Guidelines and boundaries, all I did was allow a monster into their lives.
They do have the face of the devil. I’m like you I won’t be cowed down(not for long anyway)I’ll always give as good as i get, now i dont bother. I see it as anither wheel in the cycle of abuse. He can’t get a rise out of someone who wont get pulled into a fight. I’m finding other ways of fighting back, grey rock is one of them. He’s sick and tired of me not talking to him,answering him when he askes something but why talk to someone who doesn’t listen to you anyway, has no interest in your opinions. You sound incredibly fiesty, like many of us really are, sometimes we forget that, that that was what attracted our oh to us in the first place.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

Posts