I was still letting him affect my decisions

[kitty]

Some of you may remember I posted a few weeks ago about feeling as though I HAD to have a termination after getting pregnant with my new partner. I was a mess and terrified of what might happen if I kept the baby. My other kids were made subject to a special guardianship order coz of my ex and how he affected my mental health. My new partner was in a relationship for a lot of years whereby his ex kept having kids to ‘trap’ him. He was very unhappy in that relationship, and she was very controlling over him. I had my issues from my past. We both went into panic mode and we decided to have the termination. Now we are both in such a mess and all we want is to have a child together. It was the worst decision we could have made. Now I can’t eat, neither of us really sleep, we don’t go out, we cry all of the time and generally just feel awful. We have decided to have a baby, but the lady at the clinic gave me a depo injection she said lasts for 12 weeks. I later found out it can take up to 2 years to fully wear off. We’re devastated.
If one good thing has come of this, is that I am so angry with myself for letting HIM into my head over all of this that I have started to fight back with a vengeance. I am reporting all of the sexual assaults, all of the stalking, taking him to court for everything I can and have finally got access to the joint account he told me I was not allowed to use. He is trying to bully me of course, but I’m like a femme fetal right now and I am getting him sorted out once and for all. He is actually going to prison very soon for other offences so I will have the upper hand for once! He will get what he deserves and I will get my happy life that I deserve.
I’m just so depressed at the moment and all of this ‘justicing’ that I’m doing is taking my mind off the pain I feel over my baby 🙁

[lover of no contact]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain and loss. You did the best you could at the time. You were under so much pressure at that time on all sides, I remember your posts at that time. We are all only human, we are all just doing the best we can on any day at any given time. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. And keep posting for support.

[Ayanna]

Do not let this decision devastate you. You need your energy for closing the abuser chapter. That will take some time. After that you can try for another baby. Ask a naturopath how to cleanse your liver. Then your hormones will be up to scratch sooner.

[kitty]

Hi, thank you for your replies. Ayanna, I have angus cactus and cassanovium but after a quick google of naturopath liver, I have found some other natural suppliments that can help. I will be buying those today lol. We’ve both lost so much already and this kind of feels like a self inflicted loss. I must say it feels worse to me than any of the abuse I suffered, if that makes sense.
When I was with the abuser our relationship was ok, until we found out I was pregnant (planned). It seemed to flip a switch in him and he suddenly became very cold and hurtful. I am wondering if somewhere in the back of my mind this memory influenced the decision over my baby…….Maybe I was scared the same would happen again?
I’ve recently started a divorce and have reported my ex to the police for what he did to me. The fact that he is going to prison soon makes this easier as I don’t have to worry about retailiation. Those wonderful people at social services gave him my new address after they decided he had been abusive to me. Still trying to figure that one out!?

[Author]

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