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So I went back to him as I missed the good in the relationship. Two days later he had a holiday booked and just went I really did not want him going as we just made up and I wanted him to make the effort in our relationship, to show me he cares and has changed. He said he was verbally and emotionally abusive because he wanted to push me away as he had a lot on in his life. I even went back and then I feel like he has made no effort. He is on holiday enjoying himself whilst I feel used and I feel nothing. I am so scared as I seeked comfort in another man and if he finds out he will hate me. I’m trying my best not to go back in just scared that I will. What is wrong with me? 🙁
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Nothing is wrong with you Anonymous. It is so hard to just simply leave and that be that. I don’t know your full situation but what counts is that you have left him now. And a huge well done to you. Have you thought about going no contact with him, if you can or feel able to? Or at least limiting it?
What he says about him being emotionally and verballt abusive because he had too much on and wanted to push you away – my god, that is a horribke thing to do! If you aren’t able to sustain a relationship you end it in the best, less hurtful way possible. Like an adult. Not abuse someone! I’m sorry to say but what an excuse and a half. You deserve someone who has more respect for you. He is basically saying he doesn’t have time for anyone but himself and he is happy to be cruel to someone or anyone in the process.
I also feel the pull to go back to my ex/partner. I’ve gone no contact now but early days and he has still managed to get in touch. I deeply miss him despite the emotional (and since thinking about things, possibly sexual) abuse. I miss the good bits and I have the deep desire that he will change but not sure of the possibility of this. It is the hardest thing to not go back. You aren’t alone.
Stay safe x*x
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Go no contact. Write a list of abusive incidents to look back on when you are tempted to return. You have done incredibly well to leave again so quickly. Well done for realising that things weren’t going to change. I would also talk to people about what happened. Your GP is a good professional to tell. But I also found telling friends and family really helped me stay away. It sounds stupid, but when I decided to leave my abuser I told my parents, my sister, my best friend and my work colleagues before I told him. It felt treacherous, but for me it was the only way I could stay strong and see the break up through. It sounds stupid. I met him in a public place. He tried to persuade me to come back. And the only reason I didn’t was because my sister was waiting for me to call and say I had done it and she would come and get me. I even had a time I had to call her by. So I couldn’t stay too long. Crazy of course, but it worked. Abuse thrives on secrecy. If you can break it it really helps.
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Hey starreyeyed he does not have my contact number he can only contact me by email. I am trying it is just really difficult. I was deluded thinking he would change and make the effort to make out relationship work. I keep trying but then I feel like he leaves again as for his holiday. The other night he send me an email as he went out saying he has no charger and his phone was off all night up until the next day afternoon. I was so worried and paranoid. I don’t get why he leaked me feel this way I just want to be happy again. Deep down I know he won’t change he showed me how much I meant to him when I was breaking down over our relationship he got on a plane. You are doing so well try not to go back To him. You deserve so much better. I reckon we will get there it just takes time and it’s made me feel so weak like I feel like I need him.
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Thank you Anonymous, you deserve so much better as well and you are doing really well for leaving him too. I broke up with my ex/partner 4 times and he is still contacting me, despite my not responding. I think there is a way to block on email as well but I’m scared of blocking him on everything – like the total letting go and not being able to keep my eye on him and email feels less damaging. I am keeping them in a separate folder so they are hidden from me, and keeping as evidence. I actually left when he was arrested and kept in a cell, I left in the morning before he was released so I have not told him we are over face to face. He did say this was very unfair on him – in a normal relationship I wouldn’t have broken up over a message and would have done it face to face but in a normal relationship I wouldn’t have called the police. Again another way he is minimising and normalising his behaviour. I don’t know if you feel like this but it almost feels like whatever we do/say/act is never the right way, the bar keeps being moved around and we don’t know then rules of the game. I was told by a professional that the only way is to simply not play.
Have you done the Freedom Programme before? You can do it for free through your local Women’s Aid, it may be worth giving them a call and meeting them? I’m due to start soon and heard good things about it, should help us get a better understanding and feel less confused about it all. Knowledge is power and all that <3
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Hey Tiffany wow you have done so well. I told my cousin yesterday but not everything that’s been happening. I’m so scared and feel like I am on my own with it all. I just want to move forward and then I feel like I can’t. He makes me feel like it’s my fault. Right now I feel like I need someone to save me, hold me tight and tell me it’s going to be okay. I know I have to stand up on my own feet and be strong enough to do it myself but I’m struggling and I don’t know who to turn to anymore I feel ashamed to tell anyone what’s been happening and I don’t want to worry them.
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I just wanted to say it will be okay Anonymous <3 You can call the helpline to talk it through with a professional? They are a good place to turn and it is good to hear someones voice support you who really KNOWS about this stuff, and don’t feel bad for telling them absolutely everything because that is what they are there for <3
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I was with my abuser for years, not understanding why the effort I was putting in didn’t make the relationship better. I planned to leave in my head many times. I set dates – ‘if it’s not better by Christmas I will leave’, if it’s not better by Easter’, ‘If it’s not better by my birthday’. And I never did. For me breaking the silence was a key part of the escape. It helped me see that other people didn’t view me the way he did, and that actually the abuse wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t tell everything all at once, but gradually I told people about what he said to me and how he treated me and they were all so horrified. It really helped me stay away. That confirmation that what he did wasn’t normal. Complete no contact helped too. I had to stay in contact at first as he was living in a flat rented in my name and we had a joint bank account – things I had to get sorted out. Then I thought he was being reasonable and that it was fine to keep my phone number, email address etc, even though he knew them. I was sick with fear every time my phone rang though, and he started contacting me again, and so in the end I changed both my number and my email, blocked him on social media unfriended his family and close friends, and let everyone know not to pass information on about him. It was hard at first, and I didn’t do it all in a oner, but once it was done I realised just how much it helped. I really wasn’t responsible for him or what happened to him. O had felt like I was for years. But I wasn’t, and once I was away from his influence I could finally look after myself again.
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I’m glad you got out of the relationship. I have left and he is still emailing me that’s the only contact we have. I have not responded. But beginning to feel like it’s my fault dont know why maybe in my mind I want to fix it. I know I need time on my own and I need to help myself and build myself stronger but why do I fall back with abusive partners. I miss that moment of happiness he gave me and I feel so lost and isolated without it. I am going to move forward on my own but then I need to rely on a xx partner. It’s so difficult to get through this. 🙁
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