I’m a bad mum.

[Strugglingwithnc]

I haven’t posted for a while.

I have been out of my relationship for nearly (detail removed by moderator) weeks but not completely out. Actually, I’ve been in and out for the last year. I can’t seem to just stay away.

My daughter has had no direct contact with him since we ended up in refuge last year. But I keep going back and forth and it’s taking its toll on me. Everyone keeps saying to me that I have to think of my daughter and I feel like such a bad mum for not being able to break away from him. She doesnt know ive been getting back together with him over the last year but she does know I’m still in contact with him. I try to protect her by keeping her completely separate to him – I am fortunate to share care with her Dad so I only saw him when she was with her Dad but I know my low mood must affect her.

I am scared that she’s been irrevocably scarred by the emotional abuse she witnessed during the short but awful time we spent living with him and our time at refuge. She has anxiety and she panics if somewhere smells like refuge.

I feel like such a failure for not being able to break away from him. He comes to my house when he knows she’s not there but what if she is one time and he scares her? I’m not afraid of him but she’s only a little girl and I feel like I’ve failed her. I feel like I don’t deserve her because I can’t seem to completely break free from him.

I’ve been telling myself that it’s ok because he has no direct contact with her but it’s not ok. Why can’t I move on from this and put her first?

I feel so broken and hopeless and that she’d be better off without me.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Strugglingwithnc

Its brave of you to post about auch a difficut subject, and one many do steuggle with, often feeling guilt for their quality of parenting when being abused.

However, you say your daughter is away from him. With that in mind ot seems you are protecting her.

Its you thats not being protected.

Its not as easy as simply stepping away is it.

Its about escaping the emotional clutches of someone that often becomes the only source of any interaction in your life that you are all at once both scared of and very attached to.

Its as toxic as alcholism, or drug addiction, in its harmful effects and feeling of addiction and pain upon withdrawal

The pain does stop though once you withdraw, not straightaway, but giving yourself the time and care to do that, and staying strong, which for you might mean setti g a very clear boundary that he’s never to come to your family home again and making it clear if he breaks it your next step would be a non mol against him and that you would inform the police.

These can feels like overly strong measures,but as all women will tell you,its the only way to really break free so you can grow yourself back again!

Do keep posting and letting us know how you go.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Strugglingwithnc]

Thank you for replying. I’m in a really bad place at the moment. He has been sending abusive emails and I’ve just read them, they are so horrible. He’s telling me that I’m the poisonous one and I’m toxic. I feel so confused and so exhausted with it all. I wish I wasn’t here any more but I don’t want to leave my daughter. I can’t call anyone because I only have WIFI and no phone line. I feel so alone. He has sent me messages between him and his mum where she’s saying she hates me but I’ve not done anything to deserve that. He abused me. It was me and my baby who ended up in refuge, we lost everything, why does she hate me? I just want it all to stop.

[KIP.]

You can email your local women’s aid. You can email the police. You can block his email. You need support. He is a liar. Abusers are liars. Don’t believe a word he says. Google trauma bonding. You’re not a bad mum you’re a victim of abuse. Keep posting. Speak to your GP. Reach out for help. Abuse thrives on silence x

[Strugglingwithnc]

He creates new email accounts. I feel like he’s the only one who can take my pain away. I hate myself for feeling like this.

[KIP.]

That’s what abuse does. It creates an addiction in us. I needed the police and courts to break my addiction and it worked. You can do this. You need to take a leap of faith. Do you have any friends or family members that can act email the police or can you afford a cheap mobile that he won’t know about?

[Yellowflower]

Your really not a bad mom hunni. All of ladies on here know how hard the trauma bond can be to break. Have you thought about reading some books on abuse to begin with? Lundy Bancroft why does he do that is an excellent read. Educating yourself can really help to see it for what it is and to see what you deserve. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You don’t deserve for you and your child to have to be in a refuge you deserve so much more. Both of you do. You question why his mom has said those things. That’s because his already got to her an poisoned her thinking.. just like I’m sure he will have done to you in the past she believes him. There’s a saying I love….. when a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth as you did…. you know how believable and manipulative he can be that’s exactly what his doing to his mom. Another thing that I feel would be a huge help to you is the freedom programme. Meeting ladies that are in similar situations and educating yourself on different types of abuse. It’s so hard when your in the fog but stepping away and trying to educate yourself may give you the push to realise you don’t need this toxic man in your life in any form hunni. Xx

[fizzylem]

You are protecting your child, this is amazing! Shows us that once you have decided that is that, so now you need to work on wanting to protect yourself and knowing your worth. You have decided in your head you will not put her through this and you have written about this decison with such clarity – it is decided; now you need to decide to do this for yourself, draw the line and walk away – ride out the pain this will bring for as long as you need – without contacting him – you will get past it – yes it’s tough for a while but it is do-able and much needed. Please report and let the police deal with it for you – put it in their hands and walk away x

[Strugglingwithnc]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel very confused. I had to contact him in the end (detail removed by moderator), I felt like he was the only person who could take the pain away. I’ve done some terrible things in this relationship. I’ve not behaved like a very nice person. Am I toxic too? I’ve always wondered if I suffer from a personality disorder. My relationships have always been unstable and my emotions are so intense, I can’t cope with them. I struggle with break ups, I always have, only this one is so much harder than anything ive ever been through before. I talk to my friends and they all want me to leave him and sometimes I do and I feel strong but that never lasts and I get so desperate for him and he’s always there for me in a heartbeat. (detail removed by moderator) he just held me and I felt so much better. The thing I’m struggling with so much is that he’s not violent, he’s not been controlling since he did the perpetrator course, he is verbally abusive during arguments but so am I so is that really abuse? It’s definitely toxic but could it be me too? If I get help, could it get better? I’m so very confused with it all. I’ve got him on one side and everyone else on the other and my heart is in love with him and my head is a mess.

[fizzylem]

The emotional pain can feel too hard to bare but everyone on here before you that got out and stayed out rode this out – there really is no other way. To return to abuse is to also react from your emotions, give in to these to try and avoid the pain the loss invokes as you’ve noticed, it’s making an emotionl decision without applying any rationale (the balanced view of things), it’s ignoring what you know in your mind that this is a toxic relationship – denial – denial can be very powerful when we are not ready to accept reality. It’s always only temporary mind; it gives us what we want but not what we need and only when we give ourself what we need can we be happy.

Behaviour breeds behaviour, if you make things difficult for someone else chances are the person on the recieving end of it will be difficult back – disrespect breeds disrespect and so on – this is what has happened here; you are so tired and worn out and fed up of not being heard or responded to that at some point you started to communicate in the same dysfuctional way – are stuck in this syle of communication (although it’s not really communicating is it) – have given up; so unless a person has the emotional maturity not to react, can respond from their authentic self, then this is what happens, t*t for tat – similar behaviour. When you throw abuse back you are reacting, rather than responding with what you’d really like to say – it gets confusing because it’s a reaction from the emotion and when you have calmed down, your emotions change and you feel differently again and your head is also saying you know you need to end it – a real mix of thoughts and emotions occur hey. We say and do things we dont really mean when we react from our emotions. It prevents us from articulating our true self – leaves us feeling rubbish and no better, leaves us feeling a loss of self respect.

Chances are you struggling to walk away for a number of reasons, making it complex; for example, if a person fears abandonment then this will also be contibuting factor preventing this person from leaving – there will likely be others at play here too.

Have you tried therapy? Thinking if you could gain some control over your emotions, understand why you feel the way you do and what it is that is keeping you returning, work out what needs to happen here then you may create a good chance at leaving and staying gone x

[DamagedGoods]

You need to sit down and just stop. Breathe. Answer this : what do I want? Do I actually live him? Does he make me happy? You owe nothing to no one. You deserve to wake up feeling happy. Don’t take his nonsense, his taunting, his insults, his guilt trips any more. Enough. C’mon girl, remember the little girl you once we’re and be her again.

[Halfofmyself]

I feel like im worse that a bad mum, my 3 young children saw my husband break my nose, they have seen me cowering in the corner of the room. I love my children with every bone in my body, but i still let this happen, how an why, i dont understand i feel I have broken my children and now it is my ultimate job to rebuild them, and i hope I can.
i can admit Ive failed, i can also now say hand on heart i will never again.

[Author]

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