i was at a deep low yesterday and…

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

After seeing my solicitor, I got to realize the financial struggle i will be in with the divorce. Lots of unanswered questions making me feel insecure and worried, lost, totally lost.
A friend from Al Anon rang me, I melted into a big crisis. I explained my worries, comparing her financial safety to my lack of money safety, at least my perception of it. This friend is well off.
She said “you haven’t lost everything, you still have you…”
I said what does that mean…it won’t house me, feed me, care for me, secure my future and everything else”.
I was terribly angry. I was wrong. I was in deep crisis. So I went to the Al Anon meeting last night, found only the regular three ladies who have been attending for years. I crumbled totally, looking for an answer, an anchor, a form of truth and certainty (detail removed by moderator)I kept promising those ladies i would cheer up. And I did! (detail removed by moderator), the days reading was about needing the husband to sober up, I read stop abusing, I kept commenting as I volunteered to read the page, and eventually I smiled, I even laughed.

I will start looking for a sponsor soon as I know I need one. My childhood memories of my parents’ drinking haunt me. I know they do because I feel nothing knowing my dad is in hospital seriously ill. I stuff my feelings by ignoring them, I suppress them, I don’t allow them to come to the surface to be expressed.

Maybe I do the same with the abuse I experience. Maybe I am in fact beginning to express the repressed rage I felt when I could not tell my mum please Ma, stop drinking. Stop.

I have purchased the book “Hope for Today” from Al Anon. I need to speak with adult children of alcoholics. I now understand how we get into abusive relationships with alcoholics as we want to mother them, fix them, change them.
It doesn’t work, you can’t fix alcoholics, and you can’t fix abusers.

[lover of no contact]

So true we can only change ourselves.

Bridget you seem to be doing great. You got away from him which is a huge miracle. No more than myself you were very trapped and there seemed there was no way out. But a way out was found. I too was daunted by the financial losses and worries and difficulties but money problems worked themselves out. It took time and patience but keep getting those al-anon meetings and coming on here and the solutions will appear and you will be guided.

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