I’m an idiot

[phantasmagorical]

I haven’t been strong. I’ve let all his lies into my head again, and as he’s still giving me silent treatment I reached out to his dad. From what he’s said I feel like my instincts were on the ball as he seems to be distorting the truth. He said that from their understanding the relationship has been unhealthy for my ex for a very long time. This suggests to me he’s not accountable for his actions and/or that I’ve been causing this (even though I do have a tendency to blame myself for everything). It also seems that they’re using his depression to explain away what he’s done.

I don’t even know what I was trying to achieve by messaging his dad. I honestly don’t know what’s going on in my brain sometimes. The whole thing has got me down but it’s my own fault.

It’s hurtful because I know they don’t really know the full extent of it. Or maybe they do and they don’t care because they’re tip toeing around him.

He seems to have been worrying his family for a long time. One time during a difficult conversation he became aggressively angry and it scared his siblings who had overheard it. Around that time he mentioned that his mum wanted to institutionalise him but I don’t know how serious she was, or if he was even being truthful with me. In any case nothing came of it.

He was seeing a therapist previously but stopped, I think because of me. After his sessions he would mention doing X or Y because it would be healthy for him, on the therapist’s recommendation. I genuinely want(ed) the best for him but he’d always word it in such a way to suggest that me and the relationship were holding him back. This would make me upset and tetchy, and then he stopped seeing the therapist altogether. Now I feel like that’s my fault.

I’m so tired. I had a talk with my sister today and was crying for ages because I don’t know what to think or feel. My eyes are burning. I know what I ought to be doing, which is to park him in my mind and focus on myself, but somehow I’m just not there yet.

[EeyoreNoMore]

My ex used to tell me about his therapy sessions. I found out he’d never been.

Hun I know it’s hard but there is a way you can get through this. It’s called No Contact. NC with him, his family and his friends. It is the only way you can start to heal
Xx

[phantasmagorical]

It didn’t even cross my mind that he might have been lying to me about that.
I am so used to defaulting to his version of the truth even when I feel it is wrong and stressing me out.
After making that post, I’ve been searching on the internet about going no contact. I really need to gather the strength to do this because this isn’t acceptable anymore.

[Nova]

Hi…
Just to say I find NC the only way forward…if anyone I know mentions him, (which are 2/3 at the most) I feel so sick.
I do not want to hear,see,think about him, it’s the only way a total block. He is poison to me.

Keep going P!
We can have a better life!

Hugs C X

[phantasmagorical]

I am leaning towards a total block, some days I feel really tempted to do that. It’s just that I feel scared to do it, like he’ll take that to mean something else and find a way to twist it around on me. It just seems that no matter what I do or say he misunderstands it. I don’t feel like I can take control of this situation quite yet because of the control he already has shown with how he broke it off, kept it quiet, and shut it down (and shut me out). If that makes sense. Gradually I’ll build confidence to assert myself as my own person again, I’ll try very hard xx

[Nova]

I meant to say poison…spellcheck! C X

[Nova]

…I understand, that’s your life & of course you do what’s right for you in your circumstances..
Sharing mine, I still feel like he probably in his silence plotting something weird against me…that’s how he operates…but, for my sanity I have to focus on me & try in small ways to find some head space. The more I do that the less he’s messing with my mind! Hope that makes sense!
As its so unbelievable to anyone that knows me he’s wrapped up his manipulation and abuse in lies for the outside world, as if it doesn’t exist.

Keep safe and posting, P We are with you as forum friends!

Hugs X C

[phantasmagorical]

Thank you Cuppa. It does make sense. I feel like one of the ways to feel better is to have a distraction by doing something creative, so I’m going to try concentrating on my writing. The forum has been really helpful, I’m glad I found it xx

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say, you’re not an idiot at all. You’ve been a victim of abuse by someone you once believed you loved and trusted. You’ve had your reality altered. No contact is the only way, it is so hard and painful. Sometimes I break no contact myself but you have to remind yourself that you deserve happiness, you do not deserve abuse, you do not deserve manipulation and you are not alone. We are here to support you. xx

[Author]

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