I was in a refuge as a child and now I may need to return as an adult

[Fay of the North]

So yes growing up I ended up in a refuge. It was a bad experience for me as a child. The other children there were troubled and its not really their fault but I felt unsafe around them. One girl kept pulling my trousers down and another time my top and laughing at me, an older teen boy made sexual creepy comment to me.

Then the childrens therapist was concerned that I was isolating myself from the other kids 🙄. Honestly it was probably the best thing I could do for myself.

I ended up like a year there because we were struggling to get alternative accommodation.

And now I ended up myself in an abusive relationship of a different narure than my father was. Somehow I find it a much less extreme case, I mean nothing could match my father he was sadistic and lacked empathy. But all this abuse has left me so weak and I seem to have developed PTSD. I just can’t do moving out on my own, I’m in constant anxiety.

So I was considering an option of a refuge because of my mental health which has been declining, I’m struggling to cope and the thought of planning to get accommodation and do everything on my own is overwhelming to the point I can’t do it. At the same time like it’s an overreaction and disproportionate and that u should do it myself. I feel shame for having to return. This pared with the fact as I described the refuge wasn’t a good experience for me as a child. But there is a side of my that thinks this is probably the best option currently especially considering my mental health.

I know I’m rambling I guess I am just after some reassurance.

(Not to sound like I don’t respect the work that is being done with refuges, I do. I just have a lot of conflicting emotions about it all)

[Mellow]

I was in a refuge to lucky for me I’m not needing to go back if that’s the best option I would return.i didn’t like the refuge much either someone stole the little toys I had to play with and one lady pushed us out our bedroom so her older son could stay in it.but I do have some positive experiences picking blackberries in the garden and some women what looked after us scrubbing my knees red roar saying they were dirty when it was the actual colour.everyone there has come from different backgrounds of abuse.do you have a counsellor you could speak to from womens aid in your area they could help you find accommodation and get you on housing register based on abuse .rather than go in a refuge unless you absolutely can’t bare home life it’s your decision.i really didn’t like the idea (detailed removed by Moderator) it would of disrupted school life I remember not liking changing schools a lot or moving around so I went down the council route for my childrens sake and I may have a house soon. all the best

[Fay of the North]

Yes it seems to be the best option… Dispite all my conflicting feelings

I have zero support where I’m at. My close family has abused me so can’t reach out to them. No close friends because I had to deal with my partner’s rages after I went out. Just mental health problems. Only thing that keeps me going is my job but I’m worried for it as I restarted getting some flashbacks and disacocating, I really can’t afford to get worse and damage this opportunity that I worked very hard for.

And well home life became a mental torment now I’m not in denial anymore. I can no longer sleep in the same bed that he pinned me down by my throat on. I just can’t.

I need to go, I tried looking for flats but no one has replied to enquiries 😣 I can’t spend months this way trying to get accommodation in secret and being afraid he finds out and goes into another rage.

I’m so grateful I don’t have kids with an abusive partner, my heart really goes out to you ladies that do xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fay of the North

I think you are showing a great deal of self-awareness and realising your limitations. Its completely fair enough when you are suffering abuse to feel unable or overwhelmed, especially when it comes to moving.

Do you have anyone that can help, in a professional capacity I mean. There are a lot of contacts out there if you can get linked into them, if you have the energy to do that, as it does take energy also keeping trying to reach out to get help. Would an organisation like Mind be something you could link into? They may have something in your area. Also DA in your county locally. Its harder and harder to get help I think with everything shrinking in funding as it is, but hopefully you will find someone who can get you started and work with you on finding and viewing places, or maybe even able to get you out short term so you can find somewhere else once you have left, you may then have the energy you need to do some of it for yourself. I have heard that not all refuges will allow a shorter term, but maybe they would take on board your circumstances as being part of the problem fo ryou being in a refuge any longer than is absolutely necessary. I am sorry you had that experience in refuge. There are so many severe consequences of abuse in so many different ways that can make it so difficult, but I am surprised that you were allowed to play together unsupervised, its a known risk and therefore all the children need protecting from themselves and others after their experiences, they adopt abuses and learn to fight hard, probably through fear, but have lost normal boundaries, and you do sound like you knew absolutely what the safest thing to do was, but it was badly misinterpreted, what a let down for you.

Its important to be somewhere you feel safe and if you don’t feel safe you should be able to say that. I have to say I didn’t feel safe, we weren’t safe, and although there was some action taken, it didn’t alter the fundamental issues for us. All are different though, and moves are possible.

Hope your strength will grow in speaking here and reaching out irl to get you moved away and yes, its so hard to keep going once everything is suddenly clear yet you are still in close proximity with him. Staying safe whilst still there is a priority, and if you haven’t had advice around this its worth talking to an agency, maybe the chat on here with WA, or the National Helpline, whoever you can get through to.

warmest wishes

ts

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