I’m giving up

[Ariadne]

Hi everyone,

Some of you have seen my posts about possibly getting back with my abusive ex.
I think I’m at a point where I’m giving up on trying to get out. I can’t fight it anymore.
I am sometimes confused about my own feelings and needs, but I can’t stop loving him, while all the rest is blurry.

He has been feeling really down about himself, saying he’s not sure we’re meant to be. This is mostly about him feeling like I might not feel like he’s enough.
I feel so sad about this in turn, because even after everything I can’t think I can ever feel this way about anyone else. Every day we have conversations like this now. And I can’t fight it anymore. This feeling that I need to give it another chance. That I need to prove to him how much I like him, and how much I’m willing to put in to make it work.
I’m writing this to vent about it. I just feel crazy. And honestly, pretty self-destructive.

Sorry about such a downer post in this forum, but I’ve been having very bad days.

[Gerbil]

Hi Ariadne
Sorry to hear things are not too good at the moment. But it’s good that you are venting on here!
You said you need to prove to him how much you like him and how much effort you are putting in. The other side of the coin is what is he proving to you? You have done nothing wrong! You are not the abuser! You have nothing to prove!
Maybe read some of your old posts on here as to how he made you feel.
Take care and keep venting on here x

[Ariadne]

Hi @Gerbil,

I was replying to @TeaandCats below about this, and yes, while he has always been there for me, he has not really sought other forms of support… He has made some changes in his life only recently, but I am concerned that he doesn’t really seem interested in therapy or in other forms of support, and that I’ll end up being in charge of this in a way… It’s a lot of pressure.
I feel so guilty about some things after the relationship ended, that I feel like I am kind of letting myself be punished, trying to also prove to myself that I can be better. He says I have done nothing wrong, so I don’t exactly feel like he is trying to punish me deliberately. But he has been pretty insistent on constantly talking about certain topics or making me feel guilty for his insecurity in many ways, if that makes sense. I feel that at the least I have put myself in a position that I find difficult to get out of!

[Anonymous]

He’s trying really hard to make you please him, it’s what they do it’s pure manipulation, you sound super empathic, maybe read up about empaths cos you might be one, it’s just guilt,trauma bonds and mind games, if he really wanted it to be over it would be, but it sounds like an unhappy situation from what you’ve just discribed that you don’t really want to be in 🌝🌸🧁

[Ariadne]

Hello @Auriel,

Thank you for your lovely message. I have been really struggling with feeling like I’m not bad person here… The relationship was over for a long while, I got involved with someone else, while he was still pursuing me to get back together. Then I lied to my ex about being with anyone, and that just led to these false expectations. I got us both stuck in this trauma bond, I know it, and I feel like what I did was just another form of abuse.
And still, I can’t move on from him, and I feel like I need to really fix things. But at the same time, I feel like the hurt he has caused me in the past is not “valid” anymore, because of time and my own actions. At least that I shouldn’t bring it up anymore, that I should move on from it, and that we should focus on current issues.

So I feel like we’re probably codependent on each other right now? Maybe that’s why he also hasn’t left… I can’t really speak for him, but I know that I probably shouldn’t at least be driven by guilt.

Thank you for your reply <3

[Anonymous]

Your welcome hun (it’s what the forum is for) you don’t need to try harder to make things better your enough (more than enough) he could be victim playing I had an ex once used to do the same thing the weird back and fore went on for years and it’s years you won’t get back but you do learn from it, maybe have a google if someone your with is toxic as it’s usually based on the guilt feeling.I honestly also don’t believe at all that your a n********t (but the confusion they cause makes us question ourselves)so please don’t worry on that score, a n********t needs someone who is kind caring generous, willing to fix and try and someone they can stress out using fears and insecurities (including going to other women) n********t are predators and parasites, they are the takers/we are the givers, the only way to get self esteem back after these things is no contact and some form of therapy/counselling, take care 🧚🏻‍♀️💜🍀

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Ariadne

these awful days that you’ve been having, and the feeling like you’re crazy, has this all been going on whilst you are with him?

It does sound very worrying, we all know however how strong that bond is, how strong the attachment, which is fueled by his switchy moods between love bombing, emotional blackmail, threats, and back to love bombing.

No matter which part of the cycle you are in, its all part of the abuse.

Noone can say you must do this or that, here at least you have freedom to choose your way, and if your way is to stay with this, all I will say is to ensure you also do something equally powerful in a positive way to match the misery you are suffering in this negative situation. Its important to pull yourself up, to build your confidence, to lean on others and get strong, not to drown under the mire of it all.

Keep talking and posting and take care of you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Ariadne]

Hi @TwistedSister,

Thank you for your reply and support!
We are living in different cities, so these have been conversations through text and call. In a way, yes, it’s like I’m with him anyhow. I feel like sometimes I am not even completely aware of conversations, but I am more managing them/replying in a sort of automatic way. It’s difficult to explain. But it feels driven by habit sometimes, and not from a real place of understanding what I want to say, instead of just trying to say what he wants to hear?
I don’t know, it makes me feel really down, like I’m manipulative, I’m the n********t, and so on. I’m trying to start today with better habits and a better mindset, see if that helps.

Thanks again!

[Teaandcats]

This feeling that I need to give it another chance. That I need to prove to him how much I like him, and how much I’m willing to put in to make it work.

When I read this post, I felt so sad for you, Ariadne. It sounds like everything has completely overwhelmed you and his tactics are wearing you right down.
Like Gerbil said, what is he doing though? Is he actually working on himself, getting professional and support to address his issues, abusive behaviour etc, or relying on you to be his soundingboard? Low mood is draining to support and you say you’re having these conversations every day… no wonder you’re at a place where you’re thinking if going back, if the feelings you’re experiencing are the same whether you’re together or not, and there’s hope that things might have actually changed.

Maybe he is genuinely unwell with his mental health. If he is, he can see a doctor, therapist or other person who’s equipped to help him without it sapping every drop of their energy, and whom (hopefully) won’t be drawn into his lies and manipulation.
Maybe he’s using this sadness as a way to draw you back in by leaving you feeling guilty for leaving and “causing” him to feel this way (which is not true. But really you know you’ve done nothing except to protect yourself, and rightly so. He pulling on your empathy and good heart – to convince you this is your fault and you need to fix it by coming back and looking after him.
Maybe he’s finally realized what he’s lost and regrets what’s happened. Although rationally you know it’s not you he’ll actually be missing, but what you provided him with. The power he felt.
Maybe he’s using this to connect with you and manipulate you into thinking there’s a real emotional connection there, and he’s prepared to be vulnerable with you. Perhaps he did this at the start. Perhaps he knows this is the right worm to put on his rod, to hook you back in because you’ve got hope.

Ariadne, I don’t believe that you don’t have fight left. You’ve posted here which is asking for an olive branch – asking us to help you keep on fighting. You don’t need to go back, give up or anything else.

You’re doing an amazing selfless thing for him. What’s he doing for you?

[Ariadne]

Hi @Teaandcats,

Thank you so much for your reply and support!
You make a good point. He doesn’t really seek other forms of support, like therapy and such, and he never has. So while he says sometimes he is open to, for example, couples’ therapy, he hasn’t sought out anything else. Same with the abuser programme thing… I guess that’s always been an issue in our relationship.
He has been slowly socialising more, which I encourage. Though now he has put forward that he will get female friends in a way that makes it sound kind of revenge for me having a couple of guy friends (among my many other girl friends).
I am not sure exactly if he’s doing this as manipulation. But at least it is very draining, and I know it provokes a certain obsessive caring response in me. It’s like him demanding his needs to be met, and I can’t help myself? It’s odd.

Your message has really warmed my heart and made me reflect on a few things, thank you <3

[nbumblebee]

None of us can tell you ehat to do my goodness I have no right to tell someone to leave or not go back not when im still here I kften feel the same way you do sweetie I am trying to change myself fix myself my life whilst living and fighting with him and my god its hard its draining and there are days when i think i should just quit go back to how things were it is just too hard I totally agree. But ypu have come such along way right? Once you see the hurt and acknowledge it you can never go back and forget I try every day but its there in my head 24/7 even during nice spells hes being loving and kind and im thinking last weel you held me down last week you banned me from going out whatever I cant not see it.
If you do go back if you do try and make it woek those thoughts will be with you every single second of the day you will be on high alert on eggshells forever its not a nice feeling.
I understand you want to help him get himself help by maybe staying away and getting you some help getting yourself support counselling you need to love yourself too you need to care for you because you matter and deserve more.
Dont stop fighting whatever path you choose never stop fighting for you x*x

[Ariadne]

Thank you @nbumblebee! You’re so right, it’s difficult to get those memories out of my head when I look at him, especially. I guess I have been trying to “work” overtime to not just try and do that, but to maybe also repair things between us and see if he can also move on from any hurt I’ve caused.
You reminded me I should also prioritise my own wellbeing, thank you <3

[Seek221]

Hi Ariadne,

Like the others have said, no one can tell you what to do. The only thing that I would say is please try and put yourself first. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and the only thing that you should be focusing on is looking after yourself.
I hope that you don’t mind me saying, but it really sounds as though he is manipulating you. It sounds as though he knows that you will feel sorry for him and he is counting on the fact that it will make you go back. He knows exactly what to say. Abusers are clever like that, they know exactly how to manipulate you into doing exactly what they want.
My gut instinct is that if you are having such a battle with yourself over whether you should try again – part of you knows, that it probably isn’t the right decision to make.

Please don’t ever suffer in silence and please always do what is best for you x

[Ariadne]

Thank you @Seek221,
You’re right, it’s been such a back and forth thing, that I know something is not right… I think that’s why it’s so frustrating. I know it’s probably not the best choice, but I feel so weak to fight it. It’s like I’m in a trap of my own making and I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to change my circumstances.
I don’t know if he is actually trying to be manipulative, it’s hard to tell for me sometimes. But one thing I’ve been realising is that he is definitely invalidating, and it’s like my hurt is not to be heard, but his is the main point always. I’m really trying to find some strength in myself, no matter what ends up happening.

[Bananaboat]

So many of us have given them another try, it’s fine to do that and 100% your choice. Don’t feel bad if that chance doesn’t work out, just come back here, don’t they say it takes us 7 chances to eventually get out and being caring ppl we often have to feel like we’ve given it everything. If you do try again just protect yourself, keep the journal, the support numbers, use this forum and stay safe x

[Ariadne]

Thank you @Bananaboat,

Will do. I’ll stay in this forum and I’ll definitely keep journaling either way. Both have helped me through a lot! <3

[Wants To Help]

Hi Ariadne,

The following part of your post has stood out to me and I wonder if you could expand on what you mean by this…

He has been feeling really down about himself, saying he’s not sure we’re meant to be. This is mostly about him feeling like I might not feel like he’s enough.

I understand that he is feeling down, that is ok, but he has told you that he doesn’t think that you’re meant to be?! Is he telling you that he doesn’t feel this relationship is working either? The feeling that he might not be ‘enough’ or in other words, good enough for you… is that your interpretation of why he is feeling down, or has he told you that he’s not good enough for you and you can find someone better?

Quite often when relationships start to fall apart we are torn between trying to save it or end it. Then, for some reason, when we are undecided and the other party tells us they don’t think it’s working either it sends us in to panic mode. We start to fear that because they also think it’s not working then we must try harder to make it work, when the sensible option would be that both parties acknowledge it’s not working and separate amicably.

You say you want to prove how much you like him, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter how much we like someone, fancy someone, love someone, if they don’t feel the same about us then it really doesn’t matter. It’s like wanting to play tennis but there’s no one there at the other end to return the ball – you can’t play tennis by yourself, the same as you can’t be in a healthy, loving relationship all by yourself.

I have recently learned about something that is referred to as ‘the scarcity factor’. This is when we fear that we won’t find anyone else so we hang on to what we’ve got, even if it’s not good for us. You say you don’t think you can ever feel like this about anyone else, but until you set yourself free you will never find out. Many of us on this forum have loved more than one person, myself included.

If these conversations are happening daily and your relationship is about discussing your relationship instead of living and enjoying it then it doesn’t sound like this will work out. You can put 100% effort in to this every day for the rest of your life, but if he’s not willing to work at it too then you are just going to burn out. You are already feeling self destructive and I really think that if you go back to this relationship and put all your effort in to it that is exactly what you will do to yourself. No matter how hard you try and convince yourself that this is the man for you it is clear from your posts he is not and you are never going to be happy going forward.

Please have a long, hard think about what you will gain in a positive way by going back to him.

xx

[Ariadne]

Hi @Wants To Help,

You provided such a thoughtful reply that really had me thinking about this in a new way! Thank you!

You asked about what he has said about his feelings and such. He has not too long ago said that we should just not get involved and that he was done, and I agreed. In the same conversation he went on to turn this around, and that has happened maybe two or three times now. I always feel like it’s a test because he wants me to fight for him. He has told me he doesn’t think we’re meant to be, or that he is good enough, that he wishes I could find someone else… However, trying not to go too much in detail into this as it would probably get edited out, this is all in relation to a specific aspect of his insecurities, and that sort of talk never lasts long, even though I don’t “fight” him much on this besides saying that’s not how I feel about things. I don’t know if he’s being manipulative about this, but it seems sometimes that this kind of talk works a bit as an excuse for him to be more controlling in other ways, if that makes sense. At least I know that I excuse his constant prodding more because of it!
I feel kind of pathetic in this dynamic because I know I have every reason as well not to feel like he’s the one, but it’s really difficult not to for me. That’s why I think sometimes that we’re both codependent in this.

[Author]

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