If he did it once is it abuse

[ryusaki]

My ex partner was always really suspicious that I had cheated on him and I adjusted my behaviour to keep him in a good mood. I know that’s wrong but some things he only did once and from then on I changed my behaviour- is that more on me as someone who is over reacting? For example he once looked at my knickers and was really suspicious asking me if I’d changed them so from then on if I had a shower I’d put the dirty knickers back on. Another time he thought I was looking at a man in the street so after that I wouldn’t look at men when we were out so he wouldn’t get in a mood. With these examples he’s only done the thing once so is it still bad? He did other things like put find my iPhone on my phone

[KIP.]

You shouldn’t be changing behaviour because of him. It’s coercive and controlling. He’s basically training you to behave the way he wants you to. And you comply because of his possible reaction. When you looked at a man in the street. What did your partner do or say to make you alter your behaviour. Did he frighten or threaten you. Has he frightened or threatened you because it only takes one outburst to make us change our behaviour for fear of a repetition. But this behaviour will get worse. You walk on eggshells frightened to simply be yourself.

[ryusaki]

Hi thank you for your reply he just asked me why are you looking at him but he does this accusatory tone and it’s not threatening but i don’t like it it makes my heart beat fast and I feel tense he can be very moody. I have to play dumb and pretend that I don’t know what he’s suggesting because once I asked if he was suggesting I had cheated when he said (removed by moderator) and he was like no why have you got something to tell me? Acted like that’s not what he was suggesting at all. He’s never hit me or said he’s gonna hit me I’m not sure why I comply

[KIP.]

Accusing you of something you haven’t done will make you anxious especially if he does it often. You don’t like it, your heart beating fast is anxiety a d he’s causing it, if you have explained this to him a d he continues then he’s being abusive. Ignoring your boundaries and requests and someone who doesn’t validate our feelings isn’t nice to be around. I think you should talk to your local women’s aid or ring the national domestic abuse helpline. There seems to be more going on here and I’m seeing red flags in this relationship. Google gaslighting. It can leave us feeling confused and like we are losing our minds. Abuse isn’t always physical.

[Eggshells]

If you take all of the one offs, then collectively, they form a pattern of behaviour which is repeated. The repeated behaviour is that he controls you. Some of the things you have mentioned are incredibly personal and that makes it really concerning for me. He is controlling you on a micro scale and slowly you are loosing the power to make even the smallest decisions.

He has picked up on the things that make you comply. He has discovered that you react compliantly when he uses certain nuances that may sound totally benign to others but are frightening to you. Doing something as personal as inspecting your underwear and telling you when you are allowed to change it is demeaning. It puts him clearly in the role of “critical parent” and you respond as a “frightened child” might – you comply.

This may be a response that he has instilled in you or it may be the response you learned as a child when one of your parents criticised you. Either way, he’s learnt how to control you so that he can micro manage your life.

From what you have said, this is a very destructive relationship for you and you could quickly loose who you are because you’re so busy bending to his will.

I would strongly recommend that you read a book called “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. You may well find that you are being exposed to more abuse than you realise.

[ryusaki]

Thank you for your replies. I’m not with him anymore but I will have to have some contact because I’ve only just had a baby with him. I’m just struggling a lot with what happened and I miss him and I want to be back with him but I don’t think he behaves normally.

I did tell him that I didn’t like the accusations but he’d just say that he wasn’t accusing me of anything and he wasn’t mad when he clearly was moody. I wanted to keep him in a good mood all the time and even now we don’t live together it puts me on edge to displease him. When I was pregnant I would come home from work tidy the house quickly and get tea on because he’d be in a better mood if I did that I would never have felt comfortable to get straight in the bath or lie on the sofa. If I got a missed call my stomach would drop and I’d text him to explain why I didn’t answer because he’d text me and ask why I wasn’t answering and once I said it’s on silent he asked why. I took the find my iPhone off when he was really moody and mad once it said that I was (removed by moderator). When he knew that (removed by moderator) about the find my iPhone tracker he said he wouldn’t be near my family again because they’d judge him. My parents get annoyed at me now when I do exactly as he says since we’ve broken up but if I don’t I get really anxious. He never hit me or said he was gonna hit me. He threatened my parents when I stayed there for a night and asked him to visit our daughter there. I know he could beat people up he’s trained in martial arts and (removed by moderator)

[KIP.]

He sounds really abusive and dangerous. Contact your local women’s aid and don’t put his name on the birth certificate. What you describe is coercive and controlling behaviour and it’s illegal x you can talk to the domestic abuse police unit for advice too.

[KIP.]

Showing you moves to choke and break limbs is intimidating you. It’s threats of violence.

[ryusaki]

Even if it was in an educational way? Like he is a (removed by moderator) and was showing me the moves not doing them properly on me. I was pregnant though and sometimes heavily pregnant suppose that’s not normal

[Eggshells]

Even if he veiled it as educational!

He sounds very similar to my ex. He used covert menace to control me; it was hard for most to spot it and some thought I was being neurotic when I told them he was abusive. He started keeping weapons, visible and by his bed. I can’t say the reason he gave for this because it would be identifying. I believed the reason he gave – innocently – until I told my counsellor about it. She pointed out the real reason and although I found it hard to accept, I knew deep down that she was right.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
Gosh, It’s crazy how we believe our abusers completely, but when we say it to others, especially here to people experienced in abusive tactics, they can spot abuse tactics immediately. Now you made me remember my ex getting up one night and bringing a large kitchen knife upstairs and putting it on (detail removed by Moderator) saying he thought he heard something. I thought it was innocent, but actually it made me nervous and sometimes if he got up at night I would check where he was going…it was up there a year or more before i left, i never though to move it, i would of definitely been told off. I always read about ‘using weapons to intimidate’ but you never apply it to yourself. Thats why reaching out is so important.

In your case also. To me, the fact he controlled you however seemingly covertly, you changed behavior for him AND He showed you how much damage he can cause a human being says it all.
Only if there was absolutely no control going on and he showed you the harm he can inflict on a human being maybe then it could be harmless. However even then it doesn’t seem right, are you ever realistically going to break someone’s arm etc? Isn’t it more realistic to show you basic self defense??
Keep reaching out and questioning his behavior x*x

[ryusaki]

That sounds so terrifying to keep a knife in the bedroom… but like you say I don’t think you want to realise what they’re actually doing. He would talk very aggressively about people who annoyed him like “he’s lucky that we’re in work…I’ll do him” “I’ll have my hood up he won’t even notice me” I used to laugh it off but when he threatened my parents I took it seriously because I just thought back to what he’s actually capable of. He can manoeuvre people with his whole body choke them with his feet legs arms anything.

I’ve been thinking that a lot of it was in my head like when tea was ready and he was in the shower I used to run up and tel him because I was scared of him coming down and it being cold and him being in a mood and I said this to him once about I didn’t want you to be annoyed if it was cold and he was all lovely like why would I be annoyed? Don’t be silly. Then I’d question myself and think no I’m sure he’d be annoyed. He would never outright say to me don’t wear makeup to work but I just thought it’s not worth him being suspicious I just won’t wear any. Once I was putting on makeup to go shopping and he said you don’t need it you look nice without it and I said no I want to and he said if you put on makeup I’m not going shopping with you I laughed it off and then when I was ready he said I told you if you put on makeup I’m not going out shopping with you

Finances was always a stress for me. He owed me a lot of money (Mostly bill money he didn’t pay)that he paid me as soon as we broke up. He always said I’ll give it you on maternity leave but I was so skint that I’d have to ask him to transfer me little bits while he would spend money on himself but I wouldn’t have been skint if he would have just paid me what he owed me every month like half of bills.

Sorry for a rant I’m just very confused at the moment we have a baby together and I want to get back with him but somethings telling me it’s not safe for our baby

[Eyesopening]

Wow it’s crazy how I just didn’t think much about it. He also would talk about getting a gun but like he was doing it for our protection. I said I wouldn’t live in a house where there was a gun. Felt like he brought it up just to wind me up.
I had the same thing with finances, i paid for everything and was always poor. He spent his money on what he wanted knowing i would be the person picking up the house and food bills. Even after we split he asked me to pay a bill. He never accepted that he owed me anything. Keeping record of his debt made him angry.

He sounds extremely scary, listen to your doubts, there is a reason you left and are here. Lean on all resources possible X*x

[ryusaki]

What excuses did he give for not paying bills? Or did you just not dare ask?

[Eyesopening]

Oh all sorts,
He was ‘investing in his business which is so we can have a future together’
‘He paid june, july rent and all winters electric’
Kind of, like I couldn’t say anything.
Once he was talking about buying a suit. I said you can’t, you need to put rent first. He swore at me and told me he had paid for this that and this.
I had to write everything down that i paid for so I actually remembered and realized that year after year i was paying for everything, he would have me believe I wasn’t.
Xx

[Eyesopening]

So gaslighting basically

[ryusaki]

Yes bet you were doubting yourself when he said I’ve paid for this and that. My ex made me feel like he paid for a lot like shopping “I’m getting this am I?” And I feel like no I’m sure I pay for most things?

Do you think finance has anything to do with the control or just generally being a tight person? My ex wanted a new car and when he was rejected for finance he wanted me to get it I said let’s see if you definitely can’t get it on your own and he had a mood with me can’t remember what he said but I felt like it was suggesting that we weren’t a family. I was heavily pregnant at the time so I took the loan out and he didn’t pay for it. I can’t even drive

[Eyesopening]

I’m sorry.
Yeah once my ex asked me to get a loan in my name ad he couldn’t, he already had one in his name and his parents.
I said no!
Thankgod.
It’s because they have complete disregard for us and they feel they own us, whats ours is theirs. Possession, obsession, control, its all the same kind of thing
X

[Eyesopening]

Hey, Its also about keeping you stressed and financially stretched so you feel trapped and so worn out with day to day life it a struggle to see through the fog of his abuse.

[Author]

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