I went on a date!

[Aliceinwonderland]

So still in process of separation though not lived together for months. After years of dressing a certain way, not being allowed to do so many things, emotional abuse (occasionally physical) and ridiculously controlling behaviour. I got fed up, he still stalks and tries to control. Asks so many questions and I have started rebelling. I went on a dating app (I am blocked by him as he controls internet settings). I figured a way around it and I Started chatting to someone who was sweet and kind, went on a date. (A relative of mine gave me lifts andit was very public). Etc. It was lovely in fact.
The crazy thing is I will be speaking to my therapist because chronic insomnia and anxiety persist and I am still in midst of messy divorce. The fact I feel I have been naughty and worried about his reaction is a sign that all is not well. Still lots of recovery ahead of me, still fighting for my freedom.
But the date was a pleasant distraction and I enjoyed it. It felt like a normal thing to do and I felt like I was in control of my life for first time in a long time. I made decisions and there was no awful consequence. There is still a long way to go but I felt I took a step forward today .

[maddog]

Well done! I’still on the road to recovery & have met someone nice. WA are being v protective of me. Things are moving at the speed of a glacier.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I’m glad you are moving forward Maddog and slow is definitely best, give yourself all the time you need. I’m not keen for another relationship tbh but I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it (relative literally waited in car outside venue for me). I’m glad I did it but it is just one little step. I know apps have very dodgy people on them, and I will be having a good chat hopefully with my therapist soon as nothing is simple atm.

[maddog]

Those dating apps are well dodgy… The photos people put of themselves are off the scale. And the cars, the fluffy toys… the people who call themselves Director. Of what I wonder. Perhaps they run a bath? It might be a keep fit exercise running away from these people.

I hope you are able to enjoy yourself. I was never unfaithful to my ex. Sometimes I think it would have been easier had I been when the opportunity arose.

[Anabela]

It is such a positive post!!!! It is nice to go on a date. It is a nice distraction. It’s good you took all the neccesary precautions and had a good time!!

Maddog, I read your sentence of men from Dating apps calling themselves Director and I was laughing 😀 I haven’t been on dating site for ages and probably would be quite scared to do so although I know a couple who met on dating app and turned to be in a serious relationship.

And i have got a mild crush on my coursemate. It is still quite early for me to think of another relationship (I promised to myself  years to recover). But I am quite please with a fact that I am capable to like someone else in that way. So my ex was not the only man in the world.

[maddog]

I really wasn’t thinking of another relationship. I was curious and someone responded. We met up and took the dogs for a walk.

I find myself wittering away like a nervous wreck. It is so good to know that there are other men out there.

I am struggling to believe what I have put up with for so long in my marriage and it seems that more and more people are saying to me that my ex has frightened or threatened them in one way or another. It’s scary.

[Indiamalachite]

Well done!!!! x*x

[Aliceinwonderland]

I think it’s a struggle for us all in this community. Learning that there are people out there who are not a threat and are good honest people. I recently read a book called ‘women who run with wolves’ and it’s been brilliant, it’s about ancient wisdom we have abd how society tries to repress us and moderate/ change our behaviour to fit in, be good housewives/ mums etc. I’d love to be able to trust my instincts and intuition again, after years of ignoring red flags etc left me in the position I was in. I have been quite brutal and cynical with the app, and used it to get what I wNt for now (which it did luckily). A nice chat and flirt with someone with no other expectations or pressures 😊 x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
I don’t think that is brutal or cynical by the way. And it is really good to be able to voice these things on here.

It seems to be that in handling dating apps appropriately you have set your boundaries. It is really good to hear about other women doing this.

Having had a relationship since my ex – there was an element too of ‘testing’ something out – almost to see if it still worked. That sounds weird I know. But for a while it was fun and felt constructive.

No, though I don’t know looking back. He was a recovering alcoholic and although when I met him he had been dry for some years, some years later he relapsed and at that point I drew my boundaries very tightly. I didn’t go to his place and he wasn’t coming to mine.

I’ve now got to the point where I have been clear for a long time that we don’t have a relationship.

I have very strong feelings for someone else I have got to know. I am sure they are a lovely person but because I am not currently in work (I have just finished a degree) – I really don’t feel that confident about myself right now – I haven’t breathed a word of it to them (yet). Although if you ask me – any woman in that situation – would have noticed already that when I speak about them to anyone else it is in (professional) but generally really glowing terms – so that if that were me listening to it – I would notice immediately. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

I think maybe I haven’t acted on it because I don’t want to know if the person is attached or not. Or maybe I am just enjoying that long distance feeling of being in contact with a kind (man) who I don’t have to do anything about…ideas on that one …welcome…

I loved that book – women who run with the wolves too. On my best days I feel like I am making choices for myself regarding lives of my babes and I going forward. Also about feelings and sexuality and such. So I applaud these attempts going forward for the lovely ladies on here to try things out (moving like glaciers as you say) – and find out how they feel.

Why should the blokes make the rules?

I tried the odd up-market dating site but would not post a photo as I just didn’t want to. Got some weird responses.

all best
ftc
x

[Aliceinwonderland]

I agree freedom to choose, men shouldn’t be allowed to make up all the rules. With regards your current crush, I had 2 whilst still with the ex and never acted on them. At the time it was escapism because I was in a horrid situation and couldn’t see a way out. Also I would never have spoken to another man or dressed to provoke because I was under his control. In hindsight there was no harm in having a fantasy about a man and it coming to nothing. Often the fantasy is more enjoyable than the reality. There is a reason or a feeling you have for not acting on it at the moment so trust yourself x*x

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks Alice what a lovely thing to say in solidarity
all best ladies
x

[Author]

Posts