If only- huge regrets now I see the light

[Indeepindance]

Hi all,

Today’s invasive thought is remembering how when I reacted differently to his mind games, it would pull him up short and diffuse everything and I’m regretting not employing that method more often. I think I’m wondering whether I could’ve maintained some control over his nonsense and not left things looking like I’d admitted to being the insecure, paranoid and suspicious one. It makes me cross but also devastated that I was unable to vocalise that I knew what he was doing at the time.

E.g. instead of saying what he really meant (I don’t want you going to that fitness class because men might be there looking at you), he would say that HE might join and suggest it must be okay for men to join? (It was a female dominated class).

Instead of responding by asking did he not want me to go for some reason, I just played ignorant and said if you want to join you should!

I think I’ve talked about this here before but there were many other examples where he would suggest I wouldn’t like it if he went for spontaneous drinks with his colleagues after work without telling me first, and I can’t believe I didn’t say to him at the time don’t tell me how I’d feel, let’s talk about what your problem is and why this has rattled you so much?? I’m literally kicking myself as the rare time I did put the focus back on him, it worked! Instead, I ended up actually feeling the insecurity he told me I would, so in the end our movements were so limited.

I think I need help with letting go of worrying that he’s out there believing or having others believe that I was the jealous, insecure, controlling one when I can see now how he fostered that.

I want to stop regretting that I could’ve turned it around by calmly responding each time with, are you okay is there something you’re worried about? (Because he hated the idea anyone would think he was worrying).

I also don’t know how to get over the need to tell him now what I’ve realised. He’s blocked me anyway, I could write again but I feel maybe I shouldn’t? This one’s really eating me up. Any help gratefully received!

Thanks all.

Xxxxx

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