I’m done

[she-ra]

So today is the day I am done. He has smashed up the kitchen, thrown the cooked breakfasts on the floor, pinned me to the wall by my throat, held a knife to my neck, held a broken plate to my throat and threatened to kill me. I’m really not going to do this anymore, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want peace and to be happy and safe. So I need help, what do I do? What’s my next step? I have phoned WA twice and had good advice. A refuge is not an option for me I don’t think as I don’t want to give up my job and my children are school age. I have been given the number for local dv support, do I ring them? Ultimately I want him out of my house, we are joint tenants but he pays for nothing, literally nothing. I want to be clever about this and make sure I’ve covered all the bases, I want no contact for the children. I’ve made an appointment for a free half an hour with a solicitor dv specialist soon, should I wait for this? He’s definitely escalating and the violence when it happens is getting much worse. Thank you so much for anyone who responds, I don’t know what to do next.

[White Rose]

She-ra
You’ve said he’s definitely escalating and the violence is getting worse. You and your chilren are at increasing risk every minute you stay with him. Please involve the police, please don’t let yourself become a statistic xx

[Anabela]

My advice is to involve the police. Threats to kill and escalating abuse is a serious and dangerous stuff.
I found the idea of involving the police scary. But i am so glad it was involved and can say the best words to every single officer i dealt with. I would not have managed without them.

[Mimosa]

Be safe.

Phone the police. He will get worse and worse. No doubt. Do it for your children. Do it for you. You can do this. You are so brave. Keep safe. Get them and you out.X

[she-ra]

Oh girls thank you for your replies, but I just can’t bring myself to phone the police. What is wrong with me? I don’t want him to go to prison I just want him to go away. I went out for the last (detail removed by moderator) hours and now I’ve come home he’s gone out, I’m not talking to him and avoiding him, I stay upstairs. He’s taken one of the children with him so there’s no way I can go anywhere without all of the children. I’m just so tired, thank you so much for your advice x*x

[she-ra]

I think I feel like I’m wasting people’s time, they’ve got more important and much bigger things to deal with than me. It seems silly now it’s over, like it never really happened and I would feel so stupid saying it all out loud, how did I become this person, how do I just accept that this is how it is? I don’t want anyone to know, I want to pretend it never really happened and this isn’t really my life, how foolish I am. x*x

[Twisted Sister]

It’s your copin strategy and not your fault.

He has made you and your children become this way. You are not stupid, but it does make us feel stupid as they let us down time and time again, as they terrify, and we try to be normal when its far from that.

What you say about the surreal after feeling is because of him, there is no way to make sense of it so we can’t process it.

You were millimetres away from death with a sharp edge that close to your neck. Even if you think he won’t do it, it can so quickly do go horribly wrong.

You are right, he is wrong and you dnt have to suffer this a moment longer love. We all understand here and will be here to support you however we can.

I completely understand the mixed feelings of informing the police knowing how criminal his activities are and you just want it to stop, like I’m sure many will agree. Now you have come to know its not going to. It’s only a matter of minutes hours, days or weeks maybe.

Stay safe above all. If you want him out you can call the police now and report last night and ask the police to come and await his return.
They will take him away there and then and charge him with the offences against you, they will give you all the contacts you ned and you will get an instant non-molestation order against him coming back.

You can contact the landlord, who wll not want him there anyway causing damage!

Huge hugs and every strength to you for whatever you decide.

You are not stupid.

Warmest wishes ts

[freedomtochoose]

Hello love,
Let us call a spade a spade shall we? You need to get some help now or I’m afraid you are in danger of losing your kids. Because if you don’t report this, go to refuge (no problem with school age kids) then the powers that be can say that you have not protected your kids. I’m sorry to be so harsh but that is how it is. Speak to WA and/or police. Good luck. you can do this
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

Not that you’re not trying to keep your children safe, and its him that needs to get out and someone bigger and with the law behind them needs to do it, but the authorities don’t see it that way,as ftc says.

[Anabela]

I know that it is scary to call the police. But they are not going to think that you are silly or your issue is not important. They are the people who can help you. He held a knife to your throat!!!!! a knife is a gun. and that is a crime!! you can’t know what he might do next time.
I also felt that I am wasting everyone’s time and they have more important things to deal with. But you know what police officer told me when they took a statement after he assaulted me? That I should have reported him before even if he did not harm me physically but threatened to kill me or for other psychological abuse.
I doubt he would go to prison for that. Especially if it is the first time he is reported to the police. But you can get a protection. Police takes these things seriously.

[Lisa]

Hi She-ra

It sounds very frightening at the moment and you are in a high risk situation as the violence is escalating. To get him out of the house you will need to involve the police, i know it feels like something you are not ready to do and that is totally normal.

You may want to talk to a charity called DV Assist http://www.dvassist.org.uk/ who help women get Occupation Orders against their abusive partners, this order would mean he is not allowed to live in the property even though his name is on the tenancy. They would be able to tell you what evidence is needed to get an Occupation Order.

Please don’t feel like you would be wasting police time by calling them if he becomes violent or threatening this is exactly what the police are there for.

If you wanted to explore the option of refuge, it is not necessarily impossible to secure a refuge vacancy and keep your job and the children in school. It would be up to the refuges in nearby areas to you to make that decision if they had a vacancy. The helpline should help you explore that option.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are.

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

You are not foolish, you really aren’t. Continually being abused is how you have become this way, thinking its nothing really.

It definitely is something, its not silly just because it was last night and the police are there for exactly this reason. He behaviour is criminal and its gone way beyond anyone being able to stop him, apart from the law, wih occupation orders and the police.

Refuge can be a short term temporary safety plan once he’s out and house safe you could go back. Even if you stay in refuge a short time.

Be safe love and do keep posting if you can do it safely.

Warmest wishes ts

[Iwantmeback]

We had a discussion at a (detail removed by moderator) about domestic abuse. A lot of people get in touch with their councillor who helps getting them a house in conjunction with council housing, even make a private meeting with the housing officer and explain your circumstances, take along any proof or letter from doctor if you can. Our councillors are really good and have helped many women in our positions. I agree that what has been done to you should be a police matter, but it’s so hard to make that call. Can you bring a neighbour into your confidence and explain if they hear signs of violence to contact the police on your behalf.
I hope you manage to escape.💞💞

[Author]

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